readytoemerge

I know youre right on the cereal
Kama…just please don’t ask me to give up my other love…Hahaha! I know there are probably a lot of things I should ban from my life but I would walk around in tears without them…heehee!

I did pretty well all in all yesterday. Had a burger for lunch with a tomato slice bigger round than the bun…sooooo yummy! I did have cereal for dinner tho…shredded wheat this time. Cheerios with banana and fresh peaches this morning. I know…I just don’t feel complete without my cereal. I have eggs rarely…when I do it fills me longer BUT I still am left feeling in want of my cereal…my taste wasn’t satisfied. So I will aim to wean off of it somewhat…just not completely.

Going berry  pickin’ with my Mom this morning. Still job hunting…still quiet…boy do I ever feel undesired in the work force. Im just continuing to be in prayer about it and that I will be open to new areas and change if its His will.

I was able to trade in J’s car (the one I hated to drive because he let HER drive it and ran around in it w/ her). With the help of my parents I now have a car in my name and can pay them back when I get work. Its older but has a good engine…a few little problems that Im taking it in for tomorrow morning.

This week my daughter is also getting a car…a gift from relatives who were going to trade it in. We will just need to tag and insure it…not sure on the taxes yet. It will be extra nice because I have been driving her back and forth to work everyday and sitting in the traffic. Will be thankful to not be doing that by next week.

Also this week I am going to see about getting rid of some of my jewelry…don’t know if stores will buy back there stuff or not. I don’t want the things J gave me…it means nothing now…need the money anyway. I want to see an attorney about getting the divorce started…not waiting on J to do it…he could care less at this point…it doesn’t stop him from doing what he wants to do…but it does stop me cause Im not like that. In Gods eyes…and my eyes, we are still married. I cant move on with my life that way so I will be the one to start the process.

I had to make a very difficult decision several weeks back…to let my youngest stay with J and continue to go to school where he was. I wanted what was best for him and couldn’t take any more battles. Now this past weekend he tells me he thinks he wants to come live here. I know he is torn and that’s why I didn’t put my foot down earlier. We will see what happens.

So that’s my exciting life for now. Better get ready to pick berries…yum! Have a great day! Will be catching you with you later in the day…HUGS!

Do you ever just want to SCREAM!? I do…right this very minute. Im fighting to stay in control of my mouth and hands. I want to eat eat eat eat eat! Grrrrrrrr! It becomes like an overwhelming feeling…like youre just gonna burst if you don’t have food to chew and make this craziness go away…I feel anxious…like Im coming out of my skin…I want food!

I did ok this morning…not great but ok. Had Corn chex with fresh peaches and banana…not bad right?…but I poured a second bowl. Not only am I am food junkie but cereal is as evil as chocolate cake for me. I could eat a box to myself for a meal.

Its about time for lunch but Im feeling very crazed and out of control…don’t want to over do it so I thought I will put this out there first…hopefully it will make me think and keep me in check somewhat…I hope…

Hope youre having a Beautiful Sunday Buddies. I had a great time with my 2 youngest yesterday and this morning…although it did turn a little emotional…this stuff we are going through is so hard for them. Its one thing what J did to me and my heart…but the kids…well, cant even go there cause it tears me up in itty bitty pieces…so unfair for them…I hate what his choices put them through! Enough of that cause I will just go further down the eat everything in my sight road…get it together Deb!

…When FOOD is involved? I feel in constant battle with myself…over things I’ve been through and fought over and over. I ate a bowl of frosted mini wheat this morning and then was eyeing a half of a LARGE blueberry muffin left by my son. I was not hungry but wanted that muffin…let me rephrase that, I wanted to keep eating, I did not want the muffin. I had to talk myself out of it…even had it in my hand to take downstairs with me and a cup of tea. I wrapped it up and left it tho. Why was it so difficult to do? How crazy is this? Why do I allow food this control over me? It frustrates me and then I get angry and disgusted with myself. It should be simple…the baby steps we talk about so often. I seem to love to complicate things. If Im full I should not continue to eat…SIMPLE right? Not for my stubborn self. It makes me want to bang my head against a wall to make it sink in.

