Acceptance/Anger = Another Gain & An Ugly Confession
Yep…more gain…Im goin crazy. Last week was 241.8…now Im at 245.4. This stage of acceptance and the anger that comes with it…not to mention the loneliness and depression are sending me running to food even more. Let me rephrase that comment because I am responsible for my actions…I am making the choice to eat. I want to care. I want to not continue to gain but I don’t want to stop eating…feeding my emotions. This process has been going on so long. I can see moments of progress…I know things in me are changing, however slow…but I am so frustrated with myself and my choices. Sometimes the way I get myself up and moving is to bribe myself with food. I’ll lay in bed in the morning…thinking, I just don’t want to deal with it today. Finally I get myself up with the promise of something yummy to “make it better”. I cant go to any store without picking up some kind of food. Yesterday was a Hershey bar and some dried fruit…ate them together last night and it was good…but I didn’t need it. Why can a Poptart…frosted at that, which I don’t really like…why can that speak to me so much louder than my desire to lose weight??? I ate 2 yesterday after lunch…I really don’t like frosted pop tarts…I did it anyway. I am trying to fill in something…maybe trying to plug up the empty holes I feel. They have been there throughout my marriage…since pretty early on in it. The old me…my old life is gone…I am mourning a death of many things. I don’t want it to consume the rest of my life. When will it sink in? Will I ever get myself together and lose weight to keep it off? Or am I going to go through the rest of my days just like this…
I have a confession to make. It is very ugly to me and I don’t like that I feel it. I talked in my last blog about feeling like the only fat person…I know its not true yet all I seem to notice are the thin gorgeous women. Yesterday, as another beauty in a nice SUV passed me buy at a stop sign…I felt ANGER towards her. How crazy is that…me, angry at her…someone I don’t even know…because she seems to have it together. What is wrong with me? I know I have no right to feel that…no reason…I don’t know her or her life…what shes been through what she does to battle the weight or not…what lies in her future. And yet Im angry because she’s got it going on?? I know Im wrong to feel it yet it comes…not just the one lady but many…I think, why cant that be me? I have given my control and power over to something…maybe satan, I don’t know, but Ive got to get it back. I don’t like that part of me. I do have a choice here…why am I not making it?
Part of me keeps thinking I just need to leave here and come back when Im REALLY ready to be serious. The other part knows I will regret it…not to mention miss you guys too much. I just feel like such a hypocrite trying to give advice on things I cant do myself or continue to fail at. I know what to do and how to do it…just not taking the steps to follow through. I feel so much anger raging inside and I don’t like it…don’t want to be like this and maybe that’s why Im stuffing in food. Im pissed guys…and I don’t want to live life like this but I don’t know how to miove past it. I am lonely and yet I know I am no where ready for a man in my life…don’t know that I can ever trust someone again…that angers me. Its hard to be angry at someone you love and in some sense I guess I am angry that God let me marry this person. I know I am wrong for that too…God gave me free will. We are human, not robots. We make our own choices. Life is not about all good times and no pain. Yet Im still angry.
I know this is long…if your reading still, thanks! I need to purge this. I want to understand and heal and move on. I want the hurt to stop and I want to be successful in my journey. I just want to sit and cry today…Im not going to. I don’t know if I will continue to gain more…but I am going to do something positive today.
Tell me what youre doing positive this weekend…
XML Feed
I am so sorry to hear about all of the painful things that you are going through w/ ex&kids&money and then struggling with your weight on top of everything… just hang in there and don’t give up! Something has gotta give for you soon! I will be praying.
First off I really hope you dont leave BS. I think everyone on here has fallen off the wagon atleast a few times, I have myself for about a week and a half but all you can do try and find something else to fill those holes in youir life. Best of luck to you.
Debbi girl,
this brought tears to my eyes. I come in and read your notes to me, then came to find your blog. Your absolutely right–there are certain things that resound loudly together though we didnt write our blogs together.
Think about getting that book from your library girl. What I read last night, hits some of these points right on the nose. I can only imagine what you are going through–maybe thats why I was thinking of you as well as myself as I was reading. Its only words, but sometimes we need to hear them–I know i’m listening.
I love you debbi girl…sniff sniff (half laugh). Oh and I noticed you changed your pic–he’s a cutie but I miss seeing your beautiful face. However, I can almost hear your logic in changing it right now.
Don’t ever leave. Don’t ever give up. Debbi, I have gained and lost and gained, I got back into the 180s but you GOT to keep trying.
I have to take it hours at a time nowadays…you just have to keep going and try try try. I know how hard it is, I have food issues as well but you have to believe it is NOT worth it. You have to say it outloud sometimes and think back to how awesome you felt when you were losing.
Darling please don’t leave us. You can do it. I absolutely believe that. I know you know how to do it, so this isn’t about advice, it’s about love. We love you, God loves you, and so do those in your life. We all believe in you.
Also, something positive this weekend? I went to church. Whatever your beliefs, take the focus off the food and put it onto something more important, it might help.
Ur still fighting, D! And that MEANs something
No don’t leave us, we need to stick together and lean on one another. Positive things–Josh is holding on–so, we are holding on too— I found out that I’m stronger than I thought!
Im not leaving…just feel like a failure and its hard to not feel like an idiot supporting others or offering advice when I am gaining weight over and over…not going anywhere tho
I was kind of stunned when you said you felt you’re not really serious about this! Of course you are! You are doing some really, really hard work right now, examining your feelings, your past, and learning why you behave the way you do. I honestly feel that that is the hardest part of this journey. Nobody gets as honest with themselves as you are unless they are very, very serious! You are so close to having it “click” for you! Just keep at it!
okay first off. no you are not leaving so pft no more talk of that. so you are rutting it right now. But that does not mean you are not serious. setbacks is what make us stronger and make us learn. so try to see the good As cliche as this may sound.
As for you feeling anger towards the thin women. Oh I was so there. I hated looking and seeing women who in my eyes had it all ( heck I only saw their outside but that for me was ALL)
i still am like that.But I get angry at myself for not looking better..
You are not alone in this though and I think you are just normal. hang in there sweetie pie.
Oh I miss your pretty face too
And are you ready to come camping with me. how old are your kids? I think we would have fun. where are we going/
I can really relate to this blog. I’m sort of holding on to the rope and dragging behind the wagon but I’m not completely letting go. It doesn’t sound like you are either. I truly understand feeling like you are the only fat person and feeling anger towards skinny woman. I know it’s not right, but it just sort of happens when I’m really down. I’m sending you big hugs and I hope we both keep hanging on.
Hmmmm…this sounds so much like me at times. It is hard. There is really nothing I can say that hasn’t been said already. Lending my support. Hugs.
Debbi, can I suggest something which has really helped me? Maybe seek out a therapist or a support group. You are hurting girl. I have been there and in alot of ways still am. I love you, k?