readytoemerge

…from frozen busted pipes! Yes, Laughable! The kind where you cry and laugh at the same time. What else are you supposed to do??

Last night around 9 I realized our water was out. We have a well and have had many problems over the 4 ½ years here. I checked the things I knew now to check first…nothing worked. So as I headed out through the garage to check the next thing. I walked into a rain shower…inside my garage…pouring from the ceiling in multiple places. UNFREAKINBELIEVEABLE!!!

Long story short…called J, he came down and we spent many hours in the cold searching for the source and searching for a main cut off valve. Found the busted pipe after pulling away wet drywall and insulation. Never found a cut off. Up until 1 this morning. The people that built this home we found out AFTER the fact, did a lot of things without permits and we have paid the price for it in our time here.

So this morning J is picking up the pipe and fittings needed to repair the busted area. He just called and is having trouble finding the right fitting because what they used is not CODE for this county. I really wish these people were here to have to deal with the messes they created. They put a fish pond on top of the septic tank and covered the pipes with stone and rocks. So when we had to have the tank pumped we had to find it and dig that up! LAUGHABLE!!!

Alright, on a more positive note…I talked with my kids yesterday…told them I was wrong to behave the way I did no matter what the reasons and apologized to them. Also talked to them about not lashing out at each other and pulling together especially during these times. I also had a one on one with my son about his poor choices recently. We will see if any of this sunk in.

I am really hoping for some love from the scale tomorrow. I have not let these things throw me off in my eating and exercise and I hope it shows. It big…I mean REALLY BIG that I was not chewing on chocolate or cookies during these last couple days.

Alright! Let’s see what today holds shall we??? Anyone else in need of an umbrella? I am going to dance in the rain…or the busted pipe water…

First I want to say thank you…again…from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so much for the support and the hands reaching out to hoist my fat behind up again. Just knowing someone cares…someone understands…someone supports you…it is indescribable.

I tried to come back on yesterday and read other blogs and check on you…I just couldn’t. My head was too clouded. Yesterday continued to be difficult.

I broke…couldn’t handle anymore and broke…took it out on my kids…in front of my kids…and I am ashamed. Found out that our realtor neighbor was wrong…our house is up for auction next week again…not in 45 plus days. Found out a family member has also been betrayed by her husband in the last couple years. My kids have been home…they had off school Friday for weather and Monday through Wednesday for MLK and end of term break…they fought over a friggin chair…a chair…I snapped. I begged them to hate me and not each other…begged them to support and love each other…screamed that I was stupid…made stupid choices and am now paying for them…then I slammed a couple doors and sobbed. Yep…pretty stuff huh? I truly am ashamed and uncomfortable at putting it out there…but this is my journey. This is yet another thing I need to work on. I need to find an outlet…it can’t be food. I did not let it become food…I did worse…my kids. I would rather eat and deal with it that way than to take it out on them…but ya know what? They paid a price when I did that too…I was even more unhappy and withdrawn.

So, I have stayed on track with my exercise, food and water…and that is progress…BUT what happened last night makes none of it worthwhile. I need to be strong for my kids. I can’t let that happen again…no matter how many buttons they are pushing…no matter how outrageous they are being…I TRUMPED them with mine, and that was wrong. Please keep me and my kids in your prayers.

I will be off and on here today…a lot to do in less time now.

You guys keep me sane…I know right now it probably doesn’t sound like I am…but you really do. I love you bunches and bunches and hope to get to thank each one of you today. Thank you for walking this journey with me…thank you for not running away from me screaming she’s crazy! OK…well if you are, thank you for not telling me that

From where I was…a very happy senior in high school…life was good. 

To where I went…a very unhappy…very fat…very overwhelmed…very lonely mom of four.

To where I am now…lost 50 pounds…still unhappy…still lonely…very lost.

What’s next Debbi? It’s up to you.

*You can go backwards…eat til your numb…gain back all the weight and more and disappear inside yourself.

*You can stay where you are and hope things get better and put forth minimum effort to try and maintain.

*You can get back up…make good choices…move forward seeking direction and guidance from God…trust Him but taking the steps to show it.

Why is that such a difficult choice? Why would you choose to be miserable? Fear? Depression? Anger? Hopelessness? Yes…those are there…what are you going to do about it??? It’s up to you…to YOU!