Not trying to “preach” to anyone…but there a verse that has been in my head…I didnt understand it until several years back…it didn’t make sense to me and then it clicked.

“For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.” Romans 7:15. That’s me…my battle…for ME, I know its more than just a love of food and feeling comfort from it…it is spiritual warfare…my battle…I have not been fighting it well. I tire and distract easily. But I will not give up…thank God for that. I do have my moments where I do feel like Im done…don’t want to this or anything else anymore…but its only temporary. I think we are kept so busy nowadays in life that we a tired…so very tired and when we are tired our strength to battle little or big situations diminishes. We must keep fighting…I must keep fighting. I have to find the little bits of success throughout the day and view it as successful…not let my failures beat me down.

So here I am…embarrassed but not quitting. I weighed in at 243.8 this morning (clothed)…cant do my naked weigh-ins right now…my scale is not in the bathroom. Its heart breaking to me that I was down to 212 or something back in February and now here I am…Again. I am trying daily to grasp my new life and so I must begin again with this part of myself and my weight…not to mention the zillion other issues I need to work on, Heehee!

Thanks so very much to all of you for your comments yesterday. I love you guys terribly! I wish I could visit you and give you hugs in person. Thank you for always being here for me and loving me mess and all!!! I hope to catch up some today with you…missing you much! My youngest is with me this weekend…I’ll have to fill you in on  stuff that has changed…later tho. Big HUGE HUGS to you! Have a Wonderful Saturday!

I am so disgusted with myself…all I do is eat or think about eating…even when Im full I am thinking about what I want next…after the fullness goes away. I have avoided BS…my second home…its that bad. I’ve been hiding out on Facebook instead. I am dealing with accepting things in my life…and am making some progress…some. I am ready to move on with the divorce but it is still extremely painful…so many things I cant even put a voice to…it its unexplainably devastating.  I can not continue to turn to food as my comfort place…its so beyond that even…it is truly sick to me, my love/lust for food/eating.

I have gained more…I have undone so much of the progress I made. I am once again finding myself saying…I COULD be close to goal…all I HAD to do was lose 5 a month…instead Ive been gaining. Would’ve-Could’ve-Should’ve’s…blah blah blah! Why do we do this…why do I do this? I really feel like a sick-o…always in need of a fix. I need to be back on here and grab this by the throat again. I am completely miserable and disgusted with myself. I look and feel like I have an inner tube below my waist…my “baby pooch” is full blown…flab spilling over the sides of my ever tightening pants…needing to go into the next higher size again. I WONT do it!

So here I am…again…sick of this sick-o yet?

Reading a blog of Roberts from the other day, I realized just how much I have gotten back to the BIG picture way of thinking or the end of the road view instead of what I know works best for me…the little by little…baby steps…5 pounds at a time…one day at a time. My focus shifted again with my stresses and fears of all the changes and my overwhelming thought of when will my life change for the better. And sometimes it just seems unreachable…to far away. Im not a highly patient person although over the years I have learned to be. I get caught in the moment…and swallowed by the long road ahead in my weight loss and in my personal life issues.

At the beginning of this year, my goal was very doable and very much in view. I only needed to focus on 5 pounds a month…FIVE…in order to meet my goal by the end of the year. And then I fell…hard…and I gained 25+ pounds…and now I am fighting to just get that back off. I have to get real again…refocus…get a little selfish with my attention and take care of me first.

Ive said it before…Im stubborn…I will not quit…but I need to get real and stop sitting in my pity puddle eating til my hearts content. Get real Deb…get it together and get moving…now…today…not next week or tomorrow. Accept what it is…and change what I can…I am worth it…my children are worth it.

We are all worth it…why do we treat ourselves so badly? Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself? We are worth it…we do matter…YOU MATTER! You are beautiful no matter what…but we are all here for the same reason…weight loss or maintaining it. We want to feel better about ourselves…look good…feel good…maybe even feel sexy.

