readytoemerge

I am going to stand in front of the mirror each morning…and repeat those words. Looking myself in the eyes and saying…I matter…I am worth it! I will say it until I mean it…until I accept it for truth and believe it with every part of me. I matter now as an overweight middle aged woman. I matter even if I were never to lose any more weight or if I gained 800 pounds…I still matter. I would never say the things to someone else that I say to myself…I need to love myself. I need to change what I can and accept what I cant and learn to love all of myself…the good and the not so good.

So begins my additional journey to “find myself” and love me…love who I am…accept me as I do others. This journey is paired with the weight loss journey because they are linked…I may veer off and have to deal with learning to love myself over the weight loss on occasion. More often than not…I think these two roads are so very entwined and walking my way down them will get me where I need to go and the results I am seeking.

Do you know you matter? Do you love yourself enough? Stand in front of the mirror with me and tell yourself YOU ARE WORTH IT…YOU MATTER!

Big monster sized hugs to each of you…I cant express enough how much you mean to me. Love you all!!

Should be such a simple question to answer, right? Why does it seem so hard sometimes? Bottom line…when I cut through all the crap is…YES…I am worth it. I am worth the trying…the hard work…the trouble. I am worth fighting through the self defeat and resisting temptations. I am worth the effort even when because of others choices and actions I don’t feel worthy…I am. I have to keep telling myself this. I can not give up on myself.

I know you guys are with me…but I have so many days where I just feel so alone in all Im going through. It beats me down and I get tired…very very tired of where my life is at age 43. I hope that I will soon be strong enough to fight these demons that are pulling me down so often. I want to TRULY believe…with my whole heart…that I am worth it. To not give up on myself. So…here is my attempt to get restarted.

For the remainder of the week I will track my food in my written journal and also on Spark (which I have not been on in several months). I will walk at least twice by Saturday. And I will drink at least 48 oz. of water each day. At this moment I am not aiming for a calorie range. I need to eat the foods I have here…they are not the best choices but its what I have. I will try each day to eat when hungry and stop before reaching overly full. I will try to do better each day.

I didn’t have a lot of time to think about my plan yesterday. I had all the kids after school and last night…had big problems with my 12 and 14 y/o boys…cried for the first time since going on these meds…they broke me. I didn’t sleep last night, so after I got them on the bus this morning I went back to sleep for a little bit. I have tried very hard to keep us together as much as possible. Its not very often I get all 4 at the same time anymore. It means so much to me when it happens but I just cant anymore. My family has been torn apart…it will never be complete the way it was before. I have to adjust to that and sadly right now, part of that will be to keep my two youngest apart as much as possible. I cant fight it anymore…nothing Ive done has made a difference. Their dad ran from his problems instead of fixing them and they want to do the same. They broke me and I cant fix it anymore…so apart it is.

Thanks to all of you who commented on my last blog…I took something from each one and have reread them several times…THANK YOU! Love you!!

Why am I doing this??? What have I done??? I am hurting myself…I am undoing what I have worked so hard for. Part of me cares and realizes it…the other part doesn’t give a crap and keeps making very bad choices. WHY? I feel stupid for going through the same issues…year after year…wasting my life. What is wrong with me that I don’t give a crap? Really! Why would I keep choosing to eat my life away and be miserable…hating what Im doing…hating myself for where I am…hating the example I am showing my kids…why? I wouldn’t sit in front of them and get drunk or do drugs…and yet I am doing this.

I said I would get back on track and I was going to enjoy Easter but not get out of control…well I LIED! I ate and ate…maybe not as much as in years past, but I ate to the point of feeling miserable and as soon as it wore of…I ate again. I have not stopped since Sunday and up until then I was eating poorly. It has just escalated. I feel out of control…like some sick pervert with food. Constantly thinking of what I want next and how much I can get down before I cant eat more of what I want. Back to that feeling that I have to have it all now so I can start fresh and not have them any more. I KNOW THE DRILL…and yet I do it anyway…tell myself I’d better have it now cause “tomorrow” I cant any more. I know that doesn’t work and yet I play the game with myself anyway…making it “OK” to eat it today because I will get on track tomorrow. Bullcrap! I am playing the game with myself and yet I INVENTED this game with myself…I know the rules damnit and here I am anyway…doing it…day after friggin day! Is it going to take a heart attack or a stroke…maybe diabetes to wake me up? I pray not…and yet I am so damn stubborn.

