readytoemerge

Had my night out last night and it was nice. One of my girlfriends sang me a song (karaoke)…I Will Survive. It was fun. Felt like an Idol Judge last night…lol! There were a few good ones…a few…ahem…not so good. One guy thought he was Trace Adkins…down to the hair and clothes…unfortunately not the voice. BUT all had fun. Actually blushed quite a bit due to gifts and party favors someone was receiving for their bday party…OH MY GOSH! Lets just say the theme must have been Penis…blush blush blush! I never imagined they made so many things…hahaha! It has been a long time, huh?

I chose Grilled boneless bbq chicken with a salad and mashed potato with cheese and a little bacon…it really was a small dish…not loaded up or anything. I turned away dessert. No drinks other than Suzie had me take a taste of a “Red-headed Slut”…it was tasty! *smacks lips*

Didn’t sleep real well last night…to bed late (for me) around 1…my daughter pounding up the steps about 3:30 (guess she fell asleep in front of the tv)…then my good ole buddies the hunters set my alarm at 6:30 with the Saturday Morning Gun Blast Palooza! You know those stress toys you squeeeeeze and the little eyes pop out…yeah…I had visions of squeezing little hunter men in the same way…mawahahahaha! I was real mean and grumpy at first but I am trying to make the choice of having a good day.

J is coming down later to swap stuff out on the cars to get the other one ready for me and to turn mine in this week. Will also be spending the weekend re-shifting again…refocusing and deciding where to put my energies. I lost 1 pound in allllllll of February. I have many, many reason and excuses behind the whys…but that needs to be corrected. This girl needs to get it together!

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Love ya buddies!

My nails are not long and pretty but I painted them up with some black cherry polish and Im polishing up my attitude (trying). Yes…I got sick of myself…my crappy attitude. Guess life is going to keep punching me in the gut so I better just get used to sucking it up.

I am going to enjoy my time out tonight (no drinking cause I am in charge of driving myself) but I do believe I will pick up some of those peach wine coolers Ive been wanting and will have them when I get home or over the weekend.

Today and over the weekend, I will be re-looking at what I want to focus on and get into gear. I do not want to keep backsliding or stalling and make no progress. I can get to goal by the end of this year…if I put my mind to it.  

Yes…I have a lot of scary crap to face and deal with…honestly, I feel like there is worse to come in regard to a few issues that I will keep silent on. BUT…I still have to live each day. I have to get strong and learn how to accept it is what it is and enjoy what I can. I have to find help for the things I don’t know how to do on my own…when Im lost like yesterday, not knowing how I should have handled a situation. I don’t like asking for help…but I need to learn. (My stomach just did a dip when I typed that…hate asking for help…but I will.)

I think I will sit down and make a list of all the things I need to deal with and a possible solution or way to go about it. Those things I can not answer…I will seek advice on.

Im 43 damnit…I need to enjoy life…I need to be a good Mom…I need to learn to value and love myself. So I start with freshly painted nails…some deep deep breaths and an attitude alignment. Here I go…again…I think this pretty much sums it up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKTiwCez6Zs

Here I Go Again lyrics
I don’t know where I’m going
But, I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho’ I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I’m looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
I’m just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love’s sweet charity
An’ I’m gonna hold on
For the rest of my days
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An’ here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
But here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go again
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An’ here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
An’ here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

Did you ever play that game? You pull sticks out one by one and try not to drop any of the marble they are holding up top? I feel like the sticks keep getting pulled every time I get myself settled to hold my remaining “marbles” in place. I have tried to make this journey about honesty with myself…in order to not cover stuff up and pretend its all ok. So here is my honesty from yesterday…I screwed up! My first thought was to slink off of here for a few days…run and hide my shame. That would make it worse so here is my whiny/venty/excuse blog.

My 12 y/o started texting me yesterday…late morning. It went back and forth for about an hour. (He is not to have his phone on in school by the way so I was getting pissed). He said he had tried to call my phone from the office…I didn’t get any calls but my phone sucks so it is possible. Basically, someone punched him in the back in the hallway and because the halls were filled with kids he didn’t see who it was. He gets picked on and it breaks my heart. Bottom line tho, he was wanting me to get him out of school. The nurse had looked him over and saw nothing of concern. The office had him try to pick out who it was from pics and he could not and there was no video surveillance in that particular hallway. He got REALLY upset that I wouldn’t come get him and my heart just broke. If he was one who didn’t miss much school…I would have picked him up in a heartbeat…but he is ALWAYS trying to get out of school. My kids have been picked on (the boys), off and on over the years and it makes me crazy…I feel like I could just go bonkers because someone is hurting my child. I have tried to teach then to befriend all kids and even stand up for those who get picked on. So because they aren’t jocks or the popular group, they get harassed. To make matters worse, my son was going up to his Dads after school so I wouldn’t even get the chance to explain my reasons to him and give him the love I wanted to…to just hug him and sit with him.

