KERPLUNK! I Am Losing My Marbles!!!
Did you ever play that game? You pull sticks out one by one and try not to drop any of the marble they are holding up top? I feel like the sticks keep getting pulled every time I get myself settled to hold my remaining “marbles” in place. I have tried to make this journey about honesty with myself…in order to not cover stuff up and pretend its all ok. So here is my honesty from yesterday…I screwed up! My first thought was to slink off of here for a few days…run and hide my shame. That would make it worse so here is my whiny/venty/excuse blog.
My 12 y/o started texting me yesterday…late morning. It went back and forth for about an hour. (He is not to have his phone on in school by the way so I was getting pissed). He said he had tried to call my phone from the office…I didn’t get any calls but my phone sucks so it is possible. Basically, someone punched him in the back in the hallway and because the halls were filled with kids he didn’t see who it was. He gets picked on and it breaks my heart. Bottom line tho, he was wanting me to get him out of school. The nurse had looked him over and saw nothing of concern. The office had him try to pick out who it was from pics and he could not and there was no video surveillance in that particular hallway. He got REALLY upset that I wouldn’t come get him and my heart just broke. If he was one who didn’t miss much school…I would have picked him up in a heartbeat…but he is ALWAYS trying to get out of school. My kids have been picked on (the boys), off and on over the years and it makes me crazy…I feel like I could just go bonkers because someone is hurting my child. I have tried to teach then to befriend all kids and even stand up for those who get picked on. So because they aren’t jocks or the popular group, they get harassed. To make matters worse, my son was going up to his Dads after school so I wouldn’t even get the chance to explain my reasons to him and give him the love I wanted to…to just hug him and sit with him.
Anyway, it just literally knocked the wind out of my sails…shutdown…meltdown…standby mode. I cried for a while and then just shut down…ate a little something because it was past lunch at that point…then I kicked back and took a nap. After that I basically did nothing but mope…pick at food here and there…nothing horrible and no massive amounts but just not caring. I said screw it to any exercise …after what I just blogged about moving it and doing a definite 2 miles. So there my honesty…I wussed out. I gave up and didn’t fight for what I need to do for me. I let life win and became a quitter. And I will say that this morning, Im not feeling much different…just limp. These problems shouldn’t be so difficult for me to deal with. I know it may seem so trivial to some…but its been years…YEARS of one thing after another or even buckets at once of problems and I guess I just cant handle it anymore. It ALL overwhelms me…the little and the big. I just want some peace in my life…some hope…some answers.
I need to do a little less talk…a lot more action. Flapping my lips isn’t burning calories. Being bummed isn’t helping. I feel caught in a never ending circle of problems. I know its to be expected in life…but I just feel like as soon as I struggle to get my feet under me and Im still on wobbly legs…Satan comes along to shove me back down and laugh…just like the bullies that go after my kids. I am tired…just want to not have to fight everything.
Tonight is my girls night out. Have not been out like this is over 25 years…at the moment I am not really wanting to go…but I know I will enjoy the company and getting caught up. Just really don’t want to tap into my life for discussion…I’ll end up crying.
Well…how is that for an uplifting happy ay its Friday kinda blog:) Sorry but its gotta come out.
Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend.
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Good morning! Seems like you’ve flogged yourself enough so I won’t do that. I am not even going to lecture about why you should do this and that you have to take care of yourself so you are there for the kids. Nope won’t say any of that. But I will say this - what would you do if Jesus just gave up on us because the world is so ugly?
“I’ll never know how much it cost
to see my sins upon that cross–”
Ok, well, I’m gonna try to focus on the positive from your blog… yeah, there was positive… I didn’t blink and miss it, hehe…
So, you didn’t eat horrible or binge… good
You’re going out with the girls tonight… great
You’re starting fresh tomorrow with a full 2 miles on your hangover… AWESOME!
hehe, ok, so I didn’t really read that last part in the blog… more likely I was reading between the lines :p
Hey.. Your words are heard. I think venting like this is very healthy being that your going through so much. I completely understand how you feel about your son. My little brother was picked on in middle school. He was born with a rare deformality that made him unable to correctly pronounce words, he isnt mute or anything, very smart kid but a very bad speach impetiment. He was put into special ed and the kids in public schools over here are really really mean. The things he went through, so many times I almost went down to his school ready to whip one of those kid’s asses, but kids will be kids… It all makes them stronger. We all went through it, at least I did, my mother did as a child too.
You sound really down and I am so sorry you feel this way, I hope it passes over like a bad storm, I hope your rainbow shines brightly afterwards. Try and focus on the important things in life, try consentrating on the future and not so much today or yesterday. I hope you feel better soon.
