readytoemerge

…why doesn’t it just get off the pity pot and go find some GOOD company…some FUN company? Well, that’s a big part of why I love it here at BS. You guys make this so much more bearable. I just need to get on here more so I don’t keep going back to my pity pot. The pity pot stinks anyway…who wants to sit there all alone and pouting? (Well apparently me sometimes…heehee). So on my journey to the garden, I’m going to be on the look-out for more company…the good kind…the BS kind and anything else I can find to stay positive.
My fat caterpillar butt did veer off the trail yesterday. I started out really well…but let myself hit a point of hunger that I shouldn’t have and proceeded to high-tail it to trouble pretty fast. Overall though it was still better than what I’ve been doing and I’m stocked up with more veggies and fruits now. I started off with Fruity Cheerios…does that count as fruit??? I didn’t think so…lol! Getting ready to enjoy a bowl of cantaloupe to hold me until lunch and then a chicken (baked) sandwich on an Arnold Sandwich Thin (love those) with tomato and lettuce for lunch. Planning Taco Soup for dinner since we are back to chilly and cloudy here today. Supposed to warm up again tomorrow but I think more seasonable this time. Going to start walking outside again in the AM for now…I miss that time alone.
Here’s to a great Thursday and the GREAT company of friends here in BSland! HUGS to you Buddies!

 Took me aback! I was surprised because it actually smelled SOOOOOOO Good! I cut up a cantaloupe…LOL! One of the ones I have been staring at…wanting to desire. Guess what? I WANTED it…once I cut it up and smelled it…Oh my! I could not wait to have it. Get this buddies…I CRAVED it! Yay!!! I craved fruit…for the first time in quite a while. Yippee! I can’t tell you how happy it made me. I am going out to the grocery for some things and plan to get stuff to make a big garden salad to be eating off of. And more pears because my youngest ate two yesterday.

This fat dysfunctional caterpillar is inching her way to the garden and she is starting to smack her lips! Oh Lord please let this stay with me. I really want to focus on eating a lot of fruits and veggies to try to switch up my cravings. I left my pity party hat back where I was but do me a favor buddies. If you see me…the fat little caterpillar with her pity hat back on and sulking…lean down close to me…put your pointer finger and thumb together…and FLICK me hard!

So here I go again…trying to learn a lesson from the Very Hungry Caterpillar…going to start eating my way through the fruits and veggies…chomp chomp.

Even the very hungry caterpillar ate mostly fruits…and when he did eat junk he got a tummy ache and ate a leaf the next day. He learned his lesson and didn’t repeat a pattern of eating the bad crap….therefore turning into that beautiful butterfly I long to become.

I laid in bed last night with a tummy ache from oatmeal coconut cookies. I even argued with myself as I kept eating them.   I wondered what exactly it was I was seeking for the food to satisfy. What am I looking to feel and why? Everyday I look to be my get back on track day. What happened to me and my desire to make goal? Why does it disappear each time I approach Onederland? I feel miserable being like this, but obviously I must be getting something out of it or I would want to change, right? I either really enjoy being fat or enjoy being miserable. Stuffed into my one and only pair of
Capri’s yesterday…size 18…felt gross. I was going onto 16’s and feeling really good a few months ago…what happened?

I am a dysfunctional caterpillar…a wanna-be butterfly. I watch the other butterflies emerge and fly off…so very beautiful…and I sit too fat to fly…alone on my leaf…eating my cookies and feeling sorry for myself. I’m the little fat caterpillar with the party hat on…I wear it day after day to have my pity parties.

I am trying to look inward…trying to unlock the doors and understand myself. What am I hiding from? Why am I shutting my healthy self out? I am going to keep knocking on doors…prying open the ones that are locked…breaking them in if need be. I need to know…I need to correct this or accept me as I am and smile proudly as a fat caterpillar…not being envious of those butterflies who worked so hard.

Its time to inch away from the picnic and head my caterpillar butt to the lush green woods with all the juicy leaves popping out on the trees. I’m going to learn to love the good stuff and notice how good it makes me feel. I might need a cane when I finally emerge from my cocoon for the last time but I AM going to become a butterfly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qoYPLtqqVk

Last shopping trip I bought pears (on sale), cantaloupe (bogo) and bananas (cheap). They sit on my counter to ripen and I stare at them every time I enter the kitchen in search of food. They are not calling out to me…I’m not anxious for them to ripen. As a matter of fact I bought extra bananas because usually the kids demolish them…and now they have not been here to eat them. They are spotting and will soon be prime banana bread material.

Why can’t I lust after good foods the way I do after sugar and carbs? What tells my body that a bagel slathered in peanut butter is going to taste better than a lush green salad? Who decided it? My mouth controlled by rebelling taste buds? My nose that only desires to inhale the lovely aroma of fresh baked cookies and breads? My eyes that have been dimmed to only see the bad stuff? Maybe my mind which has been brainwashed by all the other parts into thinking I NEED breads and cookies, sweets and salty fries. Who has betrayed me? What part of my body do I interrogate first?