Anyway, it just literally knocked the wind out of my sails…shutdown…meltdown…standby mode. I cried for a while and then just shut down…ate a little something because it was past lunch at that point…then I kicked back and took a nap. After that I basically did nothing but mope…pick at food here and there…nothing horrible and no massive amounts but just not caring. I said screw it to any exercise …after what I just blogged about moving it and doing a definite 2 miles. So there my honesty…I wussed out. I gave up and didn’t fight for what I need to do for me. I let life win and became a quitter. And I will say that this morning, Im not feeling much different…just limp. These problems shouldn’t be so difficult for me to deal with. I know it may seem so trivial to some…but its been years…YEARS of one thing after another or even buckets at once of problems and I guess I just cant handle it anymore. It ALL overwhelms me…the little and the big. I just want some peace in my life…some hope…some answers.

I need to do a little less talk…a lot more action. Flapping my lips isn’t burning calories. Being bummed isn’t helping. I feel caught in a never ending circle of problems. I know its to be expected in life…but I just feel like as soon as I struggle to get my feet under me and Im still on wobbly legs…Satan comes along to shove me back down and laugh…just like the bullies that go after my kids. I am tired…just want to not have to fight everything.

Tonight is my girls night out. Have not been out like this is over 25 years…at the moment I am not really wanting to go…but I know I will enjoy the company and getting caught up. Just really don’t want to tap into my life for discussion…I’ll end up crying.

Well…how is that for an uplifting happy ay its Friday kinda blog:) Sorry but its gotta come out.

Hope you guys have a wonderful weekend.

I NEED to move it move it…its time to move it move it…MOVE IT! My butt that is…Cant get that song out of my head from the other night…lol! It does make you want to get moving doesn’t it? Heard it a couple weeks back in Walmart and its funny when you look around and see the different people reacting to it…from a little boy being pushed in the cart, singing and moving his little arms with each “move it” to me wiggling my butt down the isle and moving my head back and forth to embarrass my kids…heehee…bad me!

Alrighty…lets see…I did get on my treadmill yesterday. Planned on breaking my workout into two parts…morning and evening. Got 1.5 miles in and planned on getting another 1.5 last night…didn’t happen. I ended up being out with a couple of my kids running errands ands hunting down a couple books…got dinner out because of the time…then hit the grocery store. When we got back I was helping my son with homework I found STOOOPID and frustrating…maybe for some people certain things seem like no big deal, but this drug on for hours. He had to make an 18 line Ballad from a Fairy Tale. Let me just say, when your brain is tired…that is no fun. He is like me in wanting to get it just right or not grasping a simple idea because we tend to complicate it in our head…Im rambling…tired…less than 5 hours sleep…can you say G-R-U-M-P-Y?

So, tired or not I will be getting my butt in gear today. Honestly, my body is pretty sore. I think from that first night when I thought it would be a BRILLIANT idea to try the Runners program on the treadmill…definitely stirred my heel pain…my feet are not happy with me. I may do the Leslie Sansone DVD instead of the treadmill. It may be easier on my heels and shins. Will aim for a definite 2 miles.

I also have let a LOT go around the house. Ive been focused on other things or just plain mentally wiped out and not caring about sorting thru piles of papers or putting my laundry away. So, Miss Sloppy needs to kick into gear too and get some order around here. Also need to put a good bit of time into job searching today. I will be jumping off and on here. I swear I wish I could just stay on all day and read blogs. But that sure isn’t helping me out in other areas of my life…I need to find some balance…even just a little bit.

I have to be REAL honest and just say…I am struggling with motivation and emotions. Just generally feeling wiped out physically and emotionally…BUT…going to keep fighting it and fighting to make progress…digging almost constantly for that DETERMINATION. Inching forward is better than a full out backslide, right?

So Buddies…what are you going to do today to MOVE IT MOVE IT? I dare you to listen to that song and try to sit still…heehee!