I am all or nothing in so many ways…why do I struggle to find the balance on something that should just be simple? How are there people in this world who only care about food to fuel their bodies and don’t think about it otherwise? Why am I missing that part?

My life is slipping past me…it breaks my heart to think of how many years I have wasted my energy and focus on this. I know for me…Satan has used this in my life…to distract me from what I should be doing…what I should be focused on. It has robbed me and my children and my marriage…and I LET IT. When will it be important enough to me to make it matter?

I need to do some thinking…make some plans and get this going for good. I need to stop lying to myself and playing these games. I need to make some decisions and decide I am worth it enough to carry it out…see it through.

Confession time…I got on the scale this morning and I am ashamed and humiliated to say this…but when I came here it was to be honest…with me…with you…I weighed in at 223.4…I am now up over 10 pounds…the last four from just the last couple days.

I am crying out to you…to God…to myself…I have to be real…lay it all out and begin to move forward…today. I am updating my tracker…again. I will blog with an updated plan later today or tomorrow morning…Im just sick over what I am doing…what I have done. Ive got to stand back up…

…with an Easter Hunt. I woke yesterday morning to find a sweet note from the kids and a clue to send me on a hunt for something special. I went around the house from clue to clue…12 in all. And at the end was this surprise waiting for me…

It felt like Mothers Day, Christmas and my Birthday. VERY sweet of them and I had fun. I think they had fun making up the clues. Growing up my Grandmom would put a clue in our Christmas stocking that would take us in search of our gift…such wonderful memories of that. Over the years my Mom or I have on occasion done similar things…and now my kids for me. Made me feel more special than I have in quite a while.

Today I am heading to my parents for a family Easter dinner. Its sunny but cold. We will do an egg hunt for the kids (nephews) and even tho mine are older they still love it too. Im going to enjoy the day and tomorrow I will be getting back to basics. I know the scale has gone up yet again…my own fault…but with tomorrow comes changes. Im not going to be totally outrageous today or anything…but I am going to enjoy it without being miserable. I will make it a point to get out and walk around the yard some too. Maybe play some Frisbee or throw a football with the kids…maybe even a lazy game of croquet. A little is better than none.

Happy Easter Buddies! I carry so many of you with me in my thoughts throughout the day. Wishing you all a wonderful day…HUGS to you! Love ya!!

It was absolutely gorgeous out…a perfect spring day. We had a lot of fun on our walk…took a LOT of pictures and just took our time along the trail, enjoying nature and laughing. We walked the Catoctin Furnace Trail. Nothing hard except steps…a lot of steps going up to the walkway to cross over the road in the middle of the trail. History along the way…old ruins…pretty cool. It ended up being just my daughter and middle son with me. I really did enjoy it even though thoughts would try to creep in…wishing my family were all together. Im having a lot of old memories that seem to come to thought out of nowhere…uninvited. I just try to push them out and enjoy the now…making new memories…we succeeded in that yesterday.

Today is grocery shopping and getting stuff to make for Easter dinner at my Mom & Dads. Im planning on walking my treadmill today for just a bit if the rain comes before I can get outside for a walk. Will try harder today to wait for hunger. I did about half the time yesterday but still did unnecessary eating a couple times.

Hope you all have a wonderful Friday!

Today will be the best weather-wise for the next few…Sunny and high of 62. The kids and I are heading out this morning for a hike on one of the trails. I didn’t sleep well and Im pretty drained, but looking forward to getting out with them…getting fresh air and some sun. I love hearing the sounds while we walk…all the spring birds singing their little hearts out.

