readytoemerge

…to remind me just how badly I want this fat suit off! It’s pretty bad to be all alone in a room…door shut…and still humiliated and embarrased by the jiggly, bouncing fat as I exercise. It’s those moments I could go one of two ways.

One…the one I have most obviously choosen far too often, is the CRAP…I’ll NEVER be any different…why waste energy and time…why break a sweat. May as well go eat til Im numb and dont care and then on top of it watch of bunch of pointless tv to DISTRACT me from my “issues” and my life.

Or Two…I am working hard…I CAN do this…I AM WORTH IT…MUST push through this and not give up.

Anj’s blog yesterday, about the little girl, Hannah…has really got me thinking. I can get so totally wrapped up in my little life…my little problems. Yes, we all have our crosses to bear so to say. And being that it is our lives…personal, up close on a daily basis, we do get our blinders stuck on and forget about the bigger issues around us. How much more of my life am I going to waste on losing and relosing this weight? Yes there are deep issues…many reasons to be worked through to get to the root of it. Not to mention a LOT of old habits to break. But, I need to not be so absorbed that I cant be useful to other situations around me. I need to do something good with my life and take nothing for granted.

There are so many reasons to live a healthier lifestyle. It is important. But I also dont want to look back on my life and see that I spent most all of it fighting food and fat. Thats not what I want to look back on at the end of the road…heck, its not what I want to look back on now and see…but it is…

I want to make a difference…in my life…my childrens lives…my family’s lives…in strangers lives and I want to make a difference for God. To be used by Him. I cant wait any more until I think I am “useable”. Its got to be now.

Well…I think Im finished preaching to myself. Sometimes just getting it down in black and white makes a difference.

Time for me to be useful…

YOU are what makes this journey sweet and compliment the basics of my “peanut butter” so well! I have the staples…the basic knowledge and know-how…SOME of the good stuff…the “peanut butter”. You all bring the thing thats completes that plain peanut butter sandwich SO VERY WELL.

I have know since I started here, how very important the Buddies here are in the weight loss journey…I knew it loud and clear. Being away from the site for this brief time only confirmed it.

I TRUELY miss you and reading up on how you are doing. And no denying I miss the support you give as well. I have serious doubts as to whether I could finish this process without you all at BuddySlim…but even if I were able to do it on my own, I sure wouldn’t want to.

For the past week I have not eaten well or exercised. I knew there would be a gain and did bring out the scale to confirm my 2 pound climb. I put it right back again until Saturday and I FULLY intend on losing those nasty critters right away.

I have been chained to the desk and getting paperwork in order for a week. In saying that, I mean even on the weekend working 12-15 hours/day. I managed to get a large portion of it done but still have some to go. I will be back on here more now than in the last week and thank goodness, cause I NEED you all.

I got a little time in this morning on the Wii…boxing and stepping. And I am planning back to C25K tonight altho I may need to go back to the first week series.

Hope you all are doing great. Cant wait to catch up on you guys. Hope to be on more this evening…AFTER my workout…Im bribing myself…If I work out, I get my BS

Hi! Just wanted to give an update and let you know I’m not trying to fade away.

Last couple days have been hectic…stressful…very busy. The next couple weeks will be very crazy (not including Christmas). The next couple months are going to be hard. IT has begun. IT being the financial issues. I wont go into detail but I’ve been on pins and needles the last 4 months or so after things collapsed with the business. Never knowing what exactly to do…how much time I still had in my home. Things have finally begun happening and I can’t be on here like I was. It’s only been a couple days and I already am going nuts not being on here and not checking in with you all to see how you’re doing. I’m going to try to get on here tonight for a bit. I’ll be working straight thru the weekend trying to get info gathered for a legal issue on Tuesday.

I’m scared about whats coming. I’m not just trying to get out of things…it is the ONLY thing we can do. I hate it.

On a positive note, I have continued my exercise and began the 2^nd week of C25K…UNCLE! As far as eating, I have stayed within my point range although I have used most all of my weekly extra points. I’m not sure how that will translate on the scale tomorrow. I was initially trying for another 5 pound loss this week but the choices I’ve made in food have not been great either. Stress SUCKS! I am still very determined but I am feeling more and more depressed. Having a hard time focusing on all the paperwork.

Well guys, I guess I’ll leave it with that. Just know I’m thinking about you…REALLY wishing I could be on here to support and cheer you on but for the next couple weeks it probably won’t be much.

Please keep me in your prayers. I need strength to keep standing cause my knees are pretty weak right now.

LOVE & MISS YOU ALL! Have a great weekend

Anyone seen Ruby on the Style channel I think it is? I do LOVE that girl The opening song has the words “I can if I think I can…”. Well as I ran yesterday morning towards the end, I wanted to stop. But I gave myself a little lecture and began repeating (in my head) those words…till I finished. Time to start believing in myself. Time to squash the self doubts and the I cants. I repeated the first week routine again (even tho I completed my 3 days last week) and actually I feel like on my next C25K day I will go on to the 2nd week. I noticed progress. It felt good. I think the fact that I was in a pissy mood…tired and angry, actually played to my benefit. At least for the workout.

