readytoemerge

Thank you for your comments yesterday…for the honesty. Some hard to hear…but I am and will continue to read over them and let it sink in…Bottom line is you are right over all. It is hard to express why Ive held on so long and so hard. Some things cannot be put into words…we have lived things that cant be shared or understood by others…each of us has. But cutting through all that…I have to face reality and let go of the dream. Having you guys give me love, support and honesty means the world.

I told myself for years to just hang in there…keep working hard…it will all work out. I guess it is difficult after telling myself to not let go for so long …that it will be ok…to finally let it drop and die. Maybe the only way I could descibe it is to say, Imagine you saw someone you loved dearly…and the were going to jump to their death…and you grabbed ahold of their arm as they jumped…and you are holding onto that arm with all your love…with all your might…KNOWING that they are making a big mistake…a mistake that will end it all…and you cant get it through to them that there is hope…and they just slip further and further from your grasp and there is nothing you can do but watch them fall and take with them all your dreams as well. That is what it feels like. I have been mourning a long time…mourning someone who is still here on earth.

I gained 2.4 pounds this week and honestly am surprised its not more. Refocusing is going to be difficult…but I am trying. I am fighting with all my might and the love you have shown me, the support you have given and the brutal honesty are what I need.

Thank you for speaking it…thank you for caring enough to tell me. I am going to print it out and read and read and read it over.

I love my buddies! I am going to dust off…AGAIN…and drag my butt up…AGAIN…and fight this battle. Im going to lose this weight and get my life straight. I will have ugly days and days where it begins to get a little better and I thank you for sharing them with me.

I probably shouldn’t even put this out there…but this is me…this is my life…this is where I am at. It’s not pretty…it’s not upbeat or inspiring…I have to let it out…I have to stop this madness and this eating…maybe I can shame myself by exposing what I am doing.

How many? How many times am I going to have to scoop up my sorry butt from this friggin mud pit I plop in every time I see him? How many? How much devastation can a person handle? How many times before you just crack? I have not seen him in a week…talked to him daily but as little as possible. This morning we had to finish an online course for the bankruptcy. Afterwards, I needed to hear him say it…say there is no hope and we are going our separate ways. I have to put it out there…I think if he had his choice we would just go on pretending its all good. I told him we need to proceed with ending this as soon as the bankruptcy is complete. I had to say, so you’re going your way and me mine then? He says I guess so, but with an attitude…like he’s angry or upset. Why can’t he just say it…make a choice without me filling in the words. I am a person of hope…I can take the tiniest bit of hope and build something good. I have forgiven multiple times and left the door open for him…he is struggling with what he has done…the many he has hurt…and cant forgive himself to move on…so the door closes on us. I’m pissed that he took my complete family from me…my dreams. I didn’t have big dreams…just a family that loved each other. I put my life behind his dreams…his desires…and what do I have to show for it? Pieces…shattered pieces of over 20 years with someone…and all you had fought to get through and build. This Fall would have been our 25^th anniversary. I don’t know a life without him…didn’t desire a life without him…now I have to make it work. Relearn it all from the bottom up.

My eating is horrible. I turned the corner from not eating to eating non stop. I realize this and yet don’t stop…WHY? Why do this to myself? I want comfort so badly and here I turn to food again…knowing it is only temporary…knowing I WILL be gaining weight and undoing my progress…and yet I eat…not even stuff WORTH eating. If I’m gonna blow it why not fried shrimp…German chocolate cake…pizza…choc chip cookies…why not at least ENJOY it!

Yes…you a witnessing a melt down from a nut job…and I am so pissed at what I’ve become…I know I deserve to be better than I am choosing to be. I’m angry and pissy…I’m rejected and hurt…and I’m hating life right this minute. If this is what it is…why bother…why do we have to do this? Why give me a heart for one person and that person not be the same…what’s the point? Why have a life of fighting to make things work…having 4 children together to let it all go? How do I risk giving my heart to anyone again? Maybe it is safer to stay fat and lonely. I think if not for my kids I would be a recluse…this world just hurts…maybe it is time for some numbing meds…

Please don’t pity me…KICK ME!! Wake me up from this poor me pity party with crappy food and company! Speak words of TRUTH…BRUTAL HONESTY at what I am doing by making these choices. Im stubborn and it takes a two by four…

…Cause I’m going nowhere.

I cant stay away from here. I need you guys too much. I feel like everything around me is spinning out of control and Im standing frozen in the center of it all. I think for the moment I have cried my self numb…again. My heart physically aches and I just want to curl up and disappear. But I cant. Its not an option…especially as a parent. I HAVE to keep going for their sake…and eventually mine.