I know you want to break down…I know you want to curl up and cry…sob…let all that pain pour out and not return. It hurts and I’m tired of hurting. Tired of being betrayed. Tired of having my heart shattered. Maybe it’s just safer to stay inside my own little world and shut the door.

But what if it could be better? What if by closing your eyes to the world around you, you are missing so much beauty? I know you don’t think there are many good things left out there…but there is. Maybe, just maybe even someone you can trust with your heart again… What if you missed it because you shut down?

Trust God Debbi…Trust yourself…Get up girl…dig deep…deeper still. Love yourself enough and know this fight is worth it. Stand up Debbi…

When my daughter trips going upstairs…I always hear a slightly embarrassed “I’m ok”. It’s become laughable because it happens so often. Well, that’s what I’m feeling without the laughable…I’m tired of feeling like I keep tripping while I fight to climb up the stairs…sometimes it is because of my own issues, but mostly…lately I am tripping over what others have left in the path. I have gotten back up so many times and I guess I’m feeling a little weary at this moment. I need to regroup.

My first thought this morning was to just withdraw and hunker down in my favorite chair and be sad. I want to…but I don’t want to. I guess now is a good time to remind you that really I’m not crazy…just struggling between wanting to run away from my life and knowing I need to keep standing back up.

I did stay on track last night…ate only my 28 points. Problem is I have already used up all my weekly points from the weekend…stoooopid cake! The combonation of personal problems and TOM escalating those emotions really is making me want to be a piggy and say screw this! I know I will hate myself if I do tho…

So, today…maybe the next several days, I’m going to regroup. I need to get cleaning, laundry, etc done around here. I need to get my head in the right place in regards to what my son has done and how to handle it. Feeling very lost there. I need to keep my head up even tho I feel like satan keeps bashing me when I do. I don’t want to let him win this fight.

Wanted to thank you all for your comments to my last blog and let you know “I’m ok”. J ended up picking up the boys last night from their friends houses and my daughter stayed put at her friends. There was a 40 car pile up not far from here…2 died. More accidents and roads closed closer by. Thankful they made it safe and I didn’t have to end up going.

Going to try to read up on some blogs and then take some time to myself…regrouping.

Cause they got out! They are like slippery, squealing pigs to get ahold of too.

J called late this morning to tell me about a problem with one of our kids…not going to get into it but its not good. Enter frustration and sadness. Once they got out others followed. My emotions have been all over the place today. It was beginning to send me in search of food. I had my lunch and then a granola peanut bar. Still wanted more so I headed off to the treadmill. It helped but I still have that “need” I want filled. Reeeeeealy wanting to eat junk.

So Here I am…putting it out there and will have to face not only myself but you if I make poor choices.

Ive got to go out in a little while to pick up a couple of my kids. We got a little snow but enough to make the roads not that great. My car does not do “not that great” so we will see how it goes. At least it will get me out of here…away from my kitchen. No fast food in the direction Im going either…so thats a plus.

Yes, Yes I did! He wanted to be lazy yesterday…lay around and EAT! I said NO! We sir are getting on the treadmill. I drug him by the ear with me for 3 miles. At the end, he was whimpering in the corner like
Nancy when her honey eats peanut butta…HA!

OH No! He is not the boss of me. I AM! I decide what I will and will not do. I am not going to let some pain in my back (literally) that rolls in and out every month, control MY life! Nope! I choose my food…what choice did “he” have. I chose to walk…again, what choice does “he” have. HE is taking a joy ride on MY body…I’m steering this ship baby! I even ate FRUIT watching the game last night! FRUIT! HAHA…TAKE THAT!

*SNAP SNAP SNAP* I think he is crying…heehee!

I have not lost it…really J

On another note, I have been trying to search for a picture of me at my highest weight. So far it’s a no go. I was VERY skillful at avoiding cameras. I was going to post some before and half way (almost) pics. I still don’t like having my picture taken but guess I will get someone to get a current one too. I have one from Christmas but wasn’t real happy with it. I wonder if that will ever change…I’m VERY self conscious.

Anyway…It’s a new day! I am in charge of my body…not TOM…not my emotions. What are YOU choosing to do today…WHO will you let control your actions??? Choose wisely grasshopper! Have a SUPER day Buddies! SMILE OFTEN!!

