readytoemerge

***WARNING-Personal Venting***
Yesterday was a long day of fighting with this computer virus…Trojan Horse…sitting in front of the computer scanning and rescanning…clicking the virus boxes away that kept popping up and stopping or slowing the progress of the scan. I found a free program AVG…but it may still be too late. It seems to finds the virus…which is in multiple locations…and when you click to get rid of it, I get a message that not all viruses can be “healed”. I have managed at least for now to keep the constant boxes from popping open but I know its still in there. I am running another scan as Im typing this on a word doc and will hopefully be able to log on.
I went to bed at about 11:15 and watched a little tv to help distract my brain…got sleepy a little before 12 and shut off the tv. As I was drifting off…a loud knock on the door and the door bell rang. At first I thought I was dreaming…then I heard my daughter, who was still up watching tv. Yep…someone was at the door… at 12:05 freakin AM! So I grabbed my robe and went to the kitchen window that faces out to the side door (the one everyone uses). Some guy was standing there with a clipboard and I figured, oh great…he probably has some papers to serve and I have to sign. Ive been thru that…opening my door in the late night to some strange man. So this time I just opened the window…he said he was here to get my car…DAMN! In the middle of the night??? I said, Im sorry but no. If you come back first thing in the AM I will be here and get it out of the garage, nut that I was not going to open the door up in the middle of the night to a stranger. HE gave me his cell number…said if it was a voluntary handover that would be better and to call him after I cleaned it out…also he kept apologizing. OK…so back to bed but now Im wide awake. I put the tv back on to try to wind down again. 12:45…a friggin door bell ringing and knocking…again. He’s back but with his scrawny boss I suppose who has Napoleon syndrome. Felt like he had to be mister tough guy and talked down to me and said he was going to call the police for possession of stolen property! I broke…that was it…I got dressed…went out and cleared the few thing left in my car. See, I knew I would have to turn it over, but I didn’t think it happened like this in a bankruptcy. I called him a few choice names…he thanked me for calling him an Ass! Arrogant jerk! I was shaking and crying so hard…unfortunately, my daughter was there to see it. My 14 y/o was sleeping, thank God. My daughter gave me a hug and then I just cried by myself for a while. I knew it would happen but HOW it happened was not necessary. Not to mention, it just really reminded me how vulnerable I feel being on my own. When I tried to stand up for myself, the guy called me out on it and I broke. How am I going to protect my family? Again…thanks Jeff! Thanks for what you’ve done. And once again…I am left ALONE to deal with the mess. Think I fell asleep somewhere close to 4. After getting my son on the bus this morning (and having to break the news to him) I went back to bed for a couple hours. I am dead tired…drained.
True story…he and the repo guy on all the trucks…are friends now. The repo guy is supposed to be taking him skydiving. That’s how things work for him.
Yes…I am venting…I am angry…and right now feeling very bitter. I am sick to my stomach and feel like Im going to be sick. I know that will pass and the urge to eat will come full force…Honestly…I don’t even feel like fighting anything right now. This had been a hellish week.
Today I have to see if I can get the emissions test done on J’s car…then I get to drive around in the car he and his girlfriend did…pissy??? Me??? Uh, yeah!
I know if you’ve read this…it sucks to keep reading angry or sad blog. I keep trying to make the best of things…but how much more can I take and truly not break? I keep thinking I will just back off of here for a bit until I can get it together a bit and have more happiness…but I don’t want to be without you guys. I think if I wasn’t on here I really would have gained every bit back PLUS a lot more. I need you guys and BS. So, if you need to back away from my downer crap…I truly understand. I don’t want to be the negative, unhappy person I seem to be right now.
Don’t know how much I will be on in the next couple days…or if my computer will even continue to keep going. Ive got a lot of packing to do and things to figure out…this week has distracted my so badly. I will try to get on when I can to read blogs…I hate not being on here to read your blogs. Just know I love ya and am supporting you in spirit if nothing else.
My apologies if you read this thing…and thank you for loving this screwed up girl! HUGS to you all!!

