Comments(11) Wanted to give a quick HI! Missing BS and all of you very much. I am not sure at this point how much internet access I will have but will be on when I am settled and have the ability to do so. Thinking of you all…sending much love and hugs your way!
Comments(5) …looks like the full move will be Tuesday or Wednesday. It freaked me out a bit yesterday…I ended up eating quite a bit after seeing the scale go down some earlier. I went into panic/freeze mode. Finally pulled together by yesterday evening.
Just wanted to let you know I wont be on here much…if at all until I am moved and settled in. I set up a Twitter account and will try to update that if any one wants to know anything that’s going on…Im mdbutterfly65. I also will try to do a quick update on Facebook…anyone interested can message me for my info on that.
I miss you all terribly…I feel like Im not knowing what is going on with my family…I hope you are all doing great and healthy. Love ya BUNCHES! Miss you!!!
Gotta scoot…going crazy 
Comments(11) Im going to try asking myself that question before eating along with…Am I REALLY hungry??? I know I am surrounded by chaos right now but my nightmare from a little while back is coming true. Whats that saying…What you fear, you create…or something like that. Ive got to stop the madness. There is no reason I should not be able to lose weight right now…especially with all the “moving exercise” Im getting. Its all emotional eating…I know it. But my freaking out and trying to calm myself with food is only making it worse for me. So, I will try to ask these questions prior to eating…hopefully even prior to the food prep itself. I think I will post these questions on the fridge and pantry as well.
Yesterday was difficult emotionally…but I guess just part of moving through this…part of acceptance. Packed up more photos…tried to divide a few and packed away our wedding photos. Today I have to deal with our late 08 tax returns…current post office for cert. letter and change of address stuff…depositing the last of money to try to keep the car (the one I don’t want)…setting up a PO Box where I am moving…setting up a new bank account (my very own)…and more packing.
I really am sorry and sad to not be on here much. I want to support you guys the best I can. You have done so much for me. I hope you have a successful day…a successful week for that matter. Lets do the best we can…no matter how small it may seem in the big picture…it all matters. Much love to you!
Comments(9) …being fat and older and moving sucks more! From a pinched nerve in my neck to sore arms…a hurting lower back…knees…feet…and covered in bruises. My body is killing me…and I know the biggest part of that is my being over weight…obese. I just wanted to cry at points cause it was just painful…and Ive done it to myself. Pretty sad too that Im not capable of more before I just want to collapse like a 100 year old woman or something. It was another eye opener. Of course my stubborn is the only thing that kept me going. I had thoughts of just leaving all this crap…of it not being worth it because I just didn’t want to do anymore…and this isn’t even the move yet! Oh and I think Im getting arthritis??? My hands…fingers have really been hurting the last several weeks to a month.
Well, I recovered from my mid-week gain but no loss for the week because of it. I feel more on track even tho I am no where near where I need to be. Im at least heading in the right direction. I have left my Isle of Denial but seem caught up in the breaking waves…have not quite broken through them yet.
I keep thinking Im going to get walks in…Im just too spent from all this packing…moving boxes…up and down steps. I just need to focus on better food choices…eating when hungry…stopping when full an getting more water in. I keep drinking tea (unsweetened) all day. I love my water but just have not been.
My daughter just put one of those Icy Hot patches on my neck…I got goose bumps at first and now its BURNING like CrAzY!!! HOLY MOLY! I don’t know if I can handle this…my instinct is to pull that puppy off…don’t know if it will ease up…man, Im a big sissy or it really burns…Haha!
OK…gotta scoot. I slept in til 10:30ish and just finished breakfast (wheat bran flakes and strawberries). Got much to do again today but should be able to check in more if satellite allows it. Have a WONDERFUL Saturday buddies!!
Comments(8) Cant believe its Friday already…this week has gone fast and I feel I have accomplished so little. Im still struggling with the food and the desire to eat non-stop bur it is better than before. Cereal is such a big problem right now…even if its Rice Krispies and fresh strawberries…I just want more more more.
Yesterday was spent mostly out in the garage…it was warm and very humid. Everything paper in the house is warping and the carpet seems wet. Even the toilet seat felt damp…I did a jump up cause I thought one of the boys left me a tinkle surprise on the seat…it was just the condensation.
Today will be packing up toy items and the storage closet full of mainly Christmas and Fall decorations…then possibly on to start the kitchen. Next weekend starts the move and then the final move the following. Its come so fast…and yet its been so long.
Did well with breakfast so far today…puffed wheat (the plain, unsweetened kind) with fresh strawberries…no sugar…it was yummy. I had to keep from going back for multiple bowls. We seem to be devouring the strawberries lately…so so good!