I think I’ve been watching too much Forensic Files…haha! But I do want to know and I am on the search to solve this mystery within myself…duh duh duh!

I broke down and put on the a/c. The coughing returned with a vengeance last night and I was up a lot with that spastic kind of coughing. Will see if it helps. I am heading out shortly to take some allergy med to my son at school and then WILL be back on here. It was just tooooo hot last night to run the computer. I am wondering about everyone and want so badly to catch up.

Have a super Monday guys!

Im wearing them…but I didn’t say it was pretty…its not. I squeezed myself into a pair of size 18’s that I initially had hoped would be way too big by this time. With my struggles over the last several months it is pretty amazing that I am actually in them at this point. I am very unhappy with my thighs…yuck! Bottom line is I have once again done this to myself so cottage cheese thighs and flappy arm wings are what I must endure. Its another HOT day here…odd for this area so soon but it will be in the low to mid 90’s today. The pollen is killing me but I love to have the windows open…plus I cant afford the AC right now. My cold is finally better today…my cough is now “productive” rather than the dry, tickling cough…my ribs are thankful. I did however drink and eat quite a bit trying to stop the coughing…I know that sounds lame.

Emotionally, I just want to eat and numb…Im still struggling guys…Im still feeling such heartache over my marriage…it really has been devastating. Im sure people are tired of hearing it…but Im not one to just say oh well and move on…he was my life. Im looking inward quite a bit. I know I have not loved myself and always wondered how he loved me because I didn’t like what I saw. Now he’s gone and it just kind of confirmed what I felt all along. Part of me knows Im worth it…but the other part trys to override that thought and squash it. I am trying to understand and correct this about me…I want to understand and move forward with a healthy self esteem…don’t know if that’s even possible at this point in life.

Going to stop now because Im rambling. I want to get these shorts to fit looser in the next several weeks. Im still here…still trying. Oh, I am down one pound since last week.

Buddies…wear those sorts with me…its not easy but do it…at least around your home. I may even soak up a little bit of sun in them today…maybe.

By yesterday afternoon the weather had gotten really nice…My youngest and I were out on the porch while he did his homework. Then clouds blew in and we watched them about 30 minutes…felt the wind get stronger and the temps drop…then the rain came. After wards the sky was still dark out front (facing east) and out back the sun was trying to show itself again. As we sat in the living room, the strangest glow came…and we looked outside and there it was…the BIGGEST BRIGHTEST DOUBLE RAINBOW EVER! You could see it from one side to the other and I wish my camera was capable of snapping it all in one shot. These pictures cannot even capture it all in one or the most magnificent glow it put off…it was just absolutely beautiful and we went crazy taking pictures and just admiring it.

Well…what I thought were allergies or sinus issues had turned into a cold…yeah!…The weather is supposed to get into the upper 70’s or low 80’s in a couple days…and here I have a cold…blah! My son got sick last night and I was up with him and slept in this morning. The good news in this is that I have no taste…so maybe the desire to eat will be minimal…Im hoping.

My dream…well I had several but the one that stuck with me when I woke up was this…I dreamt that I weighed myself and it said 242. I was so upset with myself for gaining even more and going through the thoughts of now I need to get back out of the 40’s, back out of the 30’s, back out of the 20’s and back to the lower 10’s to undo all the damage. And doing this …relosing the weight again for the third time in just a few years. I DON’T WANT THAT! I don’t want to face that…again. I am SO thankful it was a dream. I have wished before that my gain was a bad dream…this time the bulk of it was…thank goodness! I have lost 1 pound so now I need to lose 10 to get back where I was. I hope this ream stays with me because at this moment I feel a little stronger and more determined than I have in a while…Lord please let this stay with me…please.

I am so very very thankful for my buddies who are riding this weight loss roller coaster with me…and those who have dared to ride my emotional coaster as well. Thank you for being there. I didn’t get a chance to get back on and read but plan to today. Much love and big bear hugs!

I really want to understand myself…I don’t. Why is it every time I get close to Onederland by 5-15 pounds, do I shoot back up? Because I lose control and the deep desire and start eating like mad…why? I DON’T KNOW! I have asked this question several times before…Do I just WANT to be fat my whole life? If so…why? It has not protected me from heartache…so its not that. What is goi9ng on inside me that I am doing this? I keep trying to get a hold of myself and take baby steps…I am failing at even that. Where is my desire and drive? Where did I hide it and why? I so very much want to understand this. So many times along the way I get little bits of insight and understand more of why I use food the way I do…and yet here I am…still doing it. Why would I choose food over health? Why choose being miserable over enjoying life? I don’t want my fat self to win this battle. Yet day after day I eat more crap…last several weeks…lots of bagels…lots!…peanut butter…cake…and McD’s once or twice a week for a double cheeseburger and fries. I am so humiliated and ashamed to even put this out here. I am trying so hard to understand. This is eating me up mentally as much as physically. I wonder if I just want to be fat…but if so then why cant I accept myself that way and just be happy? I cant! So I go into this battle with myself to lose weight and yet sabotage myself along the way. I have wasted so many years playing this game instead of being productive in other ways.