No Joke! Im getting PO’d just trying to type this and get it posted. Dont know what will happen with it but if I disappear before I get it fixed you will know why.
Quick update…kids are doing better and off to school today. Rain has stopped for the moment…yay! J got me some money and is supposed to get me more in a couple days.
I am now a member of the Fitness Fanatics and SUPER happy and ready to get busy!
Have stooopid virus messages popping up every 30 seconds to a minute and it interrupts my tying every time. Going to stop now before I throw my computer out the door
Hope to be able to read and check in…

Yep…me. Partying hard the last couple days. I was the guest for a Surprise party. And you will never guess who threw it for me! I did! It was a surprise attack pity party…complete with lemon cake! **insert sarcasm** GO DEB!
Sitting there at the end of a day full of eating (mostly bowls of cereal I might add) with a plate of lemon cake and a fork, I was surrounded by me and my little pity mini me’s. (We wore hats). It was pathetic…probably one of the best pity parties Ive thrown. Maybe the fact that it seemed to come after such a successful week was what caught me off guard the most. Honestly tho…in hindsight…I could feel it coming…it was building up and if I listened hard enough would have heard the Jaws theme music playing.
Without going into major detail…Im just feeling overwhelmed again. My kids have been sick off and on for almost a month now…no time to be alone in my thoughts…to get my plan of action in gear (I am easily distracted). Ive been nursing my foot…something weird going on like a muscle tearing or something but cant afford the Doc…Yet I had to take my 14 y/o to the Doc yesterday and between the doc visit and the meds spent $120, not including gas. Now my 12 y/o is home and I need to get him the $45 med which is generic btw! Don’t get me wrong…I will always take care of my kids…didn’t complain to them. Im digging into whats left for grocery and electric for this last month. I am also stirring more and more anger issues over this divorce…old memories, broken dreams…blah blah blah! So I found myself at my own surprise pity party/mini meltdown.
NOW…New Day…Deep Breath…today is a new day…I am trying to start it off right. I had wheat bran flakes and banana for breakfast. The hard part will be to carry this through the rest of the day.
I did my bi-weekly weigh in and somehow managed to go down another pound…don’t know how. It just most likely has not caught up yet. But I am hoping to undo the damage and lose a bit more before next weigh in.
Time to catch up with you guys…in between medicating my boys.
Love’s ya!!

I just totaled my calories for yesterday…had a cook-out at my parents. I tried to account for every nibble even if it was baby carrots or fresh fruit. I also try to over estimate any guesses rather than under. My total for yesterday was 3032 cals! Woooo! I did get in fruits and veggies but wow! I am good with it. I enjoyed my day and didn’t stuff myself so now today is back to a more focused day of eating…not all the nibbles.

The last couple days have been busy and for whatever reason my internet seems to flake on me by afternoon til sundown…its weird. Im going to post my food journal for Saturday and Sunday. On SP the listing can get pretty long because it lists items seperatly even if you entered a food grouping (like I did for banana muffins). It wants to list out every item instead of combining them…so I will try to abbreviate it. Its for me…it really has helped with being more accountable so I will continue for a while longer to list it. I will also keep my weigh in to twice a week for now also…again, its helping with being accountable and has not turned into deciding my mood yet, so I will continue as I have. Bottom line for last week was I lost a total of 6 pounds and my daily average intake was about 1800 calories. I will keep trying this and see how this week goes.

Saturday May 23
BREAKFAST:
2 Banana muffins (homemade)
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 454

LUNCH:
1 Banana muffin 227
Milk, 1%, 1 cup 102
Wheat Bran Flakes 2 c. 180
LUNCH TOTALS: 509

DINNER:
Arnold Select Rye Sandwich Thins, 1 serving 100
Chicken Salad 190
Tostitos Creamy Spinich Dip, 2 tbsp 50
Rold Gold Tiny Twist Pretzels (1 oz bag), 1 serving 110
DINNER TOTALS: 450

SNACK:
Cheese sauce, Tostitos Salsa Con Queso, 1 tbsp 20
Tortilla Chips, 0.5 oz 71
Watermelon, 2 cup, balls 99
Banana Muffin 227
SNACK TOTALS: 416
CALORIES 1829

Sunday May 24
BREAKFAST:
Kashi Organic Promise Autumn Wheat cereal, 2 cup 380
Milk, 1%, 1 cup 102
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 482

