readytoemerge

Time to say my goodbyes… 

*Goodbye to the boy who stole my heart completely.*Goodbye to the one…the only one I let know me so completely.*Goodbye to the one I loved unconditionally…who I wanted so badly to love me the same…the good and bad…the one who could not.*Goodbye to dreams I carried for over 20 years…Most of which were not even mine…but his, and I embraced them anyway.*Goodbye to the man I was to grow old with and the dream of rocking on our front porch holding hands and loving each other still.*Goodbye to a family…whole…complete.*Goodbye to my home and home ownership.*Goodbye to self-employment…and to unemployment.*Goodbye to heartbreaking days…I want to leave you behind.*Goodbye to the weight that is lost…do not come looking for me…I do not want you. 

Goodbye 2008…all your heart ache…all your blessings…all your sadness…all your joy…Goodbye. 

HELLO 2009! I expected to come into you a much smaller woman…but that’s ok. I am still making progress and will continue to do so…and when your time is up, I WILL be where I intend…a smaller version of myself. So I welcome you with open arms and ask the same of you. Please be gentle…please be kind and easy on my heart. Welcome 2009! 

No resolutions so to say…just a desire to make a better life for myself and my kids. A more active, healthy, joyful life. We face so many things still as we begin the New Year…but I see this year as a time of a
LOT of change…a lot of painful change…but seeking to find the good above the bad…the joy above the sad…the positive above the negative. Time to finish this weight loss journey and begin the maintain the rest of my life journey. 

I am afraid…but I will trust God and His plan for my life. I must begin to move forward…pull my feet from the suction of the muck I am stuck in and move in a forward motion…keep going even when I am weary…even when I feel I am flapping in that wind…keep going.  

I am excited…looking forward to learning how to live life again. Pushing beyond my comforts and having FUN.

I am thankful…I have a loving family…but I also have you guys…my second family…extended family. I am SO grateful to be a part of this family. I feel such love and support from you. I can’t tell you how much your comments and support have meant to me. I know you know what I’m trying to say because I’m sure you have felt it too…love and support and understanding. Thank you all for that. I swear I wish I could gather you all up and have a BS Family reunion…hug each and every one of you! Could you imagine the laughter…the tears?? The love!

 HAPPY NEW YEAR DEAR BUDDIES! I sincerely wish you a wonderful year and strength to get through whatever difficulties come. I wish you success in your weight loss journey and a healthier lifestyle. I wish for you to find the joys and laughter in all that comes your way. I am looking forward to continuing this walk with you…lets get moving!  

I was watching TV this morning. They were looking back at those (mostly public figures) who have died this past year. I was thinking how we never know when our end will come. I was thinking how I feel stuck…frozen. So much to do and yet not really getting anywhere, emotionally or otherwise. I was thinking, I don’t want to be looking at another years end facing the same issues as the year before and the year before that.

I was sitting in my favorite chair…big & oversized. It faces the windows looking out past the front porch and on to the front yard and fields. As I was thinking, something caught my eye out the window. It was a bird…flapping furiously but not moving forward. Flapping with all its might and yet staying in the same spot. As I watched I felt sad for that bird…poor thing. Wondered why didn’t it just land on the tree it was close to and give up. After a few more seconds it did just that. I guess it was just resting because after another minute or two it was right back up in the same spot…flapping. And then I watched it swoop down and back up. It began to get playful and I thought, how cool. How COOL! It was playing. That bird was in control when I thought it was helpless. Huh! Imagine that! I had been out earlier and knew the winds were strong but its warm today…about 58…it felt nice. That silly bird was enjoying the warm air and playing on the wind. Not only that but it had began a light rain…I call it spitting when it does this. So that old bird was getting a shower too!

 I felt like that bird when I thought it was just flapping so hard…trying to move forward but getting nowhere. I thought that is exactly what I feel right now. It’s busy all around me…things blowing everywhere and yet I’m flapping in place…using all my energy and getting nowhere.