Im still not sleeping well…averaging about 4 hours a night of sleep…laying awake in the middle of the night. Then Im a zombie all day. Im going to try to nap for about an hour and then get up and take care of some chores. Already searched the help wanted ads…nothing for me and no replies on the resumes I have sent out. I will be back in a bit to catch up on everyone.

Don’t give up on me…Im not quitting…just struggling badly…searching for answers and trying to find my way back…

Im going to try the Zig Zag method with my calorie intake for right now. I have considered it before but was always afraid to try because the calorie range was higher than what I was doing. At this point now it will definitely be lower than what Ive been doing cause Ive been such a bad girl…**grinning sheepishly** I still want to get back to the eating when hungry method but right now…I need more guidelines to reign me in and pull it together again. I will also be weighing twice a week…just for the next week…possibly two, but no longer. I need to know if this zig zagging is going to work or not. I need to know I am not climbing up the scale any further…I think if I did I may completely break and just let it all go.

So yesterday I did much better than Thursday…wow!…It wasn’t that I ate a lot, just a couple higher calorie foods. All my kids were (are) here because J had to go help his mom who has a very bad back. They came after school and cut the grass. I made what I had…homemade mac & cheese…its cheap to make for the portions you get but not so cheap in calories. I counted it in tho.

Today is another GORGEOUS day here. I wish my emotions were as nice…struggling with some things but trying to push forward and enjoy the day. I already have a few windows open…its just about 63 outside but the sun is pouring in the windows and it feels much warmer. Will get out but also want to get some more cleaning done.

So buddies…heres to a wonderful Saturday…staying on track…loving ourselves enough to make good choices…enjoying the day. Have a great one!

Did you feel it…hear it, when my jaw hit my desk???? I just looked up my calories for yesterday…it’s a guess on a couple things…but my aprox calories for yesterday was…3245! Oh…it gets worse. This was “better” than I have been lately…or so I thought. Just the chicken portion of my dinner out last night was 1180 calories! 69g of fat…2440g of sodium!!! OH MY GOSH! I can NOT believe I chose the HIGHEST calorie chicken dish! It goes to show what I was saying in my last blog…I NEED A BACKUP PLAN! This confirms it completely.

***As I was typing this…my daughter called…asked me if I wanted a brownie from Chick-Fil-A! Ahhhhhh! I said no…I hesitated but I said no thank you!***

Ok…so have you ever had a moment that you feel WIDE AWAKE? Like someone just threw an igloo cooler of ice water down your back and your eyes are as big as they can open??? That’s me right now. I cant stop shaking my head…OH MY GOSH!

Time to get busy and burn some calories by scrubbing some floors…CRAP!

Yesterday took a turn from my original plans. In a nutshell…got a call from school and told my 17 y/o may have a broken arm…by the time he was picked up it was better and he was able to move it…he felt sore but like it would be ok. (Going to the Doctor later today to make sure tho…he is still sore this morning but was up to going to school.)

Yesterday was also my Moms bday. My plans to see her earlier in the day were bumped til later due to my sons injury. So by almost 3pm I was hungry hungry…made a poor choice and grabbed a cheeseburger and iced tea from McD’s and my daughter and youngest son headed out with me to see my Mom. We ended up going to dinner last night with my parents to celebrate. I could have made better choices but also could have made much worse. I still need to tally up my calories. By the time we got home last night it was too late to walk.

I am a person who likes to know the plan…I do much better when my day…my life goes as its “supposed” to. I admire people who can roll with it…adapt just fine when plans change last minute. That’s not me. When things like yesterday happen I almost went into a panic…I wanted to eat as soon as I knew he was hurt…I was waiting for a call from Jeff to know what I needed to do about our other boys and waiting is also something I don’t do well. While I did not eat then…my choices later with eating out and later than intended are where I fell. I think it would benefit me to have a Plan B…Backup plan for WHEN things go wrong or off schedule because I know by now that’s how life works. I guess I keep hoping life will see it my way and say, ya know…a planned day goes much more smoothly for you Debbi…I will do it your way…yeah…wishful thinking. So, I need a backup plan…a FLEXIBLE plan for when things go the way they do.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous today…Im waiting for it to warm up enough and going to open the windows. Time for Spring Cleaning over the next couple days. I do so much better when the windows are up and the music is on. Think I may start by spraying outside around the windows for the spiders…they want to share my home with me and that is not ok…spiders not welcome here.

So while I begin my cleaning I will be thinking of ways to be more flexible and more prepared when things change from the original plan. Hopefully next time I will be ready to battle the temptations better. I WILL battle the temptations better because I am worthy!

Happy Friday!