LUNCH:
Arnold Select Rye Sandwich Thins, 1 serving 100
Chicken Salad 152
2 Banana Muffins 453
LUNCH TOTALS: 705

DINNER:
Ground beef, lean, 4.5 oz 337
Bread, reduced-calorie, wheat, 2 oz 112
Ketchup, Yellow Mustard, Tomato slice thick, Onion, Pickle, Mayo 85
Tostitos Creamy Spinich Dip, 2 tbsp 50
Rold Gold Tiny Twist Pretzels (1 oz bag), 1 serving 110
Baked beans, home made, 0.75 cup 287
Deviled Egg (large egg), cooked, 1 serving 145
Baby Carrots, raw, 4 medium 15
DINNER TOTALS: 1,141

SNACK:
Bryers All Natural Vanilla Ice Cream, 0.5 cup 140
Cake, angelfood, 0.8 piece (1/12 of 10″ dia) 103
Brownies, 1 brownie (2″ square) 112
Shurfine Wheat Bran Flakes, 1.5 cup 180
Milk, 1%, 0.75 cup 77
Peaches, fresh, 0.75 cup slices 55
Strawberries, fresh, 0.4 cup, halves 18
Sweet Cherries, 0.25 cup, with pits, yields 18
SNACK TOTALS: 703
CALORIES 3032

Hope you all are enjoying your extended weekend and any cook-outs. Lets take time out to reflect and remember today those who have sacrificed for this country. We can complain and gripe about so much…but really we are so very blessed.

Yep…weigh in this morning showed 225…down four from Wednesday’s weigh in. Whoop Whoop! I am so so so soooooooo thankful to have you guys! You give me strength and encouragement to fight through this. THANK YOU!

Yesterday was a pretty good day over all. I did end up picking up my 12 y/o (Sam) from school at 1. He was in his second home…the health room but did the nurse did say his throat was red, so I brought him home. I was going to spend a little quiet time and start reading a book someone sent me from another support site I use for this divorce thing. Don’t want to read it around them…I don’t want to put their Dad down in any way. I will be honest with my beliefs when questions come up…but not to bash their Dad. After dinner last night, my 14 y/o (Zach) and I played Badminton for about an hour…Hey I know it sounds like a sissy game but I sweated. We were goofy and played a Ninja/Karate version of it too. It was fun. We watched Bolt the other weekend and I LOVED it…we still keep quoting lines from the movie and laughing about it. Yes I am a grown woman but I love movies like that!

I don’t know what the deal is with my internet but it worked fine in the AM and then come afternoon I cant get on or its going so slow you cant load anything. Its Satellite…it sucks! I have a feeling its going to happen again today because its going to be hot and sunny. Makes no sense to me…usually it goes out with cloud coverage or heavy wind or rain…so now SUN is apparently a problem…go figure!

I did go a bit bonkers on the rice with dinner last night. I made gravy (just a package kind that’s fat free and really not bad calorie wise) but it reminded me of dinners growing up…my Mom was “da bomb”…always a meat, potato or rice, salad or veggies…ya know, the complete meal…Beaver Cleaver style. Any way I will list it all…so here is my food journal for Friday.

Friday May 22
BREAKFAST:
Banana, fresh, 1 extra small (less than 6″ long) 75
Milk, 1%, 1 cup 102
Shurfine Wheat Bran Flakes, 1.5 cup 180
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 357

LUNCH:
Freshetta Naturally Rising Pepperoni Pizza (1/6), 0.73 serving 241
Vegetables, Mixed Salad Greens, 2 serving(s) 30
Green Peppers (bell peppers), 1 tbsp 3
Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped 4
Ken’s Fat Free Sun-Dried Tomato Vinaigrette, 2 tbsp 70
Freschetta Brick Oven Pizza-5 Italian Cheese (1/4 pizza), 65.5 gram(s) 170
LUNCH TOTALS: 518

DINNER:
Chicken Breast, no skin, 3 ounces 94
White Rice, medium grain, 1.5 cup 363
Mixed Vegetables (Broccoli, Cauliflower, Carrots) Birds Eye - 87g, 2 cup 60
McCormick Chicken Gravy Mix 1 serv=1/4 c prepared, 1 cup 80
DINNER TOTALS: 596

SNACKS:
Kraft Jello-o Brand Fat Free Sugar Free Pudding, Chocolate, 1 Serving 60
Banana, fresh, 1 extra small (less than 6″ long) 75
Jif Creamy Peanut Butter, 1 tbsp 95
Cool Whip Lite, 1.5 serving 30
SNACK TOTALS: 260 3

CALORIES 1,731

Have a SUPER Saturday Buddies!

