Row Row Row My Boat, Gently Thru My Yard…Im so tired…cant stand myself…I feel like such a LARD!
That pretty much sums up where Im at…up to my eyeballs in rain and up on the scale yet again. I feel disgusting and disgusted to say the very least. Have you ever been so miserable and feel like a gross pile of fatty goo…and yet all you can think about other than how disgusting you feel, is what can I eat??? I feel sick…tired…drained…disappointed in myself…disgusted with my tight clothes and my rolls hanging over my jeans. And yet still…STILL…I want food. Its like I am eating and not knowing what it is I want. Crazier still…I keep buying and eating fruits too…but a ton more crap and fatty comfort food. My body feels the wear…I feel sickly…my breathing is heavier…Im nauseated…I am afraid I am killing myself…leading this heart to failure and yet I want food right now and Im not even hungry. What is wrong with a brain…a mind that thinks that way? Why am I treating myself like this? Do I hate myself so much? I love my family…and I am doing this to them too? I wish I could understand this…why don’t I care enough?
I GAINED 10 POUNDS THIS PAST WEEK…I am now up to 234…up 10 in one week. Yes TOM has been here…so freaking what! That 10 pounds had only my name all over it. I can not continue to make excuses for myself…my life situations. I am only making it worse. I was doing so well a few months back…and starting to feel pretty good health wise and even better about me. Now I feel like crap and look like crap…all my clothes are too tight and I can not fit into my shorts or capri’s.I cant keep whining about this…I have to change it now. Put up or shut up.
Im on this journey to learn and get real with myself and be as honest as I can about what I have done. This is not easy…not at all…to share my failure this past week and these past months is very difficult…but it is the truth…I have to be truthful. I am ashamed but here it is…layed out for me…for you in hopes it can either let you know you are not alone or steer you away from my kind of behavior.This week will be much thinking about why I treat myself so poorly…and trying with all my might to change it.
Much love to you all…I miss you guys. Its been busy with packing and sorting through closets. Its hard to come on here because then I want to stay on and don’t get anything done. Please know I think about you and your struggles.
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i’ve been in that “I’m a tub of lard” mood all week. Do Not Let It Stick to You! You have made such great progress, and if you’ve been eating fatty foods on top of foods, oh well. Tomorrow is another day. Heck, the next hour after this one is another hour. You can make today your tomorrow by stopping the binging now and moving on. Remember to take pride in what you’ve accomplished and what you will continue to accomplish. If you eat ten chips and resist two, praise yourself for the two you did not eat. In moments like this what is important is not punishing yourself but loving yourself. The good eating habits and will to exercise will come only when you love and take pride in yourself. good luck
So I totally know what you mean. Why do we self sabbotage ourselves? I have no idea. People have lots of addictions, drugs, alchohol, sex, and yes even food. I am soo addicted to food. I feel like the same way drug addics get over their dependency, that is what we have to do also. We have to put ourselves through food rehab or detox. That’s why it’s so great to have the support of friends and loved ones. Because most of us cannot do it on our own. I know I can’t! I don’t exercise much at all, I need to get my stuff together and start. I have learned that I need to avert my attention in other directions when I think about food. Mostly reading helps me, when I read I get lost in my book and rarely come up for air.
Don’t let a bad week bring you down. We all have bad weeks and moments of weakness. And we all have eachother to vent and help. Stay strong girly, you can beat this!
Here is what I have done in the past when I go out to sabotage myself. First, I know Im doing it, secondly I say I dont care and I go out anyways.
When I get to the store and I go to get the sabotage item or items, this is what I do… I look at them, look around, and think “Do I really want them? Remember how they make you feel. Do I really want to feel that way after I eat them?”.
Of course the answer is no and I get sick to my stomach by just looking at them. Its a mental game, take it out on the food that has caused you problems!
Debbi—thinking of you momma. I wish there was something we could do to make u feel better. I know I have been in that position where I know I dont want the food, I know I am not hungry but I eat and eat and eat it anyways (this is how I lived until November). I would feel such loathing and guilt while eating because I knew I wasnt hungry. I had no control because my misery drove me to it. there is no easy way out of your situation. U r going through SO much. It is really as if someone, or thing has died and you are grieving. It is so hard to focus on something like weightloss when one is grieving. If I were there, I would give u the biggest hug. a few of ‘em
Ah Debbi, I can so relate, I wish I had answers, if I did I could be so rich, something easy that worked! Here is what I have been trying to do, remember I am lazy abaout keeping records and exercising, so I try to be super aware of what I am eating and ask myself do you really want this, if I find myself just mindlessly putting food in my mouth, I stop and throw it away. Now you know that is a major sin, you just don’throw perfectly good food out! What do you do with it, you EAT it, of course. I wish we could just open up our heads and pour out all the old stuff and fill it back up with good. Hang in, your life has been a mess lately and it can get you down, hang on and take care of yourself. Love and lots of BIG hugs from Oklahoma.