Well, here are the before and after pics of Chloe. I had mentioned in a previous blog she went for a hair cut and had to get pretty much shaved because of ticks and the beginnings of fleas. She has been shaved twice before and the first time was due to an injury. She acts like a girl who got a bad hair cut…seriously. She gets ashamed and turns from you (even in the car). She puts her face to a corner or wall and when you try to coax her out and tell her shes pretty she doesn’t budge. Last time J stopped at Sheetz and got her a hotdog before she would come around. She really gets pissed. A friend who went with J the last time didn’t believe it until he saw her do it. This time it wasn’t as bad…but you can tell she feels naaaaaaked! We just keep telling her shes so pretty…LOL! They even gave her a pink bandanna…too cool!
As girly as she is about the hair cuts…she is such a Tomboy…she loves to dig the dirt…roll around in the gravel… traipse thru the tall grass and weeds (where all the burs and hitchhiker thingies are)…she loves water (unless its a bath). When the hose comes out shes there. She chomps up the stream of water…biting it…such a funny sound. Oh and her favorite is the chasing the flashlight. It sucks when you really need to see in the dark because she thinks its play time. So I guess Im going on about her like a child 
Have a great weekend buddies…missing you very much…wish I could be on here non-stop. I need it so bad.
Comments(7) (with 4 kids, I guess Dr. Suess will always be in my head…not to mention I loved his books growing up.)
My T’s for yesterday were: Terrible Thunderstorms, Tension Headaches, Tired, Tears, Trying & Three Little Birds.
Tears…yesterday was a little bit of an emotional roller coaster…tears kept creeping up on me with waves of sadness…but I didn’t stay there…pushed on.
Tension headaches came…maybe from the emotional…maybe from fighting food urges. Trying…doing better…not great but better. Stopping myself from going where I want to with food but still eating more than I should.
Tired…Oh yeah, tired. Cant go to sleep…don’t sleep well when I do (birds started singing at 4:38 this morning…Hello!).
Terrible T-storms…WOW! When it hit last night…the first lightening strike was so close I thought it hit the house…the thunder clap was soooo loud it hurt and I screamed and scared the kids…ooops! We were all standing in the dining room talking about playing cards and it struck right out back…I really did think it hit the house for a few moments. I shut everything down that I could electrical wise. Afraid we would have a surge and lose the computer or tv equipment. We had to close up all the windows because it just poured. Every time a storm would pass, we would open windows and so help me another would come from another direction…then I started fearing tornados. Finally opened up for good around 9 pm…still had rain but not crazy. Expecting more severe storms this afternoon and more flooding.
Three Little Birds…this song (Bob Marley) kept going thru my head…Im going to leave it there to loop around my brain. I love to hear him sing it but found this video and like it too…especially the friendship factor…it reminds me of your friendship and how you lift me up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cmffLlkwxc
“Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”
Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (”This is my message to you-ou-ou:”)
Singin’: “Don’t worry ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
Singin’: “Don’t worry (don’t worry) ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”
Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, “This is my message to you-ou-ou:”
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don’t worry!”
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing” - I won’t worry!
“‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right” - I won’t worry!
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
Singin’: “Don’t worry about a thing, oh no!
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!
Another busy day…more of the same, packing, sorting, standing frozen staring at things trying to figure out what to do with them…yea, fun.
Will continue to do better each day…little by little if not more…baby steps. Hope you all are doing well…my thoughts are with you. Glad a couple of you are joining me in my deportation and sailing off with me to better places. Much love to all!!
Comments(11) 
Yep…I am escorting myself from my little island…the one I seem to love so well. Its so inviting and beautiful there…or is it? I am in denial so who knows…it may be eerie and dark there…Im in denial so I wouldn’t know. Why do I keep sailing back to this place??? I don’t know…haven’t been able to figure out the why’s…which for some reason seems so important to me…but right now the why’s need to be the least of my concerns…I need to get the heck off here…out of this safe haven of denial. I got on the scale again this morning…and no surprise, its up. How can it not be…strawberry shortcakes multiple times a week…McD’s, comfort casseroles with pastas and cheeses, cookies, cake…you name it…I ate it…ph and my big weakness CEREAL…lots and lots of cereal…all thru the day…from breakfast to bedtime…its sick really. I gotta tell you guys…I am really freaking out…I am so so scared and yet trying to trust God and His will for my life…its not easy. Im sad to give up my freedom of my own home and to be even further from J…I know…I still have issues with him too and the holding on to him…I know.
So Ive packed my bags…and Im standing on the dock…waiting for the crane to hoist my fat behind aboard and I am setting sail away from here. I don’t think this will be my last visit as much as I would like to say it is. I just pray if I do return, it wont be for a long time and it will be a weekend visit only.
Yesterday I had to take the kids out to Walmart. Got them each a pair of shorts ($7/ea) and a pair of capri’s (size 20-UGH) for me. I wasn’t going to do it…but I had to have one pair of cooler pants to wear. I played the part of the fat happy girl…put a smile on my face and acted like I was confident and happy…I HATED it! I felt like such a fake! Men look and I look away because SURELY they cant find me attractive. They just must be staring at the fat girl who could be pretty if she would only lose weight…what a shame.
