readytoemerge

Yep…more gain…Im goin crazy. Last week was 241.8…now Im at 245.4. This stage of acceptance and the anger that comes with it…not to mention the loneliness and depression are sending me running to food even more. Let me rephrase that comment because I am responsible for my actions…I am making the choice to eat. I want to care. I want to not continue to gain but I don’t want to stop eating…feeding my emotions. This process has been going on so long. I can see moments of progress…I know things in me are changing, however slow…but I am so frustrated with myself and my choices. Sometimes the way I get myself up and moving is to bribe myself with food. I’ll lay in bed in the morning…thinking, I just don’t want to deal with it today. Finally I get myself up with the promise of something yummy to “make it better”. I cant go to any store without picking up some kind of food. Yesterday was a Hershey bar and some dried fruit…ate them together last night and it was good…but I didn’t need it. Why can a Poptart…frosted at that, which I don’t really like…why can that speak to me so much louder than my desire to lose weight??? I ate 2 yesterday after lunch…I really don’t like frosted pop tarts…I did it anyway. I am trying to fill in something…maybe trying to plug up the empty holes I feel. They have been there throughout my marriage…since pretty early on in it. The old me…my old life is gone…I am mourning a death of many things. I don’t want it to consume the rest of my life. When will it sink in? Will I ever get myself together and lose weight to keep it off? Or am I going to go through the rest of my days just like this…

I have a confession to make. It is very ugly to me and I don’t like that I feel it. I talked in my last blog about feeling like the only fat person…I know its not true yet all I seem to notice are the thin gorgeous women. Yesterday, as another beauty in a nice SUV passed me buy at a stop sign…I felt ANGER towards her. How crazy is that…me, angry at her…someone I don’t even know…because she seems to have it together. What is wrong with me? I know I have no right to feel that…no reason…I don’t know her or her life…what shes been through what she does to battle the weight or not…what lies in her future. And yet Im angry because she’s got it going on?? I know Im wrong to feel it yet it comes…not just the one lady but many…I think, why cant that be me? I have given my control and power over to something…maybe satan, I don’t know, but Ive got to get it back. I don’t like that part of me. I do have a choice here…why am I not making it?

Part of me keeps thinking I just need to leave here and come back when Im REALLY ready to be serious. The other part knows I will regret it…not to mention miss you guys too much. I just feel like such a hypocrite trying to give advice on things I cant do myself or continue to fail at. I know what to do and how to do it…just not taking the steps to follow through. I feel so much anger raging inside and I don’t like it…don’t want to be like this and maybe that’s why Im stuffing in food. Im pissed guys…and I don’t want to live life like this but I don’t know how to miove past it. I am lonely and yet I know I am no where ready for a man in my life…don’t know that I can ever trust someone again…that angers me. Its hard to be angry at someone you love and in some sense I guess I am angry that God let me marry this person. I know I am wrong for that too…God gave me free will. We are human, not robots. We make our own choices. Life is not about all good times and no pain. Yet Im still angry.

I know this is long…if your reading still, thanks! I need to purge this. I want to understand and heal and move on. I want the hurt to stop and  I want to be successful in my journey. I just want to sit and cry today…Im not going to. I don’t know if I will continue to gain more…but I am going to do something positive today.

Tell me what youre doing positive this weekend…

In the last week or two, Ive been super aware of others around me…mainly women. Everyone else seems to be a “normal” weight if not super tiny with a cute little butt (yes, I look but not in that way :P). Maybe its because I feel so gross myself that I am so highly sensitive to others around me, Im not sure. I just know I hate this feeling. I don’t want to compare myself to everyone. I want to be happy with me and focus on that. Just talking it out…working through this process along with trying to rediscover who Debbi is now. Im torn between wanting to be liked/loved for who I am…as I am, and wanting to be a healthy, attractive weight.

This week and especially the last couple days have been pretty busy. I haven’t been able to be on here like I need to. Did get to pick blackberries with my Momma the other day. We pick 16 pounds. I could’ve kicked myself for not taking my camera with me to the farm/orchard. It was so beautiful…blue skies with white puffy clouds…large clusters of blackberries mingled with red ones still ripening…just gorgeous. We even found a couple bird nests and a creepy cicada/locust. I love the sound they make but don’t want want buzzing past my face as Im up in the blackberry bushes. Here’s a couple pics I took when we got back.

My daughter has her car. I spent part of the day at the MVA getting the tags and title dealt wth yesterday. Also got to clean again for some moola.

