Rolling Up My Sleeves…Shovel in Hand…Time To Get Rid Of The CRAP in My Life
I have already cried my heart out this morning. How long does it take until you accept a failed marriage? For me so far…almost 3 years. Saw J this morning…I always end up broken. I so badly wanted to heal this…but I cant…his choice…not mine. I have been working on accepting that…I have made progress…but it is just so difficult…he was worth it all to me…
Back in January I wrote a blog about sometimes having to go through the crap to get where were going. Since February I have just been spinning my wheels in the big manure pile called my life and flinging it everywhere…making a mess. With the foreclosure on my home and the confirmation again from J that he does not want the marriage…it is time to start shoveling my way out of this…MAJOR cleanup!
I have 6 weeks left here at my house. I have nowhere to store most of the contents and it looks like it gonna be a yard sale to get rid of it. I don’t do yard sales very well…especially when its breaking down my life for the last 25 years and having people bargain me down. I have no choice. The realtor is coming Thursday to take pics…just for the banks purpose of establishing worth and cost of any repairs I suppose. Then Im planning on being out of here in 5 weeks (after kids are out of school) and having a week to come back in and scrub it real good.
I have to strengthen myself for the upcoming weeks and begin to prepare the kids more…this family is coming apart…separating siblings because of J’s choice…I am angry about that most of all. I know my oldest son will most likely be staying with J which means he will most likely be moving to WV. I cant let my others go…Im going to have to be the bad guy and make them stay with me, even if its not what they want. They have been able to go back and forth very easily until now…TEARS…Im telling you…I am so very broken. I am fighting with all I have guys. After the feeling that I was going to puke passed…I wanted to eat…big surprise! I had a bowl of Kashi shredded squares…probably more than 1 serving but stopped there. I can not let this give me reason…excuse to gain more…and yes…I am up again damnit! I cut up a big watermelon and 2 cantaloupes last night…in the fridge ready…
THIS HAS TO STOP! I have to get busy…sorting through my home…stirring up freaking memories. Part of me wants him here to deal with it too but it just hurts too much to be around him…too too much! So I am left to clean up the mess of our lives…sort through OUR stuff…dealing with it alone like I did through the better part of our marriage.
OK…enough…I have to get shoveling…I cannot quit on my kids…on me. I have to keep going…for them…and I hope one day I will believe I am worth it too.
Im not looking for pity…I have to get this out or I fear losing it completely…I want to shut down…but I will not…I will not. My life is going to be worth something…its going to have mattered. I need to be accountable for my actions…I need to make the best choices I can…I need to forgive myself quickly when I fall…and get right back up and moving forward.
Asking for a little help for the moment on being accountable…I feel very weak right now…and I know I am more likely to behave if I am accountable to you than just myself.
I need to end this now and get busy. I am going to read blogs…looking to support and hopefully for strength in reading about your accomplishments. I will then make my plan of attack for the day and get busy…shoveling the mental crap while I go through this house doing what needs to be done.
If you made it this far…thank you…Im sorry its so long…it kept me from eating more tho…so thank you for letting me feel safe to vent here…thank you for always being there to pull me up…thank you…
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Well, getting it out is a good start. I am divorced too, though I only have one child. Of course your marriage mattered and was worth something….beautiful children! Hang in there. I know it is rough, but you can DO it! (((hugs)))
Debbi—I am SO proud of you, so VERY proud of you. Do you realize JUST how strong you are?!?!?! What you are going through is tough: your divorce, the house and business going under, J moving and taking your son with him—even the strongest person would be struggling to stay afloat in these waters. I am so glad you come here to get ot out and gain support. You are WORTH happiness and you have SOOO much worth and your ,life does MEAN something to SO SO SO many. With all of the stress you are under, I can see how it is hard to focus on your weight right now, especially with all of those stress hormones cementing the fat to your tummy with all of that cortisol! Deep breathes sweetheart—and take it ONE day at a time
~~~Thinking of you so much—Becky
You are making plans and thats a good thing! I am glad to see you are taking this on, head first. You will slowly get your life back in order and the dieting part will follow. You’ve been thru so much, still going thru so much. Please dont be hard on yourself!!
((((Debbi)))) You are making a great start by staying positive for you and your kids sakes. I know it sounds hokey, but when one door shuts, another opens….This could be the best re-start for you and your kids. If He doesn’t want it to work, don’t waste your good energy. Put it where it needs to be….you and the kids. You will be ok.
(((many hugs and positive vibes coming your way hon!!)))))
Hey Debbi…. you’re at the beginning of what has been and will be for a good while yet, a tough road to recovery. For today, from this moment on for the rest of today, focus on staying on track. Make healthy choices for today… even write a blog with your committments to yourself for just today, and that way, you’ll have told us about them and you’ll feel more inclined to stick with them.
I cant imagine what you’re going through right now. But when things get tough, get on here and blog about it if you can. Just telling someone about it may help a bit and help keep you on plan.
Girl,
How I wished you and I lived closer together. I would love to be there to help you through all this–not so much as a helping hand but to try to put a smile on your face now and then. Sometimes, to even hold you when you need to cry. Debbi, I know without a doubt that it doesnt feel like your strong. But, you are girl. In that heart of yours, under some of that pain, beats the heart of a figher. How do I know–because your a mom & a woman. A mom (women) knows sometimes things just have to be done regardless of how we feel about them. So, what happens–we push beyond our pain and take care of things. Sometimes we feel like we are not very successful–but then,maybe we need to redefine success to something as simple as getting it done and making it through.
Your gonna find a few minutes to take a walk right?
Need anything girl–just send me a note. Love ya
ohhh that thing!! It stole my comment!! growls at it lol
debbie, you are amazing to me. i was with my boyfriend- only boyfriend- for less than three years and i know how i feel… i can’t even imagine the strength it is taking you to stay so positive and keep moving. this is, i am sure, incredably difficult, but you will make it through and you will be happy. hugs, you. hang in there and you know people are here whenever you need
See…you can lift my heart…thank you for the love and support…all of you…it means the world.
Blaithin…great idea and Im going to do just that. I am a planner…a list maker so this is probably exactly what I need to do. Going to sit down with a calendar and make a list…also a list of commitments to myself each day…youre right, posting them here will keep me more grounded. Thank you!
((((((((((((((DEBBIE))))))))))))))))))
You are loved pure and simple. You have a rough journey ahead HOWEVER YOU ARE NOT ALONE.