readytoemerge

Can one be so desperately clinging to the edge of the cliff and yet progress and grow at the same time? 

Yes…

I may not be successful in growing at the direction I intended at the moment…but there is growth just the same…painful growth…but growth. Like this tree I am hanging on the side of a cliff…and sometimes all I can see are the jagged rocks below or the cold water I may fall into. But then I look and realize I am still growing…I am still beautiful. I may feel weak because I have gone over the side…but I am strong because I dug my roots deep into the edge…the rock. This tree can still produce beautiful leaves and provide a home to a bird or two. Maybe even become a lifesaver to someone who falls over the edge and grabs onto a branch. Doing all that while clinging to the side of a cliff. Cant I be that also?

There are times I feel useless to others because I feel I am weak. Maybe God can still use me in my beat down stage to make a difference to someone else…maybe helping myself grow stronger in the process. Maybe I wont always grow in the direction I wanted to…but I can still flourish and do good things.

So as I hang here on the side of the cliff or mountain…wherever I am, if you feel like you too are going over the edge, reach out and grab a branch and secure your footing. I want to be here and help you the way you have helped me.

Thank you to those who extended your branches to me. I do have days I want to give up…but I wont. Remember, I am stubborn!

I have been questioning myself for days…ok weeks. What is it? Why is this? What am I doing????

I have not blogged for days and there are several reasons. One was, I just didn’t have it in me…didn’t even log on here. Another reason is because what I did have to say was nothing pleasant…nothing uplifting…just more boohoo crap. I couldn’t bring myself to blog about where I am again. I logged on…read some blogs and left a few comments but it was all I could do. Even this morning…I thought, I will just “avoid” BS till my attitude changes. Well, obviously Im here. I don’t know whats going to spill out…maybe little…maybe a lot. Its for me and anyone who dares to read.

What is wrong with me?????? How does someone learn new and positive ways over and over, only to throw themselves from the wagon time and time again? Not only am I throwing myself from the wagon but trying to jump straight into a hanging noose. WHY??? Am I that depressed? Can I really “use” that as an excuse? Am I looking for a “good” excuse? Ive got plenty of sad depressing reasons my life sucks, but is that any reason to be fat? No, I don’t believe so. Its been a CHOICE for me. WHY? Am I too lazy? Do I value myself so little? Do I just not care?

How do I go from feeling good…being on track…exercising and eating right…approaching Onederland…close enough I can finally see it and believe…and then it happens. Over and over again. I come to a screeching halt and throw my gears into reverse and begin to undo all the work that brought me so close to where I was going…WHY??????????????? What is wrong with me? I have to figure this out! I am miserable being fat. Do I secretly…unknowingly like being miserable? Im being for real here…am I some damsel in distress who thrives on bad situations?

Right now I am still at the point of not caring…I want to care about not caring! I feel very lost…very confused. Mid-life crisis? Bankruptcy? Divorce? Broken Family? My whole life was shaken and dumped upside down with lots of broken pieces. Pieces that are not fitting back right…pieces that I see no way of mending. Damnit Im pissed! I don’t want to be that bitter old woman. I just want to lay down and cry…I really don’t feel I have the energy left to keep fighting all these battles. I know God never gives you more than you can handle…But I feel like I cant handle anymore…don’t want to face anymore…don’t know how to deal with what is in front of me in respect to my life and future and in respect to this weight. I AM WEARY…Im trying to find joy and rest. The joy is always a temporary laugh…not the deep down kind. And the rest…nope…cant find it. I am hurting and I want it to stop. Why cant I take control…what is stopping me? There are things I have no control over…I have to accept it. I can not control the actions of someone else. I can not control what happens with this bankruptcy. I can not control my childrens decisions. But I have to control me and mine. I can control what I eat or don’t eat…whether I exercise or not. Why don’t I care to control those things?

I pray that something changes soon…before more damage is done. How many times have I re-lost the same weight? Do I REALLY want to face that again? I have not even stepped on the scale…I am so afraid that it will send me over regardless of a big gain or not. If it is not a big gain, I would say, guess I can still eat more. If it is a big gain, then I’d say, oh well,  I screwed up…may as well keep going! Did I get shorted in the brain cell line? Or maybe I smoked pot a few too many times in my high school days and fried the cells I need so badly now. Why is what should be so obvious, so NOT! I just want to be “normal” again. To feel and look “normal”.

This is me fighting…its all I have left. I am putting this humiliating blog out in hopes of working through this…in hopes of having something click again…in hopes of opening my tightly closed eyes.