Weather here has been perfect…my kinda stuff. Looks like it will continue for a while too…happy girl here! Cool mornings and nights…warm days…low to no humidity…Fall in the air…my kind of weather and it puts me in a happy place inside. I fight my depression and issues with J almost constantly…slowly but surely I will get there. Just trying to keep myself away from that pit.

Well…hope everyone has an awesome weekend. Im reading a book called Live, Laugh, Love Again. Its really helping me. Hope to finish it this weekend and reflect and move forward some more. Enjoy Buddies!

…at a time. That’s all Im going to focus on today. I can give myself that at least, right? With life seeming so overwhelming all the time, I find one excuse after another to eat crap and eat lots of it. I am the great Justifier when it comes to my eating. All it takes is one call from J…just hearing his voice sends me over the edge. Going to put my focus with that to this one day…one meal at a time…one serving at a time…and one bite at a time. I CAN DO IT! You can too!

Yesterday was busy. I had to take my new (old) car in for some problems. One is that the a/c keeps coming on by itself. Well guess what? With the little 30 day 1000 mile warranty, the bad sensor head is NOT covered and costs $900.00. So I will just keep turning it off…over and over…and over. My daughters car is in the process of getting the state inspection on it. Maybe by the end of this week or early next I wont be driving back and forth for 2 ½ hours a day…not to mention sitting in traffic. So very very thankful tho for everything we have. Don’t mean to sound ungrateful…just a little whining this morning.

Heading out soon to go back for the berry picking we were not able to do Monday. Its just BEAUTIFUL here these last couple days…the 7 day forecast looks wonderful too. Mid to upper 70’s again today…LOVE IT!

I hope you all are enjoying some of the same end of summer weather. Have a SUPER day Buddies…HUGS!!

I know youre right on the cereal
Kama…just please don’t ask me to give up my other love…Hahaha! I know there are probably a lot of things I should ban from my life but I would walk around in tears without them…heehee!

I did pretty well all in all yesterday. Had a burger for lunch with a tomato slice bigger round than the bun…sooooo yummy! I did have cereal for dinner tho…shredded wheat this time. Cheerios with banana and fresh peaches this morning. I know…I just don’t feel complete without my cereal. I have eggs rarely…when I do it fills me longer BUT I still am left feeling in want of my cereal…my taste wasn’t satisfied. So I will aim to wean off of it somewhat…just not completely.

Going berry  pickin’ with my Mom this morning. Still job hunting…still quiet…boy do I ever feel undesired in the work force. Im just continuing to be in prayer about it and that I will be open to new areas and change if its His will.

I was able to trade in J’s car (the one I hated to drive because he let HER drive it and ran around in it w/ her). With the help of my parents I now have a car in my name and can pay them back when I get work. Its older but has a good engine…a few little problems that Im taking it in for tomorrow morning.

This week my daughter is also getting a car…a gift from relatives who were going to trade it in. We will just need to tag and insure it…not sure on the taxes yet. It will be extra nice because I have been driving her back and forth to work everyday and sitting in the traffic. Will be thankful to not be doing that by next week.

Also this week I am going to see about getting rid of some of my jewelry…don’t know if stores will buy back there stuff or not. I don’t want the things J gave me…it means nothing now…need the money anyway. I want to see an attorney about getting the divorce started…not waiting on J to do it…he could care less at this point…it doesn’t stop him from doing what he wants to do…but it does stop me cause Im not like that. In Gods eyes…and my eyes, we are still married. I cant move on with my life that way so I will be the one to start the process.

I had to make a very difficult decision several weeks back…to let my youngest stay with J and continue to go to school where he was. I wanted what was best for him and couldn’t take any more battles. Now this past weekend he tells me he thinks he wants to come live here. I know he is torn and that’s why I didn’t put my foot down earlier. We will see what happens.

So that’s my exciting life for now. Better get ready to pick berries…yum! Have a great day! Will be catching you with you later in the day…HUGS!

Do you ever just want to SCREAM!? I do…right this very minute. Im fighting to stay in control of my mouth and hands. I want to eat eat eat eat eat! Grrrrrrrr! It becomes like an overwhelming feeling…like youre just gonna burst if you don’t have food to chew and make this craziness go away…I feel anxious…like Im coming out of my skin…I want food!

I did ok this morning…not great but ok. Had Corn chex with fresh peaches and banana…not bad right?…but I poured a second bowl. Not only am I am food junkie but cereal is as evil as chocolate cake for me. I could eat a box to myself for a meal.