…I walked 35 minutes last night. The guilt trips worked…thank you! I know I need to do this for me but for right now, I just need that extra shove to get moving again. So thank you all for the loving push!

After dinner last night the kids and I watched
Madagascar 2 (very cute) and then I got on the treadmill. The movie went longer than I had planned so if I hadn’t asked for help I know I would have bailed on the exercise.

I got a little over enthused and decided to try one of the preset programs on my treadmill…Runners Challenge…heeheehee. Lets just say that after the first 10 minutes I realized that there was not a warm-up portion included in it. Had to stop it and just start my own walk. I did keep my pace up pretty far for the remainder but then allowed extra cool down at the end. I was hurting a little (shins, heels and hips) so I did not push for 2 mile. I did get 1.75 in though and 35 minutes…so mission completed.

Tried to get on my computer to celebrate my victory and my keyboard flaked…it was wireless and was recognizing the mouse but not the keyboard. Found an old wired one this morning and finally got it to work. Now Im getting used to a different feel and there will be typos galore today on any comments I leave…so beware if you cant figure what the heck I mean by kjfpwjfmsppjk…LOL! Its one of those loud ones where it drowns out your thoughts because the keys are so noisy…Hahaha! Really!

Oh…went to doctors yesterday…he thinks my son is fine…nothing he can see but said if it continues we would try antibiotic. Don’t want that so just continuing with Advil and loose boxers :) I also had my blood pressure checked because my prescription is almost out. It was real good and he lowered it. But the best thing is he gave me 3 ½ months of BP meds FREE! That stuff cost me $112.99 for 30 days! Thank you Lord!

So thank you again my Boot Kicker Buddies! You got me off my fat behind and on the treadmill. How about today? Ashley are we on again?? Christy?? Anyone else??

Alright…I need to feel OBLIGATED to someone tonight so that I get my exercise in. I am tired and already looking for ways to get out of my exercise…excuses…wah wah wah!

So…anyone up for a challenge so to say? Just to get exercise in…at least 30 minutes. Anyone??? I need a guilt trip tonight!!!

BUT *puts on big girl panties* Im Gonna!

Time to be a big girl dammit and get back on track. I am soooo not ready…but today is the day. Time to refocus and get real with what I am doing (or not doing).

I have already battled my 12 y/o this morning with going to school. I will be taking him to the doctor this afternoon…and I hope there is nothing wrong…but he can really push my buttons. He seems fine all day yesterday and last night. Then at bedtime he starts his game play…it hurts. Really? You have been fine all day! This morning he left very po’d. Didn’t say bye…love you…nothing. He like to play this back and forth game with me and Jeff. Trying to put a stop to that but geez he is exhausting emotionally!

Guess my telling you all that was to say, after getting the boys on the bus, I wanted to come back here and stuff my face with something. But nope…not gonna do it. TODAY is the day…not later but now…not tomorrow but today.

This Friday night is a girls night out with two old friends. One I grew up with from birth and another I met when they moved in across from my family when I was probably 12. I have not done anything like this in a loooooooooooong time. Here is a pic of me and Suzie…she’s a take charge kinda girl…

Guess it started young cause she’s the one driving the boat…haha! It was parked beside our house at the time. Looking forward to it in one way…and not in another…defiantly don’t want to talk about me…I’ll get too emotional…I just wanna have fun!

Oh…one more thing. Driving home from the hearing yesterday my phone rang. It was the pastor of the church I was going to back in the Fall. Checking in on me. What did I do? Started to bawl (when does it stop?). It hit me harder because I guess I have been feeling a bit convicted about getting back there…to church. My emotions were getting the best of me. It seemed like every message was hitting home and just opening wounds…wounds I didn’t know how to heal or deal with. When you cry every time someone talks to you or asks how you are…well, I just couldn’t keep doing that. Anyway…guess God is tugging at me and I need to listen.

So…Here’s to a new day…a fresh start! Are you glad we can have fresh starts?

I have a tightness…knot in my chest…I know its anxiety but it seems to have gotten worse since this hearing.I am relieved the hearing is over. Now if all goes well it will be complete in about 60 days. Something that puts a ????? on it is the audit. May take longer because of that…just more waiting games. We were the second names called to go up. It honestly took me by surprise because when they called the names on the docket, ours was much further down. Just tried to answer questions to the best of my memory and being honest. When he said ok, that’s it I thought Wah? Did my ears deceive me? I just pray the rest of this goes smoothly.