Ok you have been going through hell and back lately….what is giving you comfort is eating. Deb I have been there. I spent the entire year last year binge eating then binge dieting…gain and lose gain and lose. I added it all up this spring and I lost and gained 104 pounds total over the course of a year…I ended the year 1 pound lighter then when I started here at buddyslim. That was a wake up call for me…I had no idea until I looked back at my ticker what I had been doing to myself.
I would hide in my car not even 3 months ago and eat 6 donuts at a shot…then have lunch at some fast food joint…and what ever the hell I wanted for dinner. I did not think I could overcome my cravings. I know that is how you feel now. It is so hard to focus on ones self when everything around you is falling apart. Sweetie take it one meal at a time one snack at a time one exercise at a time. You too will turn that corner when you are ready. We all have periods where we sink to the bottom the key is picking ourselves back up.
I know you would not have written this blog if you did not want to be picked back up. We are all here to help you push forward. I read what you wrote on the forum don’t you even think about leaving the team. I told you when you first started we are much more then just a weight loss competition related team…don’t you dare shut down and leave. You are tougher then that look at all you have handeled so far. Big hugs we are here for you to help pull you through!
Sometimes you have to hit “Rock Bottom” in order to change. Love yourself, you are worth it.
I feel that way a lot lately. I gained 5 pounds this past week, on top of gains the previous weeks, and none of my clothes fit. I am completely to blame yet even as I am thinking “I am such a hog”, I am craving a Coke and a candy bar! I wonder myself if there is something loose in my head! I agree with modelmom, sometimes hitting rock bottom is what it takes to start moving again.
Debbi,
You know what, we slip and fall–we make mistakes ok. Thats natural-we are human with all the faults and blessings that go with it.
On my “good” week (last week)–scale showed a 6 lb gain, then I had a day where I ate and ate. Then, the scale showed me some more love with 4 lb added for the same 10 lbs like you showed. I worked my butt off so I could get back down to 246 (1 lb loss for the week cause I didnt reset my tracker to show the full ten pounds). What I’m facing is different then what your facing–still, lots of troubles and heartache huh girl. I have spent the last few months doing this-losing that same weight over and over. Yes, I also get disgusted with myself–angry and just hopeless at times too. However, I still have to say i’m proud of you girl–why? Because you have not given up! I wont either. This is so damn hard sometimes. We have given -or trying to give up -the one thing we have been turning to for so long (20 years in my case). So, if you slip now and then, or I slip–take a deep breath and pick yourself back up.
Now, Jen said something about a message you posted in the forum about you leaving. NO–ok. Just NO. Unless your wanting to leave for a break or whatever-ok. But, if you leave cause your not losing weight or something–dont you dare leave. We need you there for much more then a number on the scale. We love you girl and I think you still need us a bit? I’ll check that out after I leave here.
See, you got me writing a blog instead of a comment lol.
I think so many of us right now are going through hell–financially, relationships and so on. However, I know we still face the choice of doing ok or just bailing out. Throwing a rope–you grab it and hold on tight til you feel like you can do better without it. Send me a message girl anytime you feel yourself slipping. We CAN do this, we have it in us to be stronger then we give ourselves credit for.
Love ya girl..
I so feel what you’re going through. I hit that bottom myself just before joing buddyslim back in October of 2008. I had lost 66 pounds, then gained about 25 pounds of that back. I’m also diabetic on top of that. I was not eating right, my blood sugar was out of control. My doctor put me on an insulin pump in October, which was a wake up call for me. Now I’ve lost the weight that I had gained back plus a few more. I’ve lost a total of 74 and a half pounds. Half a pound more and I will be at my halfway mark.
You can like this bugger, Debbie. Just take it one meal, one snack, one exercise routine at a time. Like an alcoholic, we take it one day at a time. We are addicted to food, but unlike alcohol we cannot live without the thing that we are addicted too.
Just remember, I believe in you, and it looks like a lot of people here believe in you too. All you’ve got to do is look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I AM WORTH IT!” because you are, baby!
I have been there too. McDonalds was my hang up. I’d go through there out of habit. It started with one double cheeseburger, then it was two, and always with a large coke. I just decided one day that I HAD to stop. I did. Girl, you are sooooo worth it. Love yourself, not the food.
Hey Hun, I thought this might help for you to hear; “We have all been there.” I totally understand where you are right now. The best advice I can give is to let go of all the negatives. If you keep getting down on yourself you will never be able to see through to the positives. At least you are recognizing and taking ownership of your the mistakes you make. That is a million light years ahead of some of the other people out there. You just need to look at all the good things you have done and stay positive. You can do it! I have faith in you. Best of luck and if you ever need to talk to someone who has been there feel free to add me as a friend:).
Debbi. I have felt that way. I used to wonder if it would ever stop. But I had to stop beating myself up, and realize I was not helpless to stop the food train. I have read your blogs, you are a strong woman. Look at all you have been thru. You can do this too. And this if for YOU, and you deserve it. (((((((((((Debbi))))))))))
Hey Debbi, I gain 8 lbs when TOM is here, remember? Don’t beat yourself up too much. We are all thinking of you and hoping you/the kids are ok.