**BIG HUG**
speech impediment* Sorry about the spelling- I’m on like no sleep whatsoever
Oh Deb you are an amazing woman. I don’t know of anybody else who had they been given as many bad blows as you have wouldn’t have cracked a long time ago.
I think it was very smart to get on here instead of hiding out. I’ve done that and felt horrible when I did finally get back on not worth it. Ok so you didn’t workout like you said you were, but that was yesterday and as much as you don’t want to do it today even a half hour walk is better than nothing.
Have fun on your girls night and if you let it out and the tears flow thats ok because that is good therapy for you :o)
p.s. I’m sorry to hear about your boys getting picked on, that is such a horrible thing because it really sticks with them for life.
Debbi, No shame ! We all have things that rigger us ! Now here’s the key when Satan pushes you down try to get up again , let God pick you up and let him laugh at Satan ! I do know the pain of a child getting picked on ! I was one of them and now my 11 yr. old daughter is one of them becuse she is overweight and people are just plain out mean ! Last year a little boy slapped her and spit on her because she moved his backpack and what’s even more shocking is that the Teacher and principal said it was her fault because she moved the backpack ! Well there goes Zero Tollerance right out the window ! So I am with you sweetie ! If you need to talk I am here for you ! Thanks for your prayers ! Hugs, Kimmi
Oh Debbi,
First, let me say i’m so proud of you for coming in here and not hiding!
Picks up marbles and hands them back to you. Here, I’ve saved your marbles and now you can have them back ok?
Ok girl, now you spent yesteriday in a funk. That was your funk time and we all need that ok. Just dont waste today ok. I know you dont want to do anything as your still down. Yet, as bad as things are, with all our problems…we will make it through. Girl, I dont care if you crawl..but make some progress today ok. Take a 10 minute walk, have some good meals, have some water.
We all face problems love, thats life. Yet, we decide how we are gonna face it. There is strength in you girl, find it and use it. Easy to do, no..but possible. I love you girl, hugs. debbie
I am so sorry that you have so much going on and that it is so rough on ya! I have 2 kids both in the 8 grade and you are right kids can be very mean. how big is the school your son goes to ?
is that why he is not wanting to go to school? Maybe you can call and talk to him befor you go out tonight. You need this night out to relax and have a little fun. i know it is hard not to worry about our kids and how they are coping but just try try try and get in a walk today !!I will check back
I agree with all the previously heart felt blogs. You are a wonderful mom and just a wonderful woman, in general.
Hang in there.
Hey Debbi, I’m so sorry to hear about how overwhelmed you are! I can understand how that feels because I am feeling it right now too. Why does it seem that we are all hitting walls at this point. Everything always seems to just pile up and never get any better!
Keep your head up hun as best as possible. And I agree with the try to start out small and work up a little every day. A 10 minute walk is better then nothing!
Hey Debbi, I’m so sorry to hear about how overwhelmed you are! I can understand how that feels because I am feeling it right now too. Why does it seem that we are all hitting walls at this point. Everything always seems to just pile up and never get any better!
Keep your head up hun as best as possible. And I agree with the try to start out small and work up a little every day. A 10 minute walk is better then nothing!
LET ME TRY AGAIN. I AM SORRY YOU HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON AND MOST OF IT IS JUST UNFAIR TO SOME ONE WHO TRYS SO HARD. I HAVE 2 EIGHTH GRADERS A BOY AND A GIRL. KIDS THAST AGE CAN BE VERY MEAN! HOW BIG IS HIS SCHOOL AND IS THAT WHY HE TRYS TO GET OUT OF SCHOOL. MAYBE YOU CAN CALL ME TONIGHT BEFORE YOU GO OUT. YOU NEED THIS NIGHT FOR YOURSELF TO HAVE SOME FUN AND TRY TRY TRY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR KIDS I KNOW THAT IS HARD BUT YOU NEED TO RELAX AND HAVE SOME FUN. GET A WALK IN TODAY EVEN IF IT IS ONLY A MILE. I WILL CHECK BACK IN
Deb, is there anyway to get him into another school? Somewhere that he’ll fit in better. We moved when my daughter was a Soph. and it turened outo be the best thing we ever did, got her out of a school where she was miserable and into a place where they had things and kids that were into what she loved. Hope it works out for you, but insist that the school do something about the bulling. Take care and don’t beat yourself up.
You are a great mom, everyone gets picked on in middle school-it’s a crappy time.
My mom always said if you weren’t getting picked on and you were popular it meant you were doing something bad (drugs, sex, etc)…hahaha
Have fun tonight!!! I am excited for ya
I see you posted since about blood red fingernail polish and hard rock music! Thats a good sign, let me go see what you blogged.
Arrgh! I dont think our blogs like each other! Yours ate me this time!
You know, I almost asked you if he was being bullied at school when I wrote what I did yesterday. This is why he is sick so often. Kids can be so cruel.