readytoemerge

Ok, so the scale went down and I am happy about that, but again I was hoping for more. Especially after the tweaking last week…adjusting my points/calories and making sure to measure my foods to “reacquaint myself” with the proper portions. I was really hoping it would be a bigger drop down. But its not and I will accept it. 

I spent the morning doing some more fine tuning…trying to find that just right balance of calories for my stubborn body. Made myself a excel worksheet trying to track the weekly averages on my calories and points. The week that I lost 4 pounds I ate about 1603/week. This week my average was 1517/week and i lost 1.4 pounds. I have had too many in past weeks and I think last week, too few. Balance is difficult for me. I am one who struggles with the all or nothing attitude. Easy for me to eat nothing as opposed to a little or just eat everything. I also took another look and made sure I am being HONEST with myself…no little oops I forgot that or heaping portions instead of level ones.

 Does anyone remember Justin Wilson…the cook…had a show on tv? He would crack me up cause He would be making a dish…adding ingredients and say…1 T. of butter…maybe 3…1/2 cup of this…maybe 1. He would seem to increase the amounts and it just made me smile. Oh and the way he said Onion…love the accent. I think thats what I do…add a “little” extra in. *Wow…I’m all over today.* 

Overall I have been a “good girl” in this last month and I guess it’s why I am discouraged. I guess another part may also just be another slam in the aging body issues.

 Alright…enough of that! The GOOD NEWS is I met my Christmas Challenge 2009 Goal for this month. My goal was to be at 215. I weighed in at 214.4…GOAL MET! CHECK! 

I went out last night in hopes of finding a couple exercise dvd’s. Wanted to find that 30 Day Shred everyone is talking about. I am by myself this weekend and can do a tv workout without being embarrassed…ok truth is I still feel embarrassed but at least no one is seeing it :)  I couldn’t find anything I wanted in that little Walmart so I may head out again today and look. 

Going to post those recipes today too for anyone interested.Have a great Saturday! 

Do you consider yourself to be an honest person??? I do…very much so. Truth is very important to me. Especially after the couple years I’ve had. I have had a few betrayals in my time…not just with the husband…but so called “friends”. I really do not like liars!

Guess what I realized yesterday? I…am a LIAR! Yep…me. A big fat liar! A liar to you…No! A liar to my family…my kids…No! I have been a liar to MYSELF. I am honest with others…but to myself…not so much…at least until recently.

Here are where my thoughts were. I lied to myself in order to survive as a fat woman. I had to tell myself…its not that bad…you’re not that big…I’m not hurting anyone. (Ya getting the picture). I couldn’t look at myself fully in the mirror…I diverted my eyes to see only what was necessary. Make sure everything was covered up and that my skirt wasn’t tucked in the back of my pantyhose. I am still having trouble with it but its getting better. I have trouble looking at people when I go out. I normally try to focus on what I’m doing and not on the people around me. I am TERRIFIED of running into someone I used to know or dated. I would lie to myself in order to be able to go out to the grocery store and not feel ashamed of what people must think at the crap I put in my cart. Oh…I have a BIG family…it’s for my kids…3 growing boys ya know…not for me. Please! I hid a lot of the crap so I could eat it ALONE! Yep, the fat woman in me cannot survive with truth…that is why she has fought so hard…she wants to stay in this fat Cocoon…it’s safe in there but only because of the lies.

I have hurt myself more than anyone else could have…I betrayed myself. But no more.

The light is shining inside that Cocoon and beginning to light up all the dark places…all the little creases where lies can hide and thrive. The fat lady is starting to shrivel up. She has been revealed and I am calling her out. It’s on BABY! No more of you controlling the me that got lost and buried underneath your big behind. NO MORE! I need Truth…I need Light…I need to be Honest with myself. Sometimes that honesty hurts…it can be painful…but it has to come out in order to gain strength. It has to come out so the BEAUTIFUL person inside can come out…that butterfly…the one trying so hard to grow strong and escape the dark cocoon and FLY…FLY BABY FLY!

Are you being honest with yourself? Are you ready to FLY?

…What are you going to do about TODAY???

I can’t tell you how many years I said I would start my diet on Monday or January 1^st or the most Famous…TOMORROW! And what then did I do to prepare for that “diet”? I ate like a piggy. Trying to get alllllll the things I would not be able to have again in life…ever, ever, ever. Oh what a sad day…me and my mourning, my pity party and my food. Leave us alone and let me eat in private.

Sometimes the “diet” would start the next day but rarely lasted long. So what happens again? Set a new day to start which means…you guessed it…another FINAL goodbye to foods that I will never ever get to eat…boohoo! I wonder how many pounds I packed on in my preparing to start a diet??? It sickens me to think of it.