I tried to get on here a couple times yesterday afternoon…my internet is funky and Im not sure why…the weather was perfect. I couldn’t even get my food logged in SP until this morning. Hopefully the decent connection stays.

Ive been busy busy busy. Wednesday I was worn out! Spent all day doing a clean up/sort prep for realtor to take pics on Thursday. I had to attack the remains of the office. Ive left it alone because J was supposed to help me…yeah…that didn’t happen so it was just me. I have begun dealing with a lot of emotions in this packing and clean up…lately the anger is stirring that once again I am here to clean up his life…his mess. When he left, he basically took a duffle bag with some clothes. Over time I began to empty out his clothing and personal stuff and asking him repeatedly to take it. That angered me too…that he didn’t have to physically and mentally pack his belongings from his home…it was painful…ANYWAY, moving on. I sat down Wednesday night and watched the American Idol Finale…can I just say AWESOME! And Keith Urban makes me drool!!!! I was fighting the urge to binge or numb feelings all day but especially at night…I didn’t. Here is my food log for Wednesday…gonna try to scale it down a bit because I also need to do Thursday.

Wednesday May 20
BREAKFAST:
Kashi Organic Promise Autumn Wheat cereal, 1 cup 190
Milk, 1%, 1 cup 102
LUNCH:
Watermelon, 1 cup, balls 49
canteloupe (rockemelon), 0.25 medium 50
Chicken Breast, no skin, 3 ounces 94
Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped 4
Celery, raw, 2 tbsp 2
Iceberg Lettuce (salad), 2 leaf 1
Hellmann’s , Real Mayonnaise, 1 Tbsp, 2 serving 180
DINNER:
Hot Dog, beef, 52 grams 172
White Bread, 24 grams 64
Ketchup, Heinz, 0.5 tbsp 8
Yellow Mustard, 1 tsp or 1 packet 3
Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner, 0.5 Serving (makes about 1 cup prepared) 205
SNACK:
Shurfine Wheat Bran Flakes, 1.5 cup 180
Milk, 1%, 1 cup 102
Banana, fresh, 1 small (6″ to 6-7/8″ long) 93
Banana, fresh, 1 small (6″ to 6-7/8″ long) 93
Jif Creamy Peanut Butter, 1 tbsp 95
CALORIES 1,687