I have gone between not eating…to eating crap…and it shows because I feel like crap too. I have exercised twice this week…don’t ask me how cause Im surely not motivated right now. I did my Biggest Loser and I have to say, I like it so far, BUT the lunges and squats are KILLING my knees. I hear them grinding and I guess I should not be doing it. I try to modify the moves and it helps some, but my knees are hurting. Think I am ready to just get back on my treadmill.

I found another online support site…was welcomed with open arms. I think it will also be key in dealing with accepting this break from Jeff as permanent… and getting through a divorce. There is even a group for people that were married for over 20 years. But I miss you guys…you have been there for me for a long time now through this.

I need to fix this “chain” so that all the pedaling counts for something. I need to be here so that I don’t undo the progress any more than I may have done so far. I will support you the best I can and hope not to be a downer all the time. Just feel the need to be here with my “family” so I don’t choose bad paths again and wake up in 6 months weighing 500 pounds.

Bankruptcy hearing is Monday and Im just sick about it. No bites on the resumes and no luck with a car.

OK…I choose to be good to myself…to take care of myself so that I can take care of my kids. All of them will be here with me this afternoon/evening. Even my 17 y/o who for whatever reason seems to have abandoned me for his dad…sorry…stopping there. Looking forward to my time with them. Focus on the positive…focus on the blessings…focus on what I can do…what I can control. Going to try to focus on the positive today and making the best choices I can.

Love you guys to pieces…thank you for the love sent in the boosters and messages.

I let my self believe he meant something more than Im sorry with the cd he gave me. I let my wall down and exposed my heart again…and had it broken…again. I am foolish…I dont know how to let go…

I wont be on this week. I need to draw back and lick my wounds. Going to try writing in a journal and work my through it. There is so much hurt there that I dont even like writing it out…it hurts worse to speak it…to write it. I still wanted to believe in the happy ending…I know foolish…

I will be ok…just need time alone…time to sort…time to figure what to do from here. A lot of tears right now and I would be no good to support you.

I’ll be thinking of you and I will be back when I can pull myself together.

Oh…and I threw away the cd…

I am exhausted…mentally and physically drained. Yesterday was crazy and by the time I got home I was just too pooped to even get on here. Tried to sleep in this morning but the guys hunting around here lately must be in a bigger group. I don’t get woken up by one or two shots…no, now its multiple blasts of shots followed by many single shots. HATE being woken up this way on a weekend morning. I want to come to on my won terms…can you say GRUMPY!

Everything was turned in to the attorney with the exception of two reaffirmation forms on J’s vehicles and a John Deere. Would like to try and keep them especially the tractor cause it is paid off in 3 more payments…BUT, you have to show you can afford it and how do you do that without jobs?

My daughter and I went to Walmart after the attorney yesterday. I found a couple dvd’s to reward myself for reaching half way. I got Biggest Loser The Workout (its got warm up/cool down, low intensity cardio, high intensity cardio, strength & sculpt and boot camp on it). Also got Leslie Sansone Walk Slim (1,2,3 & 4 mile workouts and came with a toning band). I am excited to have something different to try. Going to try to do it tonight but right now I just physically cant do it. I picked up one for my friend Donna, that way I can do it and know how to help here with it.

Going out today to search for a car. Hope I can find something I can trust to drive.

Will be on and off here in between everything this weekend. Need to catch up on everyone. Will be giving my home some TLC this weekend too. Time to scrub some floors!

Well buddies…Happy Valentines Day…I love you guys! Enjoy your day!!

I feel the need to just first say thank you…and Im sorry! I need to get a little more control…stop and think about what Im doing before I do it. I shouldn’t have posted my last blog and I need to know where to draw my line. I guess I just don’t feel like I can talk to anyone else about these things. I don’t want my family and friends to hate Jeff…so I have not shared many many things. This leaves me feeling isolated I guess and then I come here and dump it out to you guys…not fair…on many levels. I am confused and conflicted. Guess I am trying to work it out by writing it out but I need to set some limits. My life really is a huge mess. It doesn’t help that Jeff and I both are frozen…afraid to think about working it out…afraid to move forward with a divorce and I guess this is where a lot of this continued nonsense keeps spilling from. Guess I keep hoping someone is going to have the magic solution…just like with weight loss…the magic pill…and neither exist.

I need to be a big girl and face up to these things…I am just very lost in it all. I will do my best not to keep putting you all into my twisted emotions. Its not fair to anger you or pull you in emotionally to my mess like I did. Thank you for the support and love and advice. I need to get my head straight.

