readytoemerge

I have been a horrible buddy and I really am sorry about that. Still weeding my way through my life and just have not been able to give any more than to my kids and myself. I am slowly losing more weight but need to get the exercise in. I got a second cleaning side job that is every week…so more money to earn. There have been a couple good possible job opportunities recently…will see what happens. Oh, and Ive been a bad girl, met someone online…dont know if it will be anything more than friendship…I did meet him in person once and some definite flirting is going on and a dinner invite…Im scared so I just dont know. And Becca…I know I shouldnt meet men online but its your fault Its the site I joined a while back when you did and Im not sure if you even use it anymore…hahaha! Anyway, Im being cautious…well mostly…I just wanna have some fun…
I am leaving here shortly to do my cleaning job but will be on tonight although it may be late. I miss you guys terribly…feel not myself without chatting with you and knowing how youre doing. I am really sorry for not being supportive to you and hope youre doing really FANTASTIC! SUPER SIZED HUGS comin at ya so look out…Love you!

Couple things on my mind this morning. First, ladies…did you know that wearing sexy undergarment can make you feel better about yourself. It can change the way you carry yourself, even if you are feeling not so great about the outside. Are you a plain white bra and panty girl or do you get a little racy with animal print or sassy colors? If you’re a plain Jane, I challenge you to get a little fun with the things only you may see…do it for you! I bet it will perk you up…maybe in more ways than one I need to replace one of mine cause its poking the crap out of the side of my girls. Do you know I have never been properly sized? I may do it for this next one…swallow my pride…suck it up…most likely suck it IN and do it.

Next thing…I think I may be starting the joys of menopause. For the last couple months I have had moments of feeling flushed…starting to sweat. Even some moments (this is embarrassing) where I sweat so much down my back that it runs down and soaks through the back seat of my pants…especially if they are a light fabric. I kept thinking it was because I put back on some weight but now…I just may be going down that road to menopause…BLAH! On top of the sweats, Ive been a little on the sick side the last couple days…stuffy…headache…sore throat and coughing & I think a low fever.

Next…I will not allow myself to sink into that nasty pit…but I am fighting it at the moment. Having email discussions with J about the divorce…just starting out…it stirs that mucky crappy pit and its bubbling up…Lord it HURTS! Crying again…and pissed…and sad…and depressed…and scared. I do not want to go back down…I want a life again. Pray for me please…I need strength…I also need a job.

Alright…lastly…Mayas comment on my blog yesterday (thank you) got me thinking…”You CAN do this. Don’t just talk it — WALK IT.” I do a lot of “talking” and not enough “walking”. I think we talk the talk sometimes to try to pump ourselves up…to get ourselves mentally prepared and excited about what we are preparing to do. I also think that sometimes that talk can end up psyching ourselves out and then we do nothing…so here is to more “walking”! I did well yesterday food wise…had to struggle through a few mental moments of wanting to eat more. I am not exercising again yet…but will add it in soon…just focused on getting in some good foods (which I did…blueberries, nuts, tomato, apple, salad) and not eating more than I need…simple right?

Watched Biggest Loser last night and cried…how can you not be inspired by these people and their stories. The theme was second chances and each story was moving…some more than others…one I didn’t know how she was functioning with the grief she has gone through. BL NEVER fails to inspire me…problem is it doesn’t last….I want it to last. I have an admission I just want to lay out there. Even in the midst of the inspiration and new found motivation and lets face it, SHAME…I sit watching the show and my mind drifts to food…I want to EAT…even watching BL I want CHOW DOWN! Don’t know if its because its stirring the emotional side of things or what. I didn’t do it last night but I sure did last season…it was shameful!
I start today with a new resolve to really…no REALLY buckle down and make this work in my life. There are two songs that I heard yesterday that really stuck with me…one in particular has been with me for a month or so. For me these songs are connected to my faith and my healing but I can also apply them to this weight loss journey. Im gonna attach links and I hope you take a few minutes to listen at some point to them.

The first is called The Motions by Matthew West. I relate because I want to have my life matter…not just go through the motions. One part says…”what if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions.” I have not been giving everything in many areas of my life…What if I had? Where would I be now? What wonderful things can come from making the choice to do it now?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaHmiFaX_pk

The second is called Shackles by Mary Mary. Not only is it a GREAT song to get up and move too, but again, it makes me think about being “free” from so many things.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRayKxgePQI

I started my day off well. A bowl of oatmeal with blueberries and some walnuts…YUM! Praying I can continue through the day and push out the desire to FEED…honestly, I am struggling even now…wanting to eat more…just to eat. I want today to be my “second chance”…new day…new resolve…new life. I CAN do this…you CAN do this.