Time to focus back on job search. The car issue may be resolved for now anyway. My car still has to go back…cant afford the payments anyway. We (Jeff) had a truck and a car…like mine but more “sporty”. I think we are keeping it as long as we can keep making payments on it and then after all is final on the bankruptcy, it can be traded in for something more “economical”. I have not wanted to drive it for a couple reasons…one being he let “the girlfriend” drive it and I have a REAL hard time with that. The other is it draws attention and Im your typical wallflower girl…heck Id rather be the glue under the wallpaper. Don’t like attention like that.

Oh my gosh…I feel like I can REALLY take a breath in and out. Maybe I’ll get some pure oxygen and get high to celebrate. I really wouldn t mind a couple wine coolers but with the kids here I wont do that.Just wanted to update you guys and now I seem to be rambling…

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART for your prayers and support! Sending much love and BIG hugs your way! Time to get back to work on me.

Kids are fighting already (yippee)…maybe those wine coolers arent such a bad idea

One of the many upcoming days I have dreaded is here. My thoughts are past this afternoon to this evening…when it will be over…the hearing part anyway. Then, Im told it will be about the end of April til it is complete.

I slept about 6 hours…took sleeping aid to help. Started the morning with a phone call…technically a Nextel beep (hate them). My 12 y/o is home for the day…issues with his “boy parts”. Hard to know when to believe him. He hates school and is always having some sort of problem. Cant deal with it today…just told Jeff I would get him here and he could stay home. After that I shoved two chocolate chip cookies in my mouth…dumb dumb dumb! Knee jerk reaction. I just ate a bowl of Total Cranberry…pretty good. Hope to set myself in a better direction that way. Honestly Im surprised I can eat at all. Probably wont eat until late this afternoon/evening. Hearing is at 1 and we have to be there a half hour earlier. I know my nerves will get worse as it gets closer. The butterflies or whatever they are are churning around right now but not horrible. Found out from the attorney on Friday that this is in a room filled with other people. We will see and be seen by everyone else in there this afternoon. More humiliation!

Today is also my parents 46^th Anniversary. I am blessed with them…I truly am! Their marriage is not perfect…but it is committed. That’s what I wanted. Oh well…not gonna go down that path. Whats done is done.

Well, by the end of the day I can at least check this off my list and look to the next “problem”. One at a time…on down the line. I don’t know how long it will stay with me, but I feel a bit of my fight back in me today…just a smidge…I want to enjoy my life.

Again…I thank you all for your support, encouragement and love. I swear I don’t know what I’d do without you. How crazy that “strangers” can become such treasured and loved friends. Your words mean so much to me…harsh or soft…serious or silly. THANK YOU! I am going to be alright! Im crying because I feel an overwhelming sense of love…I know its you…your thoughts and prayers for me. And I feel a sense of peace in the midst of my crazy, whacked out nerves…its God, telling me it will be ok…more tears…gotta go. I will be on later…don’t know how much. I think all my kiddos will be here with me tonight…

No brain activity and floppy…limp…lifeless. Where did my fight go? I want to have it…I don’t. I don’t have the energy to even fake it. I am so afraid of screwing up horribly and yet I just don’t care. I want to care. This is so stupid! I know its about making a choice…I KNOW this! Why am I choosing to not care? AHHHHHHHHHHH!

I had to find my SS card for the hearing tomorrow. Looking for it literally took all I had. I’m drained. I am scared and sick about tomorrow. I feel disgusting from my food choices and lack of exercise. Yep…I am now whining…so attractive.

This is my journey…putting it alllll out there. The good, the bad, and lately the very ugly truth of my melt down. Guess I keep hoping that if I reveal myself this way…it might help me to straighten up quicker. Like I always thought if I was on some tv weight loss show for all the world to see, would I be able to do it then…due to embarrassment or shame if nothing else? So here I am in all my glory. Got to my half way point of weight loss and now I am letting it go.

Lord please help me to help myself. Pull me from this depression and sadness. Help me to know there is a wonderful life out there and I can enjoy it so much better…so much longer if I take care of this body you gave me. I have no right to whine and cry. I have so many things to be thankful for…so many. Please help me stop this madness and value myself the way you intend.

Ive got some serious talking to do to myself…Ive got to find the courage to face these things…Ive got to get stronger…its time…digging…digging deeper than ever before…I will win this, so help me I will.