So…what about you? Are you going to fill today with excuses? Or stuffing the food down in preparation for starting tomorrow or someday? Or are you going to make the most out of today? It is all up to YOU…we have that choice even if our selection to choose from is not the best, we still can do our best. It doesn’t have to be filled with deprivation and massive exercise to do well. Just start by making the right choices.

What are you going to do with TODAY?

Just got my satellite connection back after all day. I was begining to get a twitch…ya know the crazy eye thing I dont like it when I can’t get my BS fix. We got ice on top of the small amount of snow and my satellite dish was unhappy!

Got it back now tho…YIPEE!…and Ive got lots of reading to catch up on!

I was. I was a daily scale user…sometimes multiple times…an abuser…in multiple ways. An abuser in the sense that I would base my eating on what the scale read. Even If I was following a plan…if that scale looked good…I would allow myself a little “extra”. I would abuse by manipulating the scale. For example if it had a higher reading than I wanted…I would not eat or drink for a while…pee myself out…and maybe even get exercise in too. Then weigh and wow, that was a nice difference. Guess I can go eat now.

I let the scale reading dictate how I would behave with the food. No wonder it took so long to start losing this weight!

I decided about 6 weeks ago to hide the scale from myself. I just tucked it under the bathroom sink cabinet…out of sight…out of mind (mostly). I was afraid I would not be able to do it. I did have the urge to peek the first couple days…but I felt something else stronger. I felt FREEDOM! Yes I did!!! I did not realize how bound to the scale I was and when I made that change it felt good. It really felt as if a burden was lifted from me. I started to TRULY focus on following my food plan. Making the right choices and KNOWING my focus was in the right place…not on the scale reading of the day. That scale had its priority level knocked down quite a bit. He is no longer King of my home. I will not serve and cater to him any longer. I am making choices based on me. I KNOW I am doing well based on MY choices and not what the scale said.

I have an occasional urge to peek when its not weigh day…had a tiny twinge this morning…but I did not. And there have been times I have been a little unhappy with the weekly reading…BUT, I know where my choices were and they were not based on that scale.

I have to ask you to consider it…consider putting the scale away for 1 week and just see if you are not a happier person. Come on…what can it hurt? Try it you may like it. If you’re anything like me (stubborn) you will take the attitude of not letting that flippin’ scale rule your world! Come on…put those hands on those hips…cock that head and get an attitude…I know you wanna :D

Quick note…AUCTION CANCELLED AGAIN!! School cancelled too (yippee). Busy day again but you know I will be here way too much..heehee!

Have a BEAUTIFUL DAY BUDDIES!

Into a marriage and then especially after kids came along I began accepting being last…putting my needs, myself at the bottom of the list. I mean, isn’t that what we as spouses and parents do? We take care of others out of love. When a baby comes along and is completely dependent on you are you going to say…sorry little one…Mommy needs to take care of ME, you’ll get your bottle and clean diaper when I’m finished. Ah…NO! And so it begins…we shift our needs and well being to the “if I get time” list and we know that never seems to happen because life happens. We become ok with throwing on sweats, pulling the hair back in a quick ponytail and maybe not getting a shower that day. I mean we are just gonna get puked on and have our hair pulled, right? Why bother trying to look nice when you are up to your elbows in poo diapers and baby vomit? Before you know it you are bigger than ever.

For me I had a lot of built up anger and resentment because so much fell on my shoulders alone. So of course more eating came with that. It seems as unselfish as I am…as I thought I was…I was EXTREMLY selfish in one area…FOOD! That is where I tried to make it all better…to sweeten the bitter resentment. Then I found out food also had numbing powers…even better!

It’s a hard reality when we come to see what we ourselves have done to our bodies. We can blame it on so many things…but when you break it down, it all comes back to us and our choices. After the realization comes the action…taking the steps to put ourselves as a priority. I have come far in learning this…but I still struggle. It doesn’t take much sometimes for me to hop in the back seat again and think I will get to my stuff later.

That happened yesterday…really nothing major but I let my plans change so as not to disturb people. Figured Id just get my exercise in later…nope! Miss Violet came for a visit…such a sweetheart! After that came dinner…and by the time it settled enough for me to workout…I was pooped! (Not getting the best sleep). OK…so Im not making excuses…just trying to be aware of the whys and changing it. I need to be a priority without feeling guilty…I got extra helpings of guilt when God made me…don’t know why…I think it runs in the family.

Anyway…I guess I am just talking this out…trying to understand it to change it. Trying to make sure I don’t fall back in the old patterns.

I guess bottom line is…life will happen and I will have days I miss taking care of me…BUT, I have to make sure that one day does not turn into two and three and so on.

I did well food-wise yesterday…just not exercise and water-wise. Today will start with exercise as my priority. We are getting our first “measurable” snow today and tomorrow. Nothing major…I think up to 5 inches or so. School has been cancelled (a sarcastic YIPEE from me). Maybe I will play in it today…it’s been a long time.