Today I am going to keep shifting my focus to the little picture…the next 5 pounds…a start of some form of exercise no matter how small…a better food choice during a meal…baby steps…

So thank you Robert…my Brother from another Mother you helped open my eyes again. Hugs to you and all the great buddies on here!

…I lived at the beach! Or maybe I should make that lived ON the beach. We had such a wonderful time (with the exception of some ridiculous bickering between my 12 & 14 y/o’s).

When we got there on Tuesday we went straight out to the beach…got our feet wet…ate a quick packed lunch and then hit the water. Nobody wanted to get out to eat dinner…it was AWESOME! The water was fairly calm which was great for my youngest with it being his first time in it. It was beastly hot so being in the water bobbing around on the waves was just perfect. We got our toes pinched by crabs…watched the minnows swimming right in front of us and the sea gulls trying to catch them…dug up some sand crabs…rescued a butterfly from the ocean…built a sand castle…collected some shells…and got tanned and my 17 y/o got burnt…yikes! When eventually gathered our stuff and headed in around 7 to get cleaned up and grab dinner. Then we went back to the beach for a nighttime walk. All that swimming and walking my big behiny through that sand better pay off in a loss this week.

We went back out Wednesday morning…it was overcast. We got in about 1 ½ in the water before a storm rolled in and the lifeguards cleared the beach. As we stood on the beach gathering our things we saw the dolphins swimming by…very very close to where we had just been in. Oh would I love to swim with the dolphins…its on my bucket list. We had to change in McD’s because we had already checked out of the room…we were stinky! Grabbed lunch and headed on home…sadly. No one wanted to leave and we are already planning to go back next year for a full week I hope…if I finally get a job.

I had a few moments of looking at the pretty young skinny girls ( my daughter included) and being embarrassed of myself…or fearing mens reations, but one I got in the water, it all washed away and I just enjoyed. I knew I missed the beach…the ocean, but just not HOW much I did.

I gave up a lot of things when it came to J…going to start rediscovering them like beautiful lost treasures. Next on the list…camping!

Ive had a couple upsets with J in the last couple days…more hurtful stuff…will it EVER end??? I just want the hurt to stop and quite honestly…I don’t know how or when it will…my heart just still feels broken…indescribable pain. Part of me just wants to hate on him…rip into him and all he’s done and doing. The other part still has such a deep love for him and the hurt is very intense when I hear of his plans to involve “the other woman” in his plans with our kids. The decision over the school for my 12 y/o has been a very sad process too. My 17 y/o was caught smoking this afternoon by J. J’s dad died 1 ½ years ago from lung cancer…he just doesn’t get it.

OK…now…Heading to the beach in the morning…it worked out better to do it this week rather than next. Im excited…and nervous about doing this on my “own”. And Im a bit upset with myself on the shape Im in…but  Im planning to go have fun regardless. All four of the kiddos are going…pray for me, haha! I just want to make some good memories. My biggest fear…anyone making rude comments to me about my appearance that will be hurtful to my kids. I can handle it even tho its unpleasant…but I don’t want my kids to endure any of it. I hope we will be around people with manners.

I lost a pound at my weigh in Saturday. The cleaning job helped that. Today I am struggling greatly with the desire to do some emotional eating. Im feeling mean and grumpy. The phones calls from J today and over the weekend have drained me. Gotta pull it together tho…gotta do it quick.

OH…My daughter go the job!!!!!!!!!!! Yay yeehaw whoooopie! She is supposed to start on about the 20^th. Now its my turn…I hope!

Alrighty…so I’ll check back in after the beach trip…hopefully we will have the Comcast hooked up then too. HUGS buddies…miss ya!

There are days I wonder if I have a split personality. I mean what is it that makes me switch so quickly from wanting to change my life to a screw it all attitude? Yes, I LOVE food…I love eating…I love textures and tastes…I love chewing…I…LOVE…FOOD! But WHY do I love it more than myself? More than the quality of my life? Or more than my health? Do I have a death wish??? No really, I wonder if I secretly do. Do I get off on being miserable with myself? Or maybe Im just to lazy to care? Is it depression related? The sad realization that the fairy tales you were read while growing up were total crap and people hurt you so why not hide yourself under fat for a couple layers of protection from the big bad wolves in life. What the heck is wrong with me that I am failing at this? Every day starts with this will be the day…followed by more overeating and disgust…followed by more overeating to numb the pain and humiliation that I bring on myself. How many times will I lose and gain…lose and gain…AHHHHH!