I shed more tears yesterday…in J’s arms…man it hurts. I did not turn to food for comfort tho…yay me! Cant say it doesnt cross my mind. My thoughts teeter back and forth between wanting to pig out to numb…my Novocaine(now Ive got Bon Jovi in my head)…and not having an appetite. So I ended the day with 2 Points left on my daily (which added up to about 1340 cals on my SP tracker). I did not get ANY veggies in or fruit unless you count the ones in Raisin Bran That was not good, I know…but somedays you just have to focus on all you can and do the best with it.

So all in all my day was successful…exercise in, food tracked, water in, calories in range and I voiced some of my anger…followed by crying.

Last night was another restless one even after taking 2 Simply Sleep pills. I am tired…again…yuk! Despite the lack of sleep, the anger, the sadness, I WILL stay on track again today AND get in my fruits and veggies.

OH…One AWESOME thing…my 13 y/o son is now interested in the C25K!!! He did the first run last night and really likes it. He has some weight issues and he watches the things I do in regard to food changes…now the exercise!!! WAHOOO! Happy Dance, Bootie Bounce and a Shimmy!

My exercise today is Wii fit…boxing (guess who I’ll be thinking about), step aerobics and I will do my balance ball exercises.

Hope you all have a HAPPY day

Last night was the second night in a row of little to none on the sleep. I went to bed both nights too late to take a sleep aid and I am paying the price. I am soooo tired, no energy, my eyes are burning like crazy. And I keep swapping out my sleepy eyes for my ANGRY eyes…

 Yep…Im packin’ my Angry eyes. When you toss and turn all night it gives you plenty of time to reflect on the negative things…the dark likes to stir those things up and remind you how lonely you are. Enter the anger…and Ive got a list rolling off in my head. I need to get it down on paper and deliver it to the appropriate person

The anger brings another issue for me that is only intensified by the lack of sleep. When I am angry, I could rip into a bag of anything and just start muching…chomp, chomp, chomp! Taking the anger out on food…chewing it to the little tiny bits. Sometimes even feeling like, Huh…I’ll show you! For real…show you what??? That I can gain weight and eat like a hog?? Then after the angry chewing comes guess what? Boo hoo…poor sad me…now I need something sweet and comforting. Something warm and soothing. So pile on more fat for padding. Guess what Debbi…That kind of padding doesn’t stop hurt. It’s not a magic shield to protect from feeling things…hurt is powerful and seeps right through that kind of padding.

Nope…Im not going to do it. Im not going to give myself the right to eat because my life hurts. Not today…

I do not want to face this day…and I do not want to face it without numbing food to see me through it…BUT, I’M GOING TO. I am going to get in my C25K today…I am going to track my food, every bite…I am going to drink my water…and I am going to put these emotions on paper and deal with them like a big girl.

Im challenging you today too…if you are feeling like you woke up on wobbly legs and not sure you can do it, you can. I challenge you to get through this day…ONE day.

LETS DO IT!

My weight ticker that is. Still working on me

I did decide to go back and enter my previous weights going back to June 2007 when I hit my all time high of 269. It’s been a long road and I want to be able to see the whole picture. When I get discouraged, I want to see just how far I’ve come. Yes…it has taken quite a while to do it, but considering the hellish places my life has been and continues to go, it’s not bad at all. I am an Emotional Eater. The ONLY emotion where I lose my appetite is devastation. Everything else…I want food, especially to comfort. I have needed comfort and not turning to food to help as I lick my wounds…not easy. So I continue to seek the balance between not eating and eating non-stop.

I want to thank you all because being here with you, your love, your support, your comfort, your inspiration and encouragment…Well it makes this journey so much more bearable. If it were just me, I may have already quit and regained again. Being here, if I feel like quitting, it sure doesnt last long. I would love to be at goal already, but Im ok with the longer path because I have you to keep me company…and you are GOOD company!

Im learning things about myself and food along the way. Because my skull is “thick” it tends to take me a little longer to absorb the knowledge…especially when its something I DONT want to learn…like McDonalds is not healthy…haha! Slowly but surely I  am getting there…with you…and I am so very thankful to be a part of this group. Love you all!

HAVE A SUPER SUNDAY!

I am back on track baby…WOO WOO! Ive been chugga chuggin’ all week and the scale was good today! I lost (re-lost) the Pumpkin pie weight and FINALLY dropped below 220. Just barely but it is below…after over a month of having it within reach and not being able to get there. Now, I am on this train and ready to roll! Next stop 215, my mini goal.

Actually, Id like to zip past 215. I want to get there but not linger. This probaly sounds CRAZY, I know, but remember who is writing this The last time I was at 215 was when things had turned from very bad to worse. A lot of unpleasant memories with that number. I know its silly but I cant not think of being at that weight and not think about that horrible time and then watching myself gain all over again what I had lost then.  I went back up to 269 by June of 2007. I was within reach of 200 and then 8 months later was within reaching 300! It has been a battle ever since to get back here…to again be within reach of dropping below 200.