I hope this blog doesn’t sound depressing or down…I am not…I’m still dancing! Have a great day buddies!!  Boy…Ive got a lot of blogs to catch up on

I feel like I am still dancin’! I don’t know what has gotten into me…but at the moment I feel happy and optimistic. I won’t go into the extremely LONG list of why I should not feel this way…just believe me, there are reasons I could tie a cement block to my own feet and jump in the ocean.

Here is my weekend success list:

* 2 pound loss at Saturday weigh in (yes I wanted more…but still a success)

* Fun family time without over indulging on food (just laughter)

* Did not use all my weekly allowance points in one day or the weekend (as a matter of fact, I didn’t get in 2 of my daily points yesterday…hope that doesn’t bite me)

* Got walking in both days

* My boys got along (overall)

* NO REGRETS!!! Biggie here…no food regrets!

* Water is flowing…IN the pipes…no more busts so far!

I have much to accomplish today, but trust me, I’m sure I will find my way here much too often… I am a BS addict after all! They are calling for some weather tonight through Wednesday and I want to get some good foods in the house too. Auction is to take place Wednesday…hummmmm, wonder if it will cancel again.

OK BUDDIES…live life today with NO REGRETS and don’t forget to HOLD THAT HEAD UP AND KEEP ON DANCIN’!!!

I ate a chili dog, a small bowl of chicken chili, a square of cornbread…a thin slice of chocolate bundt cake, 2 squares of pumpkin spice cake AND a small serving of blackberry cobbler!!! I drank….oooooo I drank…unsweetened iced tea! I enjoyed every minute of it…And YES, I WAS a good girl!!

I used my daily points and then used 6 of my weekly WW points to do it. Not bad at all! Still working on the actual calorie count but need to enter a few things to get it. The hot dog was fat free on a lite bun. The chicken chili was a WW recipe my Mom made and OH SO YUMMY! Both cakes were recipes received through WW members. I did not feel deprived…everything had wonderful flavor and it felt good to enjoy it.

What feels even better is waking up without remorse and regret. That is powerful! The last several weekends (due to the multiple birthdays) I used all my weekly points in one afternoon/evening. So yeah…I’m feeling good!

It is wonderful to sit around a table, play some games and just laugh and catch up with everyone. There are always funny stories…like my cousin who went to get a choc chip cookie from a package after lunch. She opened it up and picked up what she thought was a lone choc chip…put it in her mouth and it crunched…and then a very bad taste…indescribable taste…she pulled it back out…it was a stink bug…hahaha! She ran to the sink…and stuck her mouth under the faucet. She said next time she would make sure to have her glasses on.

Annnnnyway…guess my point of this blog was, you can enjoy life without having to regret a night of food and fun. I drink on rare occasion, but my family is not one of drinkers. We are plenty goofy enough without it and I can’t imagine the trouble we would find ourselves in if we did…we find enough on our own!

Enjoy your Sunday! Live it with no regrets!!

Weigh in this morning…scale was down but not as much as I had hoped for. I was down 2 pounds from last week BUT last week was up .8 from the week prior due to TOM. So honestly I was looking for better today. It is down tho so

I was setting up my weekly goals this morning and decided I need to take a closer look. There is DEFINATLY some tweaking to be done. Its not always easy being honest with myself but I tried to look closely at the areas I need to improve.

One is I will be weighing and measuring all my portions this week. My mind has a tendency to add a little to the proper portion just eyeing it. Also, I went back and refigured where my daily points should be and found I had been eating 2 more point per day than I should have. I forgot that as you lose it has to readjust and I had failed to do that. Finally I am going to throw in some new exercises…nothing major just something different. Still going to keep my walking tho because I really feel my body changing from that.

So that’s my plan for the week and I feel ready to tackle it.

Oh, quick note on the plunging…I have taught them how to plunge…sometimes I would just rather not have them fligging poo water all over…it grosses me out. This last time my 17 y/o did try and couldn’t unleash the beast he buried! Nice breakfast topic huh? Heehee! Sorry!

Have a great Saturday all! Going to a Family Game Night tonight and looking forward to a heavy dose of laughter! Just need to control my hands and mouth around the yummy food. I’m taking a low cal Pumpkin Spice Cake and maybe a fruit salad. ENJOY your day buddies!

FINALLY! I have water again. As soon as Jeff would find and repair one busted pipe…there would be another. The way these people did what they did was just WRONG. But after all last night and all day today I now have running water and Im downright GIDDY! There are still puddles in the garage if anyone still wants to come play with me

Did well with eating…did get Subway for lunch but got what I could have and going to try the Chicken Fried Rice tonight that Chris gave me a link to. So I should be really good on points. The only thing I have not done is gotten my water in and still to do my exercise.

Which reminds me…how many calories do you think you can burn plunging the toilet in the boys bathroom??? I broke a sweat…haha! For real?

Well, going to try to catch up on some blogs…just wanted to share some happy news for once