I was standing outside this morning with my son while he waited for the bus. As I was standing there I noticed a black bug on the ground…on its back. Its little legs were moving furiously…walking in air…every few seconds or so it would stretch out one of its legs to the ground to try to flip itself over. I watched for a few minutes…mentally cheering him on (even tho I really happen to dislike bugs like that, especially when they get inside). As the bus came and I started to turn to head in…I stopped and gently nudged him over to upright him. It got me thinking about me and how I feel like that bug most of the time…feverishly running but not going anywhere because Im on my back! You Buddies are that person that comes along and takes pity on this old bug and keeps flipping me back over to my feet.
Along that train of thought a saying comes to mind…one we always said in the trucking business…kind of a well wish to a driver leaving…the saying was, Keep the SHINY side UP! (Greasy side down)…meaning, be careful. But it also meant he (or she) could keep going…keep the truck moving…the truck makes money…they make money…mission accomplished. If the truck is greasy or dirty side up…no one is doing well…no one is moving…no progress is being made (and hopefully no one is terribly injured).
So my point in this is to first say THANK YOU! For up righting me and lets keep our SHINY side upright so we can move FORWARD and progress. Anyone else need a nudge?

Well, I started my starting over a little early. I called to set a hair appointment for today and what they had open was yesterday…so I went and got a brand new cut and some highlights. I LOVE IT! I have avoided short hair because “someone” didn’t like it. (He also hated red hair and guess what color hair hers is…PFFFF!)
OK…enough of that cause its now about me and what I, ME, MOI, wants. I am taking back my life…my control. So first step has been accomplished!

I also had a tiny progress with the scale…Im down from last week…239…YAY! I started making a list yesterday of things I aim to do. Basically things to get me back out there and focusing on other things. Im ESSSSCITED!! (Anyone who watches RUBY will understand my spelling of excited :P).
Here is my list so far…haven’t gotten real far yet.
• New cut/style…noticeably different and SASSY!
• Sell jewelry (to pay bills and help fund the big D…divorce, not me ;))
• Get involved with Woman’s group at church
• Get back to attending church regularly
• Take my Kiddos CAMPING!
• Find a lawyer to begin divorce process
• FIND A JOB! Im trying…
• Get off computer and more active
• Get back to some walking
• LOSE weight vs gaining it
• Be a much better BUDDY to the wonderful peeps here…you guys are amazing!

That’s it so far. (My dog Chloe is snoring…she is getting worse with that and GAS as she gets older…she is distracting my brain…short attention span).
Hope you all have an AWESOME Weekend! Will have all my kids here this afternoon/night before taking them to J’s for his bday tomorrow. Looking forward to my time with them all together.
Today is my day to start again…Just Me…relearning…rediscovering…healing…I think I am finally ready =)

Life…Boring or Crazy…Happy or Sad…Up or Down…For me, LIFE has everything to do with this weight struggle. Being an emotional eater, not to mention the fact that I just freakin love to eat, is affected by daily life. Its not an excuse but an admission…a fact I must face and deal with head on. I SOOOOO like to “avoid” problems…especially when they are painful. I don’t like conflicts…ya know…”cant we all just get along?”. I think when I cant avoid it or change it I stuff it…with food.
I know there have been people in the past…maybe even now… that were frustrated with the “personal” stuff people talk about…day to day life…our families…our pets…our life yet not specifically discussing our eating or exercise in the same way. Well for me, its intertwined and one cannot be separated from the other.

Tomorrow marks a sad day for the United States…it also has marked a sad day for me personally. I wont go far into this again but yesterday marks 3 years since J bailed on our marriage…I want to reclaim that day and start my new life…a new leaf…heck a friggin whole new tree. Im going to work on a list of things I want to begin to accomplish and ACTUALLY do them! I will still struggle but I can feel I can almost touch where Im trying to stand again…its just out of reach of my fingertips. Im going to do it…Im going to begin my life…for God…for me…for my kids…for my future. Thanks so very much for the support and the love…this place has become so much more than what I ever thought it would be. BuddySlim …ALL of you are playing a very big role in my healing. I love you and thank you more than words can express!

