readytoemerge

According to you
Im stupid
Im useless
I cant do anything right
According to you
Im difficult
hard to please
forever changing my mind
Im a mess in a dress
cant show up on time
even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

But according to him
Im beautiful
incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
Im funny
irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I dont feel like stopping it
so baby tell what i got to lose
Hes into me for everything Im not according to you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu1aQvm5MrU

Many many years ago I gave those reigns over to my ex…should I have? NO! But I never was that great with my self esteem either so why not. At first it was wonderful…and then we got married (way to young) and little by little the changes came and my self esteem took a nose dive. With it began the weight gain which in turn created lower self esteem which in turn created weight gain…round and round. Always wanting those feel good feelings…never feeling good enough…it did a lot of damage. Until the separation, I never could really see it as something I could take back and change. It wasn’t until little by little I would look in the mirror and think…hey…its not THAT bad.
Ive got a long road to healing. I don’t think my self esteem will ever be great but I will take good. I need to keep my hands on the reigns and that wont be easy. It is so nice when someone takes notice of you and lifts you up with words like beautiful & sexy. Or how about that any man would be so lucky to have you. Yes, very uplifting…but again, I cant let that rule me. I need to KNOW it for me, not just because someone tells me so. I need to matter to me regardless of any man or any one else’s opinions of me.
The song above is a great one for me right now. It just kinda reminds me of the saying, One mans trash is another mans treasure. Don’t let anyone make you feel like trash. I took it for over 20 years because I loved him. Ive gotta build my backbone and stay strong and not let anyone make me feel like less.
Grab the reigns baby! What do you love about you? You are not trash…you matter…and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

Yes…home. It was my home away from home for a long time. And then I ran away. My life got too complicated. Those that know me know I kinda put it all out there, my life I mean. Our lives and all we go through are intertwined with the weight loss journey…for me anyway. I can not set the weight loss apart from it and view it as a separate issue. Its all mangled together. It became too painful and too difficult to put words to what I was going through. And I didn’t feel like I could be supportive when I couldn’t lift my own butt up from the pits I keep falling in…or getting pushed in. So I gained weight and tried not to care. Bottom line…Im not a happy fat person. I may put a smile on so others think Im ok, but I wasn’t. So slowly I began to get the weight back down. Mainly just watching portions sizes.

After reading Becca’s blog yesterday, it got me thinking (I know…dangerous!) Ok…so coming back here makes me nervous. I can be an all or nothing kinda girl. Problem is I can get too caught up in my eating (am I eating enough…am I eating too much) and then I stall or gain weight. I am afraid to think toooooo much about food or “losing weight” because when I cant meet the level of “perfection” so to say, I give up…let go…fall off the wagon. Ive been thinking a lot about what I am going to do to get back on the program now that Im back at BS…but the thing is, I have been losing weight…yes slowly…but losing. So maybe I will just continue watching my portions and begin to throw the exercise back in and leave it at that for now. I fight the urge to make my little charts and plan like I LOVE to do…why do I need to complicate it? Leave it simple Deb…let it be…baby steps baby…one day at a time. Amen??? So letting go of those fears (well gonna try).

We were supposed to have another 6 inches of snow last night…THANK GOODNESS it did not happen. We have been slammed with snow fall…not normal for Maryland, well most of it anyway. Over 4 feet from two storms a couple days apart. Kids out of school for about 1 ½ weeks…so so done with snow. I did burn calories shoveling tho, lol! And played with the kids in it…snow down the pants…brrrrrr!

Parent teacher conference after work but hope to do some more catching up here tonight.
Have a WONDERFUL day…you are loved and you are BEAUTIFUL! Remember that!

So all in all I have gained 15 pounds since last year this time. Oh trust me…I gained well above that but have but working bit by bit to bring it back down. So I can view this past year as failure or as a success for NOT having gained it ALL back, right? I will go with the success.
A lot has happened…some good some not. I am learning a lot and slowly and I mean sloooooooooowly my self esteem is being healed. Have met a couple great guys who have shown me that I am beautiful just as I am…WOW! Dont feel that 100%…probably not even 50% but coming from a place of feeling unworthy to have any man in my life because I was fat…well…again, I will view it as progress.
I finally got a job right before Christmas…pay is not great at all, but its a job and after over a year of no job…its good.
In 1 month my divorce will be final…just want it over with…and yes it still hurts but I have made great progress in letting go of him. Dont desire him anymore (woot woot), but I am still mourning the loss of the marriage and most of all family….a complete, whole family.
So…I have a goal…I want to lose that 15 by D-Day. Im not sure if Im reaching to high because I am an emotional eater…but hey, gonna give it my best.
Heading off to work shortly…gonna be a long day…long week but am committing to a loss at the end of it.
High five…Woot Woot…and here I go…again!