Crazy busy yesterday and today will be as well. I hate missing so much here…I feel like Im missing so many blogs and catching up with you…Supporting you. No exercise yesterday unless you count opening and closing the copiers lid a million times while standing. Food…Im still staying within my points but my food choices have sucked!

Hope to be on this evening after I drop everything to the attorney. I love ya…you guys are THE best!!

Tax lady called and moved appointment back until 3pm.

Had a few minutes alone and yep…put in the cd…CRAP! Here are the lyrics and a link if I can find it.

Buckcherry - Sorry Lyrics

Oh I, had a lot to say.

Was thinking, on my time away.

I missed you and things weren’t the same.

Cause everything inside, it never comes out right.

And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die.

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue.

I’m sorry about all the things I said to you.

And I know I can’t take it back.

I love how you kiss. I love all your sounds,

And baby the way you make my world go round,

And I just, wanted to say, I’m sorry.

This time, I think I’m to blame.

It’s harder, to get through the days.

We get older and blame turns to shame.

Cause everything inside, it never comes out right.

And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die.

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry I’m blue.

I’m sorry about all the things I said to you.

And I know, I can’t take it back.

I love how you kiss. I love all your sounds, 

And baby the way you make my world go round,

And I just, wanted to say, I’m sorry.

Every single day, I think about how we came all this way.

The sleepless nights and the tears you cried.

It’s never too late to make it right, oh yeah, sorry.

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry you’re blue.

I’m sorry about all the things I said to you.

And I know, I can’t take it back.

I love how you kiss. I love all your sounds, 

And baby the way you make my world go round,

And I just, wanted to say, I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry baby, 

I’m sorry baby,  

Yeah, I’m sorry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ur3KX1PaBBI

FINALLY got the tax lady!!! At first she said she would have it wrapped up in a couple days…I told her again what I have left on the messages over and over…I have to have them NOW! I go pick them up later this morning and then I will be frantically making massive copies and gathering the rest of the info. It’s going to be crazy for the next two days! SOOOOO relieved!!

I am not sure how much I will be able to jump on here. I didn’t get to a
LOT of blogs yesterday that I wanted to.

I want to thank you guys again for lifting my spirits back up off the ground…you are all such a blessing and I love you and thank you! Thanks for the advice…especially about the tax lady…heehee!

I got a GOOD walk in yesterday…pushed myself…pushed my pace…little jogging spurts. Also spent some good time with two of my kids last night…fun and laughing…just cutting up and being silly…made me a happy girl!!

Praying I keep my power now that I have what I need to work on. The winds are fierce and I am again loosing shingles…ahhhh! We filled the bathtubs with water so if we lose power we can still use the potty…the joys of living on a well!

Oh…I planned in fast food yesterday and have a gross story to share later…serves me right!

Gonna try to catch up on a few blogs before I head out…if the power and satellite allow it. I’m waiting for the house to lift off!

I’ve had a couple things lurking around me emotionally…like a shark…watching its fin circle around me and waiting for the bite. He took me down a couple times and took a few nibbles yesterday. I’m fighting hard cause I don’t want to go under. So guess what…I’m getting ready to spill just a little so it doesn’t eat me alive or sink me. So bail now unless you have boots or waders or just plain old don’t feel like reading a whiney blog.

I hate Valentines Day now. I hate all the flippin’ commercials and stuff every where you go. It is still just like rubbing salt in open wounds. I try to push it out and say it doesn’t bother me. I try to keep my focus on being a Valentine to my kids. My heart and head still stray and it hurts. I used to like making big deals out of special days, holidays and birthdays. Now…it just hurts. The fact that PMS is coming ahead of it is not helpful.

My tax lady is not returning my phone calls. Two weeks ago she said it would be finished up by that weekend. I have to have everything copied and to my attorney by Friday for the bankruptcy and audits. If I don’t they will deny the case and throw it out. I’ve tried to stay calm…but now I’m freaking out. Tossing and turning…not sleeping well.

I have had no luck with finding a job or a vehicle. My time is running out.

Issues with kids and the problems that come about when they are going back and forth between two homes. It sucks and I get angry. I didn’t ask for this. And it’s more crap I have to deal with. I feel like I will ALWAYS be paying a price for Jeff’s decisions and actions. Always trying to fix the problems.