Ive been wondering…Is there a way to reflect my highest weight 269 as my starting weight on here? I would love to show my total progress because it is 50 pounds so far!! 50! Its been a long road and still a long way to go…but I want this sooooo bad. You guys are my support and I am so very thankful to have found my second home.

So…who wants on this CRAZY TRAIN??? I love this song and it gets my butt moving…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF2inhZO2Ys

First of all…

I am so very thankful for the loving support and advice yesterday. I cried as I read your responses and I thank you for sharing your hearts with me. I honestly dont know the words to express what I feel for you guys…I can just say Thank you from my heart.

I did a lot of crying and reflecting yesterday. I have a lot more digging to do. This weekend I plan to continue. The good news is, I did not numb with food. And, I got in my 3rd day of my first week on C25K. Baby steps, baby!

Tomorrow is weigh day for my team…so I will be bringing out the scale. Its funny because as much as Ive had urges to weigh, I am also dreading getting it out. I really am afraid that if the numbers dont reflect not only my efforts but also how I am feeling about myself, then it will be a BIG negative. Right now I am feeling positive about my progress this week and am physically feeling the changes.

Again…you all are the best. Im sorry for putting things out there like yesterday…but I need to for me AND it sure helps to get feedback and support. It helps me more than I can express.

Yeah…I tried real hard to sabatoge my efforts last night. I battled myself for several hours…debated on making brownies or worse. I did 5 points worth of “damage”…and really I have my weekly flex points so I didnt really do damage…YET. If there was anything worthy of having in the house, I would have. I had two things screaming my name…Peanut Butter Fudge (homemade of course) and German Chocolate cake. If I could have gotten my mitts on either of those two things, it would have been all over.

I was (am) sad and hurting. I keep pretending these problems circling me dont exist in order to get through another day. Then some days are so in your face there is no avoiding it.

December 4, 1982…I meet J face to face for the first time. We had already been talking on the phone for a couple weeks. I was on restriction and unable to meet him prior to that night. I was actually still on restriction that night, but my parents allowed him and a couple others to come over and hang out. We spent several hours sitting at a picnic table in a little park that backed up to my house…in the cold. That night before he left he asked for a kiss and I swear I can still remember that moment, that feeling, that kiss so clearly that it gives me butterflies to this day. This day is hard for me because it stayed a special day for us through the years…now its just awkward…

I feel hurt…broken…angry…betrayed…love…hate…disgust…never want to see him…miss him when he is gone…devastated…confused…conflicted…

I want to BURY those feelings…deep deep deep. I always use food to do it. I know it doesnt solve the problem and makes my problems and butt bigger…I know this…but it also NUMBS me  for a moment. Yes, Ive thought about alcohol and drugs to numb the pain…more than a few times…but Im a Mom…Im the “responsible” one…so I numb with food.

This is so hard to write…Im in tears and shaking and can barely see the screen…Im pissed and I dont want to feel like this anymore. Lord please help me…show me the way out of here…out of this pain…

I cant keep doing this to myself…I cant keep undoing the progress.  I need to dig deep right now. I need to get through this moment in order to get through the next one and the next one.

Im sorry…I need to get this out…I need to heal…Im ok…I will be ok

For real…do they make butt support? It hurt when I was doing the running portion of C25K. Not muscle hurting …well maybe deep muscle…being ripped from my body with each thunderous jolt downward every stride. I know there are the slimming undies that are more snug, but do they make something that will be comfortable joggong in that will lend support to my well endowed behind??

Also on the bra note…what is the trick to not inflicting injury to ones neck (or other parts) when putting on or removing the lovely sports bra??? That booger just wants to roll up and rip my head off like a slingshot. I have struggled with it before and thought it may be easier now that I have lost some weight…the answer is NO.

On a positive note, I stretched prior to my warm up walk and slowed my jog pace down to about 3.5 mph. (The first day I was between 3.8 and 4 mph for the jog.) May not be fast for some of you but Ive got short legs (I think). Always trying to keep pace with others when we are out walking…feels like my legs are going 5X faster to someone elses easy stride. Slowing it down did seem to take the pain off my knee and I also stretched after the workout. Feeling better today for it. I think I may do a couple additional days or maybe even repeat the first week on the program. Id rather build slower and be able to continue than to hurt myself and quit. Thanks for the advice yesterday buddies

Also…I have really been in tune more with the changes in my body…I feel good about it. Without the scale telling me how I shoud feel, I feel GOOD about it. Progress!

I am struggling with “urges” to weigh myself. Kind of like when you quit smoking…part of it is habit…routine, and part of it is that NEED. It is still very managable, Im doing much better than I thought I would…so far. And while part of me is anxious for Saturday to weigh in…the other part is already thinking NO…dont want to ruin what Im feeling right now if the scale doesnt agree with what I feel. Am I crazy yet?? Please love me anyway if so