Wow! It’s been a loooooong time! I think about so many of you and wonder how you’re doing. I really dropped the ball with this…just trying to get through each day. I hope to get back here on a more regular basis…hopefully reconnect with old friends and make some new ones along the way. Will have to update you but so hard to put it all into words.
Going to try to get back on track with my weight loss…its been up, down and sideways…stupid emotions, lol!
Wishing you all a Happy Valentines Day and sending my love to you all!!!

I LOVE you guys so freaking much!!! =D

I have been a horrible buddy and I really am sorry about that. Still weeding my way through my life and just have not been able to give any more than to my kids and myself. I am slowly losing more weight but need to get the exercise in. I got a second cleaning side job that is every week…so more money to earn. There have been a couple good possible job opportunities recently…will see what happens. Oh, and Ive been a bad girl, met someone online…dont know if it will be anything more than friendship…I did meet him in person once and some definite flirting is going on and a dinner invite…Im scared so I just dont know. And Becca…I know I shouldnt meet men online but its your fault Its the site I joined a while back when you did and Im not sure if you even use it anymore…hahaha! Anyway, Im being cautious…well mostly…I just wanna have some fun…
I am leaving here shortly to do my cleaning job but will be on tonight although it may be late. I miss you guys terribly…feel not myself without chatting with you and knowing how youre doing. I am really sorry for not being supportive to you and hope youre doing really FANTASTIC! SUPER SIZED HUGS comin at ya so look out…Love you!

Couple things on my mind this morning. First, ladies…did you know that wearing sexy undergarment can make you feel better about yourself. It can change the way you carry yourself, even if you are feeling not so great about the outside. Are you a plain white bra and panty girl or do you get a little racy with animal print or sassy colors? If you’re a plain Jane, I challenge you to get a little fun with the things only you may see…do it for you! I bet it will perk you up…maybe in more ways than one I need to replace one of mine cause its poking the crap out of the side of my girls. Do you know I have never been properly sized? I may do it for this next one…swallow my pride…suck it up…most likely suck it IN and do it.

Next thing…I think I may be starting the joys of menopause. For the last couple months I have had moments of feeling flushed…starting to sweat. Even some moments (this is embarrassing) where I sweat so much down my back that it runs down and soaks through the back seat of my pants…especially if they are a light fabric. I kept thinking it was because I put back on some weight but now…I just may be going down that road to menopause…BLAH! On top of the sweats, Ive been a little on the sick side the last couple days…stuffy…headache…sore throat and coughing & I think a low fever.

Next…I will not allow myself to sink into that nasty pit…but I am fighting it at the moment. Having email discussions with J about the divorce…just starting out…it stirs that mucky crappy pit and its bubbling up…Lord it HURTS! Crying again…and pissed…and sad…and depressed…and scared. I do not want to go back down…I want a life again. Pray for me please…I need strength…I also need a job.

Alright…lastly…Mayas comment on my blog yesterday (thank you) got me thinking…”You CAN do this. Don’t just talk it — WALK IT.” I do a lot of “talking” and not enough “walking”. I think we talk the talk sometimes to try to pump ourselves up…to get ourselves mentally prepared and excited about what we are preparing to do. I also think that sometimes that talk can end up psyching ourselves out and then we do nothing…so here is to more “walking”! I did well yesterday food wise…had to struggle through a few mental moments of wanting to eat more. I am not exercising again yet…but will add it in soon…just focused on getting in some good foods (which I did…blueberries, nuts, tomato, apple, salad) and not eating more than I need…simple right?

