Self Deportation Off My Isle of Denial
Yep…I am escorting myself from my little island…the one I seem to love so well. Its so inviting and beautiful there…or is it? I am in denial so who knows…it may be eerie and dark there…Im in denial so I wouldn’t know. Why do I keep sailing back to this place??? I don’t know…haven’t been able to figure out the why’s…which for some reason seems so important to me…but right now the why’s need to be the least of my concerns…I need to get the heck off here…out of this safe haven of denial. I got on the scale again this morning…and no surprise, its up. How can it not be…strawberry shortcakes multiple times a week…McD’s, comfort casseroles with pastas and cheeses, cookies, cake…you name it…I ate it…ph and my big weakness CEREAL…lots and lots of cereal…all thru the day…from breakfast to bedtime…its sick really. I gotta tell you guys…I am really freaking out…I am so so scared and yet trying to trust God and His will for my life…its not easy. Im sad to give up my freedom of my own home and to be even further from J…I know…I still have issues with him too and the holding on to him…I know.
So Ive packed my bags…and Im standing on the dock…waiting for the crane to hoist my fat behind aboard and I am setting sail away from here. I don’t think this will be my last visit as much as I would like to say it is. I just pray if I do return, it wont be for a long time and it will be a weekend visit only.
Yesterday I had to take the kids out to Walmart. Got them each a pair of shorts ($7/ea) and a pair of capri’s (size 20-UGH) for me. I wasn’t going to do it…but I had to have one pair of cooler pants to wear. I played the part of the fat happy girl…put a smile on my face and acted like I was confident and happy…I HATED it! I felt like such a fake! Men look and I look away because SURELY they cant find me attractive. They just must be staring at the fat girl who could be pretty if she would only lose weight…what a shame.
I am thankful to you guys for the continued support throughout all my ups and downs…all of them. I hope you can help me off and away from this island with the right water currents and wind direction. I hope to give you the same. I still cant be on here much between the packing and my internet issues. Lots of work ahead of me today but should be back on tonight after dark if internet allows…before then if at all possible. Much love and HUGS to you!!
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love yourself, you are so worth it. would you be so hard on someone else? ease up on yourself!! you are a wonderful woman going through a truely rotten time. and who knows? maybe cutting yourself some slack may actually help with the eating?
as for having issues letting go… i have absolutely no good advice there. i wish i did- i could use it myself.
I loved the way you wrote this….
but, truly….we are here for you ups, downs, and in betweens. Don’t worry about that.
I don’t have any advive for you, just want to offer my support.
Beautiful blog Debbi. Even if you are not where you want to be, you realize that things/you need to change. Always here for you. If not on this site, you have my email. HUGS
what a beautiful way of putting things…but debbi…you can do this…hell is hard to let go…and very hard to do things on your own…but you can do it…i been there and i know it can be done…in a few years you will be laughing at this…you might not think sonow…but you will…it is kind of hard to imagine what the future will hold for us…and we never know what is going to happen as the years go by…but once we are a few years down the line from that type of ordeal…wow we can look back and think that those were blessings in diguise.i wish you all the best and hope that you can get to a stage in your life where everything is ok for you.
Debbi, I know u r not looking for pity. I am not trying to give it but I am in serious tears right now after reading this. I want so bad for this not to be happenign to you, for you to have what you want with J, with your family staying intact and for you to get the control back of your weightloss. I know you want this so bad and that this is just adding to your despair. Ur natural coping mechanisms for survival that are built in are what are at work and it is going to be hard to get past them. I know you can do you just have to get past the pain. It will take time but I am ROOTING for you and for YOUR happiness. Ur the sweetest and I want nothing but happiness and health for you. I am throwing you a lifeboat—I want u to grab it with all of your might.
OMG! I love this post! LIKE LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT! Damn girl, take me with you! LOL! I’m with you! Whenever you need it… I’m with you!
I am soooo with you! I got my bags pack too! We can do this. Much love woman, I do love this post!
Debbi, man, I am just SO sorry and wish you the very upmost best. (HUG)
Hey girl,
Bags are packed girl–I wanna ride with you, just grab us a beer and a cute sailor (hint, I like muscles) after we get on board ok. Love ya,
(((((((((((Debbi)))))))))))))))
A word from a friend, if the men are looking, smile back! Don’t put your thoughts in their heads. Get on the ship and sail Debbi, love yourself, there is so much more to you than the problem you have with weight, believe that.