I am thankful to you guys for the continued support throughout all my ups and downs…all of them. I hope you can help me off and away from this island with the right water currents and wind direction. I hope to give you the same. I still cant be on here much between the packing and my internet issues. Lots of work ahead of me today but should be back on tonight after dark if internet allows…before then if at all possible. Much love and HUGS to you!!
Comments(12) …like I am on some sort of crazed feeding frenzy…out of control. I feel like I cant get enough and I am always on the prowl for more food. I have hit this place before…more than once. Im not sure why it happens…only that I come out on the other end weighing much more and confused and dazed as to exactly what happened. I just have this overwhelming need…want…urge…to feed. I feel very out of control. Not making excuses because ultimately it comes down to my choices…Im just trying to express what Im feeling in some desperate attempt to understand the why’s of it and stop this craziness. There are times I truly baffle myself…and this is probably in the top 5 on my list. I do notice I am feeling a bit more pissy today…angry…maybe at myself and what Im doing or maybe at my situation…Im not sure, but bottom line is it is surely no excuse.
I want to thank all of you for your loving words and support. I know only you guys can really understand some of the things I feel and some of the things I do…you can relate and I guess I just need to know that I am not the only one that doesn’t get myself sometimes. A couple months ago I was feeling pretty good about myself…my health…my body. Now I feel so unhealthy and disgusting…I just don’t understand why I would keep doing this to myself. I guess before I gain any more of the weight back, I need to stop worrying about the why’s so much and just get real enough to stop the nonsense. There is so much uncertainty and so much chaos around me right now…I just feel completely out of control…AHA!!!!! Maybe…just maybe that is part of this nonsense right now…I like to be in control…at least semi in control. Right now everything is coming out of its place and boxes of mess around me…things I don’t know how to pack up for storage…my home going to probably 3 different location to store it…CHAOS! Just maybe that’s it…now how do I remedy the situation…remedy myself. I need to come to a place of acceptance with this and something I can live with for a while. Any ideas??????
Alrighty…my 17 y/o son spent the weekend with me for some Mom/Son time. It felt nice that he wanted to be with me for a change. We had planned on a hike up one of the Catoctin Trails but after all the rain we had it just wasn’t an option. Saturday was absolutely gorgeous so we took a drive up to a place called High Rock…about 30 minutes from here. It was just beautiful with the exception of the graffiti on the rocks. Here’s some pics…
Sunday everyone was here for several hours. J brought the tractor down and the boys cut the grass and trimmed while J and I went through office stuff (which is now sitting in my kitchen and dining room). We had a family lunch together…grilled some kielbasa. We also spent some more time talking. This is so scary…
Oh and Chloe had a grooming appointment on Saturday morning. She is an Australian Shepherd and gets so thick and shaggy. We were going to get her cut short but as they were cutting found quite a few ticks so we went REAL short…poor baby. She gets almost ashamed when she gets cut…I’ll have to post a pic later…but she’s embarrassed of her nakedness
OK…Ive gone on too long. I miss you guys so so much. Im going to try to catch up a bit but I have so much to do…and once I get on here…I don’t want to get off. I love you and THANK YOU so very very much!!!
Comments(15) That pretty much sums up where Im at…up to my eyeballs in rain and up on the scale yet again. I feel disgusting and disgusted to say the very least. Have you ever been so miserable and feel like a gross pile of fatty goo…and yet all you can think about other than how disgusting you feel, is what can I eat??? I feel sick…tired…drained…disappointed in myself…disgusted with my tight clothes and my rolls hanging over my jeans. And yet still…STILL…I want food. Its like I am eating and not knowing what it is I want. Crazier still…I keep buying and eating fruits too…but a ton more crap and fatty comfort food. My body feels the wear…I feel sickly…my breathing is heavier…Im nauseated…I am afraid I am killing myself…leading this heart to failure and yet I want food right now and Im not even hungry. What is wrong with a brain…a mind that thinks that way? Why am I treating myself like this? Do I hate myself so much? I love my family…and I am doing this to them too? I wish I could understand this…why don’t I care enough?
I GAINED 10 POUNDS THIS PAST WEEK…I am now up to 234…up 10 in one week. Yes TOM has been here…so freaking what! That 10 pounds had only my name all over it. I can not continue to make excuses for myself…my life situations. I am only making it worse. I was doing so well a few months back…and starting to feel pretty good health wise and even better about me. Now I feel like crap and look like crap…all my clothes are too tight and I can not fit into my shorts or capri’s.I cant keep whining about this…I have to change it now. Put up or shut up.
Im on this journey to learn and get real with myself and be as honest as I can about what I have done. This is not easy…not at all…to share my failure this past week and these past months is very difficult…but it is the truth…I have to be truthful. I am ashamed but here it is…layed out for me…for you in hopes it can either let you know you are not alone or steer you away from my kind of behavior.This week will be much thinking about why I treat myself so poorly…and trying with all my might to change it.
Much love to you all…I miss you guys. Its been busy with packing and sorting through closets. Its hard to come on here because then I want to stay on and don’t get anything done. Please know I think about you and your struggles.
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