Thursday came and I spent the morning doing last minute straighten up and steam-vac’d the carpet. The realtor came about 15 minutes early but I was ready other than A couple cereal bowls to be washed. She’s a nice person and I get along really well with her…for that I am thankful, but the pictures were a lot more involved than what I thought. I figured she would just go around and snap a shot of each room and be done. Well it was that but also closets and stuff…ahhh! I would have packed up more of our personal stuff if I had known that. These are just for the banks purposes but still…it felt VERY invasive and I was emotional…sucking it up til she was gone. Ive been waiting for this to happen for so long and now its coming…its starting to affect my kids more too…not just the house although its part of it, but the having to leave the area…at least for now. And quite honestly I probably wont move back here…I’ll stay closer to my family…I need them.
So yesterday afternoon my Mom called to see if we would be home…they came out and had dinner with My 14 y/o and me. After dinner I began to fill them in on the happenings. I did briefly on Saturday at game night but didn’t want to go into it then. Bottom line is…I and my kids are moving in with them temporarily. My dad had been working on their basement…its his work shop…he does a lot of wood working…he made my hope chest, night stands, a tv cabinet and many other little tables and shelves. He made my daughter a baby doll crib which was just so beautiful. Well he is clearing out all his table saws and tools so we can have a place to stay. He is going to be putting up walls and things so we can have our space. I am so thankful and yet feel so incredibly guilty. They should not have to have a grown daughter moving back home…at 43 no less. They raised us kids…then the have baby sat most of the grandkids…mine too at one time…then my Moms, Mom lived there until she passed and now my Dad’s Mom has been living there…they have not gotten a break…and let me say, the have NEVER said they don’t want to do this…that’s just who they are…loving. I just feel badly. Alright, gonna stop that and post my Thursday food journal…higher than I planned but Ive been on the move constantly. I did well at fighting off the urge to eat as in pig-out on Thursday too. I hope I can keep fighting it!
Thursday May 21
BREAKFAST:
Shurfine Wheat Bran Flakes, 1.5 cup 180
Banana, fresh, 1 extra small (less than 6″ long) 75
Milk, 1%, 1 cup 102
LUNCH:
Bagels, plain, 43 grams 118
Watermelon, 1 cup, balls 49
canteloupe (rockemelon), 0.25 medium 50
Jif Creamy Peanut Butter, 2 tbsp 190
Bagels, plain, 43 grams 118
DINNER:
Freshetta Naturally Rising Pepperoni Pizza (1/6), 0.73 serving 241
Vegetables, Mixed Salad Greens, 2 serving(s) 30
Green Peppers (bell peppers), 1 tbsp 3
Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped 4
Ken’s Fat Free Sun-Dried Tomato Vinaigrette, 2 tbsp 70
Freschetta Brick Oven Pizza-5 Italian Cheese (1/4 pizza), 87 gram(s) 226
SNACKS:
Kashi Organic Promise Autumn Wheat cereal, 1 cup 190
Milk, 1%, 1 cup 102
canteloupe (rockemelon), 0.25 medium 50
Banana, fresh, 1 extra small (less than 6″ long) 75
Watermelon, 1 cup, balls 49
CALORIES 1,923

And finally…I know this is a long blog but wanted to share my light bulb moment for anyone interested…it is more faith based.
Talking about everything with my parents last night…getting a bit emotional…we were also talking about some other situations in others lives…horrible things. We got on the subject of Jonah (in the Bible). I commented that with the struggle I have in opening myself up to be useful to God, I was afraid that I would wake up one day in the belly of a whale too. And my Dad softly said…Maybe you are right now…
Yea…maybe I am…

Why yes I AM! Did a mid-week weigh in this morning and Im down 2 pounds from Sunday. I cant tell you how happy I am at that because all Ive done for the past several months is go up. So, YIPEE! I am going to do a twice weekly weigh in as I get back on board with this to help me know I am on the right track and as part of my accountability. When I feel I am, I will go back to once a week.

Another busy day…dropping my daughter off this morning to head to Myrtle Beach with her bf and his family for a wedding this weekend. Then back here and clearing out junk…straightening up rooms and a little cleaning to get ready for realtor pics tomorrow. Sent my 14 y/o back to school today…his ankle is healing but sore. Now my 12 y/o is home…I think he is “sick”…his sick…cough cough…I don’t want to go to school so Im sick, sick…that kinda sick.

I didn’t get to get on here much at all yesterday…made me a sad puppy  But I do think about all of you and it helps me to know I am not in this alone. I did pretty well with my food…calories were higher than I planned mainly due to a last minute dinner. I have to tell you, I craved fruit again yesterday evening. The watermelon and cantaloupe are soooo good I was wanting it…another YIPEE! Oh and my son took my last beloved Sandwich Thin so for lunch I put my chicken salad on lettuce leaves and rolled them up…YUM! So here is my food journal from yesterday. Hope to “see” you more today and catch up on my reading…HUGS Buddies!

BREAKFAST:
Kashi Organic Promise Autumn Wheat cereal, 2 cup 380
Milk, 1%, 1 cup 102
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 482

LUNCH:
Watermelon, 1 cup, balls 49
canteloupe (rockemelon), 0.25 medium 50
Chicken Breast, no skin, 3 ounces 94
Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped 4
Celery, raw, 2 tbsp 2
Iceberg Lettuce (salad), 2 leaf 1
Hellmann’s , Real Mayonnaise, 1 Tbsp, 2 serving 180
LUNCH TOTALS: 380