He brought me a cd yesterday with a song he wanted me to hear. He mentioned a little about wanting to get it and a little hint of what it was (I’m sorry). I don’t want to listen to it…it’s sitting on my desk and I just stare at it. I don’t want it to throw me over emotionally…stirring up crap. She here I go again…not wanting to hurt his feeling cause it meant a lot to him…he is very emotional about it and wanted me to hear it. (For the record I have given him a couple cd and mixes of songs in the first year or two of the separation.)

Guess I will stop here. Feeling nauseated from the stress and emotions. I am very tired. I hope getting some of this out will help me from sinking. I don’t desire to overeat right now but I know my habit is to turn to food to numb…just mindless eating. I am trying to make sure I prevent that this time. I know people have much harder issues to deal with. I do appreciate all I have. I am just frustrated not being able to control certain things…not being able to change them. So I try to focus on what I can change. And that is where I will try to keep my head. Remember I am gonna win this. I am a little blue but I am fighting hard and will come out ok. I’m still ready to rumble it is just taking a bit more effort…ok a LOT more effort…so if you made it this far thru my boohoofest, tell me…are you still ready to RUMBLE??? Still chugga chuggin along? Are we going to do this or what? Huh? I can’t hear you!!!!!!!!

Those of you who know me even a little bit by now, know I am not about denying my sweet tooth…especially when it comes to CHOCOLATE…ESPECIALLY when PMS is here. I am the type who if I don’t have what I am wanting, I will go through 20 other foods and then land on what I wanted to begin with causing much disaster food wise. While I’m not perfect by any means and never will be, I can usually enjoy a half (or even less sometimes) of a Hershey bar or a couple Kisses and be content…satisfied. I used to laugh at the thought of being able to eat half a candy bar. That was when I used to chomp it down with a big ole diet coke.

Many years back I came across a course called Weigh Down Workshop. It was a bible based class. You had a weekly group meeting with a video and discussion. And a booklet to use through the week to guide you with cassette tapes (at that time) and bible study. Basically the program taught Head Hunger vs., Stomach Hunger. I had success and loved the class. It is there that Gwen via video, taught me how to enjoy half a candy bar or a few M&M’s. I have kept several things with me from that course that have helped.  My old way to eat most things was to cram it in and wash it down with diet coke…a LOT of diet coke. I try to savor my foods more now. With chocolate…cause I am going to have it…I learned to cut or break things into smaller pieces and have a hot drink with it. One little piece at a time and let it melt in your mouth…savor it. I used to NEVER give m&m’s the chance to melt…how could they as quick as Id chomp them and be swiggin’ on the cold soda. Anyway it helps me to have a hot tea with any dessert type thing…take small slivers or bites and slow down to taste it. I find I am satisfied more often than not.Things that are helping me: 

*Eat what I want (within reason)…just make sure its what I REALLY want, not just a passing crazy desire…is it REALLY worth it? If I only had salad and boiled chicken to look forward to each day I’d go Bonkers!*Use SMALL plates. I bought salad plates at Walmart and now everyone uses them. The plate is fuller with less. I don’t feel like I got a skimpy portion. I use teacup size plates for any dessert type item. And I also use smaller forks and spoons so I don’t take big bites. 

*Plan treats in my day or week and SAVOR them! (I plan in fruit too!)  *Dish out my portion and put the rest away…out of sight…mostly out of mind. I can mindlessly go back for seconds. I am lazy so if it is already wrapped up or sealed up in containers, I am less likely to go through the hassle of double dipping. 

*Plan ahead. It doesn’t always work to do this, but the better planned I am, the less likely I am to eat just anything. So if I know what I’m having for dinner, I am mentally prepared through the day and also know when I may be able to get a little extra in here or there if my dinner is more low cal. *I try not to allow myself to get past that pretty hungry point. If I feel that hunger creeping in and it is not time yet for the meal, I grab a fat free yogurt or Fiber One bar and water. Once I pass that point of hunger, I am an animal and I just don’t care any more if I‘m being good or not. I think I tap into my “I deserve it because…” mode. 

*Of course this site is my biggest help…all of you…all of your support…all of your wisdom and lessons learned. I love that we can learn from each other.  So, all we can do is learn what works for us and avoid the things that don’t. Did you ever think something could be so difficult? Something that you think should just seem natural. I’ve seen people that it does seem that way for…in fact my daughter is one of them. 

So to PMS I say…BITE ME! I will not let TOM get me…he didn’t win last month and he wont again this time. They are toying with my emotions but they will not win. I am drinking lots of water and exercising. The walking has really helped with the discomfort and cramping that normally knocks me down. And I am enjoying my chocolate…in moderation. Happy Girl here!