So that simple walk…well, maybe not so simple…but that is my only main goal today. I will try to not go overboard with my eating…Im not stuffing myself the last couple days, but still not waiting for hunger. I will be aiming for that a little more each day.

So, to anyone else struggling…pick one thing you will do today to benefit your body…just one. What will it be? One baby step…you can do it…I can do it…lets do it!

Thanks for the love and support…I have missed you all terribly! It felt good to be back on yesterday. Love you all…Have a beautiful day today!

…or would you destroy it? Would you value and appreciate it…or would you take hammers and saws and demolish it? If you were given a fixer upper and you worked hard to make it beautiful…spending great time and heart and effort to rebuild and make it just right…Would you then in the midst of all you have worked for, take a chainsaw and begin to tear up all that you had worked so hard to make beautiful? Not me…I wouldn’t…and yet I have and I am.

I need to grab ahold NOW…before any more damage is done. Its time to stop undoing the progress I made and get a handle on myself again. I don’t feel ready…and I really don’t want to…but its time.

Teeny, tiny positive moments throughout the week. They are very small things to most people, but huge to me right now. Like taking a nature hike on Sunday with my son and really enjoying it…not a fake smile. Like cutting up with my kids, being goofy, running around the house chasing each other. It doesn’t stay with me the whole day, but things are better than they were for a while.

My eating habits are really horrible…a LOT of comfort foods and comfort eating. Things I have learned about and worked through in the recent past and yet chose to “be bad” and eat myself away because I just didn’t care. Didn’t care about me or my life or anything. It just all felt like it sucked and was not what I wanted my life to be. It still does in most ways but I have to keep going…I have to keep living and make my life the best I can. Work through these times in hopes that one day in the future I will truly be happy again…not just faking it and putting on a smile for everyone around me.

Its time…I got on the scale two days ago and it was up from 216 to 219.8. Yep…I knowingly did this to myself. Now its time to knowingly STOP it before it goes any further. I had this year all figured…all I had to do was lose 5 lousy pounds a month to meet my goal by my birthday in November this year. I screwed that up. Its time to get a grip!

My Mom treated my daughter and me yesterday. She took us shopping for a new top, lunch and hair cuts. I feel better with my hair cut and have a pretty new top I can wear Easter and for work when I find a job. I don’t have many nice clothes in the right size any more since losing weight. This was a nice mini boost.

So, here I go…again. Time to fix the damage Ive done to the “house” God gave me and to take care of it and show my appreciation. Im going to be wobbly starting off…not perfect, just need to start small and work my way into it again.

Will be slowly trying to catch up with you guys too. Im sorry for not being here for you…to support you and cheer you on. Love you all greatly!!

Ive been working hard to repair it…but Im still struggling. I think everything just finally caught up to me and depression set in…pretty deep. I began eating to numb and then just not eating much of anything. I accepted that I just cant get through this on my own and called the Doctor. Ive been on medicine for depression/anxiety for not quite 2 weeks now. It helped to stop my crying but has not changed much of anything else yet. I actually cut back the dose a couple days ago because of a few problems I am having including being tired all the time. I hope it helps. I have gone back to eating too much and that scares me. I did weigh myself yesterday and I was at 216. Up from my low of 212 but down from my gain to 218. I know tho if I continue this way I will be back up in no time.

I hate feeling like this and I miss you guys and being on here. At the same time, I just don’t have it in me. How bad is that when I don’t even have enough energy or care to sign in here? For me that’s pretty bad because you guys have saved me more than once. It makes me wonder…do I want to be saved or just spiral out of control again and regain…maybe hit 300 this time? Do I secretly want to stay like this? If not why is it such a battle? If you really want something you get it, right?

I know I have to do this on my own…just know I am still trying to fight through this and thinking of you all so much. Im going to try pushing myself more and I hope to be on here more and more.

Love you bunches…missing you! Thanks again for the boosters and messages…they mean so much.