Its about time for lunch but Im feeling very crazed and out of control…don’t want to over do it so I thought I will put this out there first…hopefully it will make me think and keep me in check somewhat…I hope…

Hope youre having a Beautiful Sunday Buddies. I had a great time with my 2 youngest yesterday and this morning…although it did turn a little emotional…this stuff we are going through is so hard for them. Its one thing what J did to me and my heart…but the kids…well, cant even go there cause it tears me up in itty bitty pieces…so unfair for them…I hate what his choices put them through! Enough of that cause I will just go further down the eat everything in my sight road…get it together Deb!

…When FOOD is involved? I feel in constant battle with myself…over things I’ve been through and fought over and over. I ate a bowl of frosted mini wheat this morning and then was eyeing a half of a LARGE blueberry muffin left by my son. I was not hungry but wanted that muffin…let me rephrase that, I wanted to keep eating, I did not want the muffin. I had to talk myself out of it…even had it in my hand to take downstairs with me and a cup of tea. I wrapped it up and left it tho. Why was it so difficult to do? How crazy is this? Why do I allow food this control over me? It frustrates me and then I get angry and disgusted with myself. It should be simple…the baby steps we talk about so often. I seem to love to complicate things. If Im full I should not continue to eat…SIMPLE right? Not for my stubborn self. It makes me want to bang my head against a wall to make it sink in.

Not trying to “preach” to anyone…but there a verse that has been in my head…I didnt understand it until several years back…it didn’t make sense to me and then it clicked.

“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.” Romans 7:15. That’s me…my battle…for ME, I know its more than just a love of food and feeling comfort from it…it is spiritual warfare…my battle…I have not been fighting it well. I tire and distract easily. But I will not give up…thank God for that. I do have my moments where I do feel like Im done…don’t want to this or anything else anymore…but its only temporary. I think we are kept so busy nowadays in life that we a tired…so very tired and when we are tired our strength to battle little or big situations diminishes. We must keep fighting…I must keep fighting. I have to find the little bits of success throughout the day and view it as successful…not let my failures beat me down.

So here I am…embarrassed but not quitting. I weighed in at 243.8 this morning (clothed)…cant do my naked weigh-ins right now…my scale is not in the bathroom. Its heart breaking to me that I was down to 212 or something back in February and now here I am…Again. I am trying daily to grasp my new life and so I must begin again with this part of myself and my weight…not to mention the zillion other issues I need to work on, Heehee!

Thanks so very much to all of you for your comments yesterday. I love you guys terribly! I wish I could visit you and give you hugs in person. Thank you for always being here for me and loving me mess and all!!! I hope to catch up some today with you…missing you much! My youngest is with me this weekend…I’ll have to fill you in on  stuff that has changed…later tho. Big HUGE HUGS to you! Have a Wonderful Saturday!

I am so disgusted with myself…all I do is eat or think about eating…even when Im full I am thinking about what I want next…after the fullness goes away. I have avoided BS…my second home…its that bad. I’ve been hiding out on Facebook instead. I am dealing with accepting things in my life…and am making some progress…some. I am ready to move on with the divorce but it is still extremely painful…so many things I cant even put a voice to…it its unexplainably devastating.  I can not continue to turn to food as my comfort place…its so beyond that even…it is truly sick to me, my love/lust for food/eating.

I have gained more…I have undone so much of the progress I made. I am once again finding myself saying…I COULD be close to goal…all I HAD to do was lose 5 a month…instead Ive been gaining. Would’ve-Could’ve-Should’ve’s…blah blah blah! Why do we do this…why do I do this? I really feel like a sick-o…always in need of a fix. I need to be back on here and grab this by the throat again. I am completely miserable and disgusted with myself. I look and feel like I have an inner tube below my waist…my “baby pooch” is full blown…flab spilling over the sides of my ever tightening pants…needing to go into the next higher size again. I WONT do it!

So here I am…again…sick of this sick-o yet?

Reading a blog of Roberts from the other day, I realized just how much I have gotten back to the BIG picture way of thinking or the end of the road view instead of what I know works best for me…the little by little…baby steps…5 pounds at a time…one day at a time. My focus shifted again with my stresses and fears of all the changes and my overwhelming thought of when will my life change for the better. And sometimes it just seems unreachable…to far away. Im not a highly patient person although over the years I have learned to be. I get caught in the moment…and swallowed by the long road ahead in my weight loss and in my personal life issues.