Well, the NEED to feed hit yesterday afternoon/evening. And this morning I realized why. TOM came early and uninvited! It’s funny how I can always say “AH! That’s why I was so hungry”. Yet it never seems to make sense at the moment…in the feeding frenzy. At that point I am freaking out and trying not to go too bonkers.

Now I just need to learn what to eat within my calorie guidelines as TOM begins his fatal attack. If I can keep that under control somewhat it will be progress. I’ve come to understand that for me at least, when that “Need to Feed” comes each month, it is because my body REQUIRES more in preparation for the upcoming days of TOMS’s visit. OK, so that’s fine, as long as my body can process and burn it off as well.

With the birthdays over for now, at least cake will not be in the house next month. I need to plan ahead. I need to have foods in the house that will please TOM and also please my body when scale time comes. I need to take a close look at what I ate yesterday and find limited or healthier versions to plan for TOM’s next visit. He is VERY demanding. He knows what he wants and overtakes my body making my hands grab the food and my mind say must have it!

So, as much as I dislike TOM…he is a “guest” and I will try to keep him happy…thus keeping myself happy. He will be gone shortly so I will be nice…maybe…but I will also encourage him to leave sooner by exercising even though I’m totally miserable right now. We will go for a walk, TOM and me…

Despite my bad food day last Saturday, I was looking forward to my weigh-in this morning allllll week. It was a let down. A gain of less than a pound but I worked hard all week and thought it would show.

Maybe its PMS…maybe its too much sodium…maybe its muscle from the walking. MAYBE I just plain old did so much damage last weekend that I couldn’t make up for it.

I am sad…disappointed…BUT, I will not let this set me back further.

This week did not end as I had hoped but I will not consider it a failure. I’ve made a lot of good changes…A LOT! I exercised 6 of the 7 days…walked 2-3 miles 5 of those days. I journaled and tracked all my points & calories. I drank water…LOTS of water…an average of 120 ounces per day. I ate fruits and veggies. To me that is success!

Today will be busy…my daughters birthday. At her request we are GRILLING burgers…outside…its 10 degrees…heeheehee! We’ll do anything for a grilled burger! I will track ALL my food. I am getting ready to get on the treadmill and then get busy around here.

Like I blogged last night…

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP ON DANCIN’…That is EXACTLY what I intend on doing! How about you? Did you have a bad week? What are you going to do about it???

Come on…lets DANCE into next weeks weigh in!!    

Ive just read a couple blogs…and SO many of you are struggling with things…so many are sad and hurting. I wish I could HUG you all and I feel this is my way to do it. I blogged about this song last week but feel lead to post it again…if it only helps one…

Ive included the lyrics and a link to a video someone did to the song. Video is corney but crank it up and listen to the words…let it fill you up…lift you up.

Big hugs to all of you…especially those hurting.

Alright by Mercy Me
If you had a dime for every time it rained…on this parade you’re marching in called life. You’d
start to wonder if someone out there’s got your number…well, hold your head up, breath in deep, remember. ooh ooh you know it’s gonna be alright ooh ooh you know it’s gonna be alright.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPhnKcSE6JE

I want to wear shorts THIS summer! I used to wear shorts…even when I was bigger…even indoors through the winter. But there came a point I stopped.
Capri’s were as close as I’d come for a long time. I have even bought shorts in the last couple years, but when I put them on and see my fat cottage cheese thighs take them right back off. There is nothing quite like walking around in heavy jeans in the hot, humid summer as you watch everyone around you…young and old…prance around in shorts.

With the walking, my legs are starting to take some shape again…a NICE shape to the thighs…not just blobs. My thighs resemble THIGHS! Yes, the cottage cheese effects are still there yet are improving.

So ya know what? I want to wear shorts this summer. That is one of my goals and I think I can at least come to a point where I’ve worked hard and done what I can do by then to slip on those shorts and walk out into the publics view, or at least a passing car, and not run to hide.

Well, I am getting ready to head out and do some errands. Already got some boxing and step in on the Wii. Will be in and out today. The LAST of the kids birthdays…my daughter…is tomorrow and then I’m banning cake and ice cream for a good while! Its been a pretty good week food and exercise wise. I am looking forward to pulling the scale out tomorrow.

Have a WARM, WONDERFUL Weekend buddies!