Ive still got a HUGE lump in my throat…still very sad…part of me just wants to sit and cry…not gonna. Im off to do my daily job searches and then will be back to read up on what Ive been missing…HUGS!

First though…THANK YOU! It always feels comforting to know you are not alone in your feelings and struggles…no matter how shameful they seem. Thanks so much for the love and support buddies! Each comment spoke to my heart…

Ok…this morning as I crammed yet another gross frosted strawberry poptart in, I realized something I have been stressing on for the last week…something I have been partially putting off and partially have not had the alone time to do. The book Im reading suggested writing a letter to the soon to be ex (not to be given to him but for my healing)…to get out all I need to say. I have been trying on my own to approach it for almost 3 years now and have been unable to face it. I will have that alone time tonight and I am stressing. I know I need this…but I know how upsetting it will be and I am doing all I can to smile every day…put on the happy face for those around me. Next week will be three years since J left our marriage for good (truly it was before then but officially it was Sept. 11, 2006. One day before his b-day…one month before our anniversary…and right before the birthday/holiday season that runs from Sept-Jan for us. (Do you know he had the nerve to be pissed that I didn’t “do anything” for his b-day…”for the kids sake” ??? One day after he left our marriage!!!! I was sick in bed…unable to function…unable to eat or even keep a swallow of water down. He was not the man I married…the boy I married…WHO was he??? This year is technically our 25^th wedding anniversary since we are not divorced. I want to be healed from this…its taking too long. I am hurt but ready to be done. My biggest issue now is that bimbo slut being around my kids…them seeing any affection exchanges between them, etc. Yea…Ive got a lot to get out and honestly I am tempted to give it to him. I kept a lot in in hopes of a reconciliation over the three years…now the anger has been brewing and Im ready to spew. I am afraid tho that once I let go to let it pour out, that it wont stop and I’ll end up a crazy, angry, bitter, old cat lady. Having this place to let it out is such a help…but Im still fearful…I don’t want to hate…but what Im feeling is only growing in intensity…it doesn’t feel good…maybe Im stuffing those feeling too. Don’t get me wrong…not looking for excuses for my overeating…just reason behind them. I put the food to my lips…Im a big girl…make my own decisions in what I eat…or how much. Gotta dig out those big girl panties again and step up to do what I need to do. Lord please help me…please strengthen me and direct me.

Yep…more gain…Im goin crazy. Last week was 241.8…now Im at 245.4. This stage of acceptance and the anger that comes with it…not to mention the loneliness and depression are sending me running to food even more. Let me rephrase that comment because I am responsible for my actions…I am making the choice to eat. I want to care. I want to not continue to gain but I don’t want to stop eating…feeding my emotions. This process has been going on so long. I can see moments of progress…I know things in me are changing, however slow…but I am so frustrated with myself and my choices. Sometimes the way I get myself up and moving is to bribe myself with food. I’ll lay in bed in the morning…thinking, I just don’t want to deal with it today. Finally I get myself up with the promise of something yummy to “make it better”. I cant go to any store without picking up some kind of food. Yesterday was a Hershey bar and some dried fruit…ate them together last night and it was good…but I didn’t need it. Why can a Poptart…frosted at that, which I don’t really like…why can that speak to me so much louder than my desire to lose weight??? I ate 2 yesterday after lunch…I really don’t like frosted pop tarts…I did it anyway. I am trying to fill in something…maybe trying to plug up the empty holes I feel. They have been there throughout my marriage…since pretty early on in it. The old me…my old life is gone…I am mourning a death of many things. I don’t want it to consume the rest of my life. When will it sink in? Will I ever get myself together and lose weight to keep it off? Or am I going to go through the rest of my days just like this…

I have a confession to make. It is very ugly to me and I don’t like that I feel it. I talked in my last blog about feeling like the only fat person…I know its not true yet all I seem to notice are the thin gorgeous women. Yesterday, as another beauty in a nice SUV passed me buy at a stop sign…I felt ANGER towards her. How crazy is that…me, angry at her…someone I don’t even know…because she seems to have it together. What is wrong with me? I know I have no right to feel that…no reason…I don’t know her or her life…what shes been through what she does to battle the weight or not…what lies in her future. And yet Im angry because she’s got it going on?? I know Im wrong to feel it yet it comes…not just the one lady but many…I think, why cant that be me? I have given my control and power over to something…maybe satan, I don’t know, but Ive got to get it back. I don’t like that part of me. I do have a choice here…why am I not making it?