DINNER:
Johnsonville Mild Italian Saugage Link, 0.9 serving 270
Hamburger or Hot Dog Buns, 1.4 oz 111
Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Dinner, 0.5 Serving (makes about 1 cup prepared) 205
Green Peppers (bell peppers), 0.33 cup, strips 12
Onions, raw, 0.33 cup, sliced 14
Yellow Mustard, 1 tsp or 1 packet 3
DINNER TOTALS: 616

SNACK:
Peanut Butter Cookies, 3 cookie 181
Banana, fresh, 1 small (6″ to 6-7/8″ long) 93
Watermelon, 1 cup, balls 49
canteloupe (rockemelon), 0.25 medium 50
Banana, fresh, 1 small (6″ to 6-7/8″ long) 93
SNACK TOTALS: 466

CALORIES
1,945

Yep…time to fix my relationship with ME. Blaithin got me thinking yesterday with her suggestion to make a list of commitments to myself. Until going through this separation, I really didn’t realize just how much I put myself last. I felt selfish because with food…I truly am. But in so many other ways, I put myself last…if at all. So I have started a list of Life Commitments to myself. I honored my marriage commitment…I need to honor God by honoring the body he gave me…the life he gave me…the children he gave me. Time to learn to value myself. Im still working on my list…doing lots of thinking…but here it is so far.

I commit to:
* Forgive my “failures” but expect to give my best in what I do.
* Learn to love and accept ALL of me.
* Change what I can & accept what I have no control over.
* Find the joy & humor in life each day…as much as possible…as often as possible.
* Treat myself & my body with respect.
* Be good to my body with exercise and better food choices.
* Rebuild the best life I can…let go & move forward.

I want to focus on these daily but it will take time and learning to get it right. I will also for now be posting my food journal to help keep me accountable…good or bad. I’ll follow Nancy’s lead and copy my SP food tracker here (didn’t know I could do that). Im going to be busy getting the house ready but I need to get my walking in as well. Yesterday went really well food wise…considering. I did have moments of great struggle…but thought of you guys and your support, encouragement and love. Thank you…you are THE BEST!

Took my two youngest to the wood slide yesterday afternoon. We went Sunday but it was so crowded…church picnic or something. Yesterday it was just us…nice! And the weather was beautiful. On the second time down my 14 y/o hurt his ankle and knees. He is home today…icing it and taking ibuprofen…deciding if we need to see the doc. He is walking on it now…was not for a few hours last night. Didn’t know if it was just jammed or what. He has had a cough and sore chest again too, so kept him home and feeding meds.

***TMI WARNING***
I seem to have unknowingly found the perfect Colon cleanse combination with all that fruit and shredded wheat yesterday. The porcelain throne and I have been far to intimate this morning…hey…I warned you! LOL!

Well…I seem to be rambling again, so here is my food accountability for yesterday.
Hope you guys have a fantastic day and again…THANK YOU! LOVE YOU!!

BREAKFAST:
Kashi Organic Promise Autumn Wheat cereal, 2 cup 380
Milk, 1%, 1 cup 102
BREAKFAST TOTALS: 482

LUNCH:
Watermelon, 1 cup, balls 49
canteloupe (rockemelon), 0.25 medium 50
Arnold Select Sandwich Thins-Whole Grain White, 1 serving 100
Chicken Breast, no skin, 3 ounces 94
Hellmann’s , Light Mayonnaise, 1 Tbsp, 2.5 serving 88
Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped 4
Celery, raw, 2 tbsp 2
Chocolate Chip Cookies, 1 cookie, medium (2-1/4″ dia) 59
LUNCH TOTALS: 446

DINNER:
Arnold Select Sandwich Thins-Whole Grain White, 1 serving 100
Hellmann’s , Light Mayonnaise, 1 Tbsp, 2.5 serving 88
Chicken Breast, no skin, 3 ounces 94
Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped 4
Celery, raw, 2 tbsp 2
Applesauce, sweetened, 0.5 cup 97
DINNER TOTALS: 384

SNACK:
canteloupe (rockemelon), 0.3 medium 60
Watermelon, 1 cup, balls 49
Peanut Butter Cookies, 2 cookie 121
SNACK TOTALS: 230

CALORIES

1,542

I have already cried my heart out this morning. How long does it take until you accept a failed marriage? For me so far…almost 3 years. Saw J this morning…I always end up broken. I so badly wanted to heal this…but I cant…his choice…not mine. I have been working on accepting that…I have made progress…but it is just so difficult…he was worth it all to me…

Back in January I wrote a blog about sometimes having to go through the crap to get where were going. Since February I have just been spinning my wheels in the big manure pile called my life and flinging it everywhere…making a mess. With the foreclosure on my home and the confirmation again from J that he does not want the marriage…it is time to start shoveling my way out of this…MAJOR cleanup!