Im not meaning this to be a downer blog or beating myself up…just simply trying to work my way through this tangled mess Ive made of myself. Ive got to talk it out…embarrassing or not…this is me… At 43 I am on a mission to figure out who I am…what I want…what I like. I have to be the one to care enough to make the changes and apparently I have not so far. I need to figure out why and fix it…I need to care enough to make PERMANENT changes…POSITIVE changes. Im stubborn so I wont quit but that same stubbornness is what I am fighting against to work through all this. Yes…Im a mess but I am going to learn I am worth this fight.

On a side note…my daughter and I got a little side work cleaning…heading out to do that today. And, I think she got the job she has been trying for for the last month…will know later today…happy dance!

Off to clean…will check in later…LOVES YA!!

I have been promising my youngest…now 12 ½ …a trip to the beach. He’s never been. With everything that’s happened over the last several years it has not happened. At the beginning of summer I told him I didn’t know when or how but at some point before school I would get him to the beach for a day…no matter the money…no matter the situation. Well…my parents offered to pay for a room for a night so now we can go for a day and a half rather than a partial day. So…now its on…I think we will be going in about 1 ½ weeks. I am thrilled to be able to do this and take the kids…but I am terrified of exposing my body on the beach! I used to LOVE the beach and would stay out in the ocean for hours just rolling over the waves…Now, the thoughts of how much can I cover up my body and knowing if I get wet, aint nothin’ gonna hide my flab under wet clothes.

These are new chapters of my life…just Deb not Jeff & Deb. I gave up the beach cause J didn’t like it. Now its just me to be in charge of the safety of the kids on the trip. I want to have fun and create GREAT memories for us in this new stage of life…I am scared to death. Oh mercy, I need to learn to let go and enjoy.

I hope this will give me a jump to get on the ball and lose at least a little before we go. The kids and I haven’t had much to be able to look forward to…so I am excited. I cant wait to hear the waves rolling in…soooooo therapeutic for me…sooooo needed.

Ok…so my quest to lose at least 5 pounds before the beach starts…NOW!

One of the issues I had with my soon to be Ex…he was a big Justifier. For a long time I fell for it…then I caught on. I hated it…he hurt me a lot with that action over many many different issues…from little things like getting what HE wanted to the big things like being unfaithful. He could justify anything…at least in his head.

Well guess what…Im a justifier too! Dagnabit! I justified the two scoops of butter pecan ice cream with a brownie last night with my having a mentally stressful day…I “deserved” it. I even justified the 3 bowls of rice krispie cereal this morning because at least I put banana on it…at least I was getting in fruit, right? I justify eating what I want because, heck Im ALREADY fat…whats the big deal…may as well eat what I want…Ive failed so many times…I’ll never lose the weight…I always gain it back…no one wants me anyway…don’t know that I want anyone to want me…may as well at least ENJOY life thru food if I cant any other way…

See what I do…see how I can just keep rolling with it? Im a damn justifier and I don’t like that. I don’t want to be like him. Im learning about me and now I have to work through changing the things I don’t like and cant live with for ME.

Back to writing down my food…I think I will even write the WHY to my eating (I was hungry…It was “time”…I was pissed…). OK…so Ive been ‘here” before…so what…I need to learn to work past it…past the obstacles in myself…I WILL do this if it takes me the rest of my life to do it…I will not give up…Im too stubborn

Thanks for the great suggestions on replacements for food when in need of comfort. It was a great help and I will be working on that as well.

Many HUGS to you and much love! Trying to read as many blogs as I can in limited time. My Dad is getting Comcast installed so I think I will be able to have more access soon…cant wait! Have a SUPER day Buddies!