At the beginning of this year, my goal was very doable and very much in view. I only needed to focus on 5 pounds a month…FIVE…in order to meet my goal by the end of the year. And then I fell…hard…and I gained 25+ pounds…and now I am fighting to just get that back off. I have to get real again…refocus…get a little selfish with my attention and take care of me first.

Ive said it before…Im stubborn…I will not quit…but I need to get real and stop sitting in my pity puddle eating til my hearts content. Get real Deb…get it together and get moving…now…today…not next week or tomorrow. Accept what it is…and change what I can…I am worth it…my children are worth it.

We are all worth it…why do we treat ourselves so badly? Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself? We are worth it…we do matter…YOU MATTER! You are beautiful no matter what…but we are all here for the same reason…weight loss or maintaining it. We want to feel better about ourselves…look good…feel good…maybe even feel sexy.

Today I am going to keep shifting my focus to the little picture…the next 5 pounds…a start of some form of exercise no matter how small…a better food choice during a meal…baby steps…

So thank you Robert…my Brother from another Mother you helped open my eyes again. Hugs to you and all the great buddies on here!

…I lived at the beach! Or maybe I should make that lived ON the beach. We had such a wonderful time (with the exception of some ridiculous bickering between my 12 & 14 y/o’s).

When we got there on Tuesday we went straight out to the beach…got our feet wet…ate a quick packed lunch and then hit the water. Nobody wanted to get out to eat dinner…it was AWESOME! The water was fairly calm which was great for my youngest with it being his first time in it. It was beastly hot so being in the water bobbing around on the waves was just perfect. We got our toes pinched by crabs…watched the minnows swimming right in front of us and the sea gulls trying to catch them…dug up some sand crabs…rescued a butterfly from the ocean…built a sand castle…collected some shells…and got tanned and my 17 y/o got burnt…yikes! When eventually gathered our stuff and headed in around 7 to get cleaned up and grab dinner. Then we went back to the beach for a nighttime walk. All that swimming and walking my big behiny through that sand better pay off in a loss this week.

We went back out Wednesday morning…it was overcast. We got in about 1 ½ in the water before a storm rolled in and the lifeguards cleared the beach. As we stood on the beach gathering our things we saw the dolphins swimming by…very very close to where we had just been in. Oh would I love to swim with the dolphins…its on my bucket list. We had to change in McD’s because we had already checked out of the room…we were stinky! Grabbed lunch and headed on home…sadly. No one wanted to leave and we are already planning to go back next year for a full week I hope…if I finally get a job.

I had a few moments of looking at the pretty young skinny girls ( my daughter included) and being embarrassed of myself…or fearing mens reations, but one I got in the water, it all washed away and I just enjoyed. I knew I missed the beach…the ocean, but just not HOW much I did.

I gave up a lot of things when it came to J…going to start rediscovering them like beautiful lost treasures. Next on the list…camping!

Ive had a couple upsets with J in the last couple days…more hurtful stuff…will it EVER end??? I just want the hurt to stop and quite honestly…I don’t know how or when it will…my heart just still feels broken…indescribable pain. Part of me just wants to hate on him…rip into him and all he’s done and doing. The other part still has such a deep love for him and the hurt is very intense when I hear of his plans to involve “the other woman” in his plans with our kids. The decision over the school for my 12 y/o has been a very sad process too. My 17 y/o was caught smoking this afternoon by J. J’s dad died 1 ½ years ago from lung cancer…he just doesn’t get it.

OK…now…Heading to the beach in the morning…it worked out better to do it this week rather than next. Im excited…and nervous about doing this on my “own”. And Im a bit upset with myself on the shape Im in…but  Im planning to go have fun regardless. All four of the kiddos are going…pray for me, haha! I just want to make some good memories. My biggest fear…anyone making rude comments to me about my appearance that will be hurtful to my kids. I can handle it even tho its unpleasant…but I don’t want my kids to endure any of it. I hope we will be around people with manners.

I lost a pound at my weigh in Saturday. The cleaning job helped that. Today I am struggling greatly with the desire to do some emotional eating. Im feeling mean and grumpy. The phones calls from J today and over the weekend have drained me. Gotta pull it together tho…gotta do it quick.

OH…My daughter go the job!!!!!!!!!!! Yay yeehaw whoooopie! She is supposed to start on about the 20^th. Now its my turn…I hope!

Alrighty…so I’ll check back in after the beach trip…hopefully we will have the Comcast hooked up then too. HUGS buddies…miss ya!