I have 6 weeks left here at my house. I have nowhere to store most of the contents and it looks like it gonna be a yard sale to get rid of it. I don’t do yard sales very well…especially when its breaking down my life for the last 25 years and having people bargain me down. I have no choice. The realtor is coming Thursday to take pics…just for the banks purpose of establishing worth and cost of any repairs I suppose. Then Im planning on being out of here in 5 weeks (after kids are out of school) and having a week to come back in and scrub it real good.

I have to strengthen myself for the upcoming weeks and begin to prepare the kids more…this family is coming apart…separating siblings because of J’s choice…I am angry about that most of all. I know my oldest son will most likely be staying with J which means he will most likely be moving to WV. I cant let my others go…Im going to have to be the bad guy and make them stay with me, even if its not what they want. They have been able to go back and forth very easily until now…TEARS…Im telling you…I am so very broken. I am fighting with all I have guys. After the feeling that I was going to puke passed…I wanted to eat…big surprise! I had a bowl of Kashi shredded squares…probably more than 1 serving but stopped there. I can not let this give me reason…excuse to gain more…and yes…I am up again damnit! I cut up a big watermelon and 2 cantaloupes last night…in the fridge ready…

THIS HAS TO STOP! I have to get busy…sorting through my home…stirring up freaking memories. Part of me wants him here to deal with it too but it just hurts too much to be around him…too too much! So I am left to clean up the mess of our lives…sort through OUR stuff…dealing with it alone like I did through the better part of our marriage.

OK…enough…I have to get shoveling…I cannot quit on my kids…on me. I have to keep going…for them…and I hope one day I will believe I am worth it too.

Im not looking for pity…I have to get this out or I fear losing it completely…I want to shut down…but I will not…I will not. My life is going to be worth something…its going to have mattered. I need to be accountable for my actions…I need to make the best choices I can…I need to forgive myself quickly when I fall…and get right back up and moving forward.
Asking for a little help for the moment on being accountable…I feel very weak right now…and I know I am more likely to behave if I am accountable to you than just myself.

I need to end this now and get busy. I am going to read blogs…looking to support and hopefully for strength in reading about your accomplishments. I will then make my plan of attack for the day and get busy…shoveling the mental crap while I go through this house doing what needs to be done.

If you made it this far…thank you…Im sorry its so long…it kept me from eating more tho…so thank you for letting me feel safe to vent here…thank you for always being there to pull me up…thank you…

Holly…I can very much relate to your wanting to lock your mouth. Really, what is it? You start each day with the best of intentions and by afternoon or evening it is spiraling out of control. At that point I usually surrender control with the promise that I will get it together tomorrow. Ahhhhh! Remember about tomorrow…it never comes. I know this and yet the game plays out the same…day after day. Why do we knowingly do this to ourselves? What gives us strength for a couple months and then disappears long enough for us to do damage again? So Holly, I’m with you…I want a lock and a trusted keeper of the key.

Last night was fun…but I obviously didn’t do what I was planning. Didn’t go overboard with dinner but desserts…they were my kryptonite! I wonder about getting on of those doggy collars that zap you and if I get to close to the goodies, I would get a jolt…it could work

Yesterday was warm and muggy but storms came through and it’s cool again…much better.
Taking my two youngest boys to a wooden slide at a nearby park…they love it. A tip for anyone who likes to slide…WAX PAPER! We used to use it growing up and it makes the slide SO fast…it even works on the wood slide
Happy Sunday Buddies!

Oh…one more thing…I was trying to send out some booster this morning and having trouble. I am recently using Google Chrome and it’s a little different. I’ll try re-sending later…but if you do get a mess from me or doubles, that’s why…it was weird.
Also…Comment Moderator is being a BIG BOOGER to me again…reminder to you guys to check that Moderation Folder often…he likes to eat them