Watched Biggest Loser last night and cried…how can you not be inspired by these people and their stories. The theme was second chances and each story was moving…some more than others…one I didn’t know how she was functioning with the grief she has gone through. BL NEVER fails to inspire me…problem is it doesn’t last….I want it to last. I have an admission I just want to lay out there. Even in the midst of the inspiration and new found motivation and lets face it, SHAME…I sit watching the show and my mind drifts to food…I want to EAT…even watching BL I want CHOW DOWN! Don’t know if its because its stirring the emotional side of things or what. I didn’t do it last night but I sure did last season…it was shameful!
I start today with a new resolve to really…no REALLY buckle down and make this work in my life. There are two songs that I heard yesterday that really stuck with me…one in particular has been with me for a month or so. For me these songs are connected to my faith and my healing but I can also apply them to this weight loss journey. Im gonna attach links and I hope you take a few minutes to listen at some point to them.

The first is called The Motions by Matthew West. I relate because I want to have my life matter…not just go through the motions. One part says…”what if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions.” I have not been giving everything in many areas of my life…What if I had? Where would I be now? What wonderful things can come from making the choice to do it now?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaHmiFaX_pk

The second is called Shackles by Mary Mary. Not only is it a GREAT song to get up and move too, but again, it makes me think about being “free” from so many things.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRayKxgePQI

I started my day off well. A bowl of oatmeal with blueberries and some walnuts…YUM! Praying I can continue through the day and push out the desire to FEED…honestly, I am struggling even now…wanting to eat more…just to eat. I want today to be my “second chance”…new day…new resolve…new life. I CAN do this…you CAN do this.

I was standing outside this morning with my son while he waited for the bus. As I was standing there I noticed a black bug on the ground…on its back. Its little legs were moving furiously…walking in air…every few seconds or so it would stretch out one of its legs to the ground to try to flip itself over. I watched for a few minutes…mentally cheering him on (even tho I really happen to dislike bugs like that, especially when they get inside). As the bus came and I started to turn to head in…I stopped and gently nudged him over to upright him. It got me thinking about me and how I feel like that bug most of the time…feverishly running but not going anywhere because Im on my back! You Buddies are that person that comes along and takes pity on this old bug and keeps flipping me back over to my feet.
Along that train of thought a saying comes to mind…one we always said in the trucking business…kind of a well wish to a driver leaving…the saying was, Keep the SHINY side UP! (Greasy side down)…meaning, be careful. But it also meant he (or she) could keep going…keep the truck moving…the truck makes money…they make money…mission accomplished. If the truck is greasy or dirty side up…no one is doing well…no one is moving…no progress is being made (and hopefully no one is terribly injured).
So my point in this is to first say THANK YOU! For up righting me and lets keep our SHINY side upright so we can move FORWARD and progress. Anyone else need a nudge?

Well, I started my starting over a little early. I called to set a hair appointment for today and what they had open was yesterday…so I went and got a brand new cut and some highlights. I LOVE IT! I have avoided short hair because “someone” didn’t like it. (He also hated red hair and guess what color hair hers is…PFFFF!)
OK…enough of that cause its now about me and what I, ME, MOI, wants. I am taking back my life…my control. So first step has been accomplished!

I also had a tiny progress with the scale…Im down from last week…239…YAY! I started making a list yesterday of things I aim to do. Basically things to get me back out there and focusing on other things. Im ESSSSCITED!! (Anyone who watches RUBY will understand my spelling of excited :P).
Here is my list so far…haven’t gotten real far yet.
• New cut/style…noticeably different and SASSY!
• Sell jewelry (to pay bills and help fund the big D…divorce, not me ;))
• Get involved with Woman’s group at church
• Get back to attending church regularly
• Take my Kiddos CAMPING!
• Find a lawyer to begin divorce process
• FIND A JOB! Im trying…
• Get off computer and more active
• Get back to some walking
• LOSE weight vs gaining it
• Be a much better BUDDY to the wonderful peeps here…you guys are amazing!

That’s it so far. (My dog Chloe is snoring…she is getting worse with that and GAS as she gets older…she is distracting my brain…short attention span).
Hope you all have an AWESOME Weekend! Will have all my kids here this afternoon/night before taking them to J’s for his bday tomorrow. Looking forward to my time with them all together.
Today is my day to start again…Just Me…relearning…rediscovering…healing…I think I am finally ready =)