Part of me keeps thinking I just need to leave here and come back when Im REALLY ready to be serious. The other part knows I will regret it…not to mention miss you guys too much. I just feel like such a hypocrite trying to give advice on things I cant do myself or continue to fail at. I know what to do and how to do it…just not taking the steps to follow through. I feel so much anger raging inside and I don’t like it…don’t want to be like this and maybe that’s why Im stuffing in food. Im pissed guys…and I don’t want to live life like this but I don’t know how to miove past it. I am lonely and yet I know I am no where ready for a man in my life…don’t know that I can ever trust someone again…that angers me. Its hard to be angry at someone you love and in some sense I guess I am angry that God let me marry this person. I know I am wrong for that too…God gave me free will. We are human, not robots. We make our own choices. Life is not about all good times and no pain. Yet Im still angry.

I know this is long…if your reading still, thanks! I need to purge this. I want to understand and heal and move on. I want the hurt to stop and  I want to be successful in my journey. I just want to sit and cry today…Im not going to. I don’t know if I will continue to gain more…but I am going to do something positive today.

Tell me what youre doing positive this weekend…

In the last week or two, Ive been super aware of others around me…mainly women. Everyone else seems to be a “normal” weight if not super tiny with a cute little butt (yes, I look but not in that way :P). Maybe its because I feel so gross myself that I am so highly sensitive to others around me, Im not sure. I just know I hate this feeling. I don’t want to compare myself to everyone. I want to be happy with me and focus on that. Just talking it out…working through this process along with trying to rediscover who Debbi is now. Im torn between wanting to be liked/loved for who I am…as I am, and wanting to be a healthy, attractive weight.

This week and especially the last couple days have been pretty busy. I haven’t been able to be on here like I need to. Did get to pick blackberries with my Momma the other day. We pick 16 pounds. I could’ve kicked myself for not taking my camera with me to the farm/orchard. It was so beautiful…blue skies with white puffy clouds…large clusters of blackberries mingled with red ones still ripening…just gorgeous. We even found a couple bird nests and a creepy cicada/locust. I love the sound they make but don’t want want buzzing past my face as Im up in the blackberry bushes. Here’s a couple pics I took when we got back.

My daughter has her car. I spent part of the day at the MVA getting the tags and title dealt wth yesterday. Also got to clean again for some moola.

Weather here has been perfect…my kinda stuff. Looks like it will continue for a while too…happy girl here! Cool mornings and nights…warm days…low to no humidity…Fall in the air…my kind of weather and it puts me in a happy place inside. I fight my depression and issues with J almost constantly…slowly but surely I will get there. Just trying to keep myself away from that pit.

Well…hope everyone has an awesome weekend. Im reading a book called Live, Laugh, Love Again. Its really helping me. Hope to finish it this weekend and reflect and move forward some more. Enjoy Buddies!

…at a time. That’s all Im going to focus on today. I can give myself that at least, right? With life seeming so overwhelming all the time, I find one excuse after another to eat crap and eat lots of it. I am the great Justifier when it comes to my eating. All it takes is one call from J…just hearing his voice sends me over the edge. Going to put my focus with that to this one day…one meal at a time…one serving at a time…and one bite at a time. I CAN DO IT! You can too!

Yesterday was busy. I had to take my new (old) car in for some problems. One is that the a/c keeps coming on by itself. Well guess what? With the little 30 day 1000 mile warranty, the bad sensor head is NOT covered and costs $900.00. So I will just keep turning it off…over and over…and over. My daughters car is in the process of getting the state inspection on it. Maybe by the end of this week or early next I wont be driving back and forth for 2 ½ hours a day…not to mention sitting in traffic. So very very thankful tho for everything we have. Don’t mean to sound ungrateful…just a little whining this morning.

Heading out soon to go back for the berry picking we were not able to do Monday. Its just BEAUTIFUL here these last couple days…the 7 day forecast looks wonderful too. Mid to upper 70’s again today…LOVE IT!

I hope you all are enjoying some of the same end of summer weather. Have a SUPER day Buddies…HUGS!!