I want to learn to ride the wind. I want to learn how to use it and not let it stop me. I want to move forward and not flap in place burning all my energy. I want to have fun…to roll with what life throws and make the best out of it. I get discouraged so very easy. And if I’m completely honest, I have been fighting really hard to not let depression pull me in. My daughter is gone for the weekend and the boys went up to their Dads with my mother-in-law yesterday. On one hand I enjoy the time alone because I can think and mourn. But too much time alone allows me opportunity to jump into that crap pit. Don’t want to do it…I WONT DO IT! So I am here…writing it out. I want to eat junk, curl up in that chair and space out on TV. I REALLY want to do that. I’m not going to tho. That little bird got in my head. That little bird reminded me to have fun no matter how strong the wind. Bottom line is, I can control where I go. I can let the wind ground me or I can get out in it and play…ride on that wind.

The other thing that will get me moving today is sweet Kylie! She challenged me and I can not let her down. I need to get up and get moving. Thank you Kylie! Motivating me all the way from Japan! Go figure that…Haha!

 Alright all you little birds…Get out there and RIDE THAT WIND BABY!

One being, old habits really ARE hard to break. Between stresses of my life, the holidays, the birthdays and my old style celebration ways, I managed to gain 3 pounds. No excuses…it is what it is and I did it. Quite honestly, Im surprised its not more. I tried to push out the negative stuff and have fun. And…overall I did. I enjoy being around my family. We laugh, we have fun, we EAT. We played cards…a game called Nertz…fun. Always counters and islands FULL of yummy, tempting foods. I partook

Second realization…Can’t teach an old dog new tricks. While I disagree partly, I am back to not exercising either. I’ve been tired and busy and have not made the time. Went back to my old ways of being that old hound dog laying on the front porch…just laying…looking and laying.

Third realization…a sad one for me…a sloooooow sinking in one for me. J is not the same man anymore. No matter how much I try to convince myself it is over and done, I have kept inside me a secret hope of some wonderful, romantic reconciliation. Hey, I grew up with Cinderella and Snow White…I thought he was my Knight…my Prince. Its been difficult over the last week with shopping together, birthdays together and Christmas morning. It is hard to change certain traditions, especially when you dont want to. Its hard when you want to keep things good for the kids.

We had a melt down last night…on my youngests B-day. Not in front of anyone. Tension had been building and we had to step away for 15 minutes to talk…it didnt go well. We had an issue as we left the pizza place my son chose for his dinner. We saw an ex-employee in the resturant…one who stole just under $1000 prior to quitting. Used a card set up for fuel purchase to make some large PERSONAL purchases at an auto parts store and Walmart plus petty cash withdrawl. J wanted to have it out with him…IT WAS OUR SONS BIRTHDAY…Hello! Then to make it worse, this guy…Mr Whimp face to face…calls J 40 minutes later and begins taunting that his dinner was on us and laughing because even the cops said there was nothing we could do…

These are some of the things I dont GET in life. You try to let go of something (like someone stealing from you) and it gets shoved in your face when you are trying to enjoy your childs day. All we’ve seen is the “BAD Guys” get away with it and you try to do whats right and pay a price for it. Why??

OK…Going to be ok…I WILL be ok. I hope sooner than later becasue I am very weary. I dont want to have to keep fighting for happiness…but I guess as long as I have to I will. I got partially sucked down in J’s spiral down last night…I grabbed onto something so I didnt go all the way. Today I will pull myself  back to my feet. Ive got paperwork to take care of and then on to packing. Oh and my mother-in-law is supposed to be coming here. It always churns up hard things…like not being a part of that family anymore. Have to face it tho I guess to move forward.

Starting Longest Loser and hope it gives me the kick in the butt I need to regroup and head down on the scale again. Exercise may take more of a back seat until I find a place and get moved but I will do my best to fit at least 30 minutes in 3-4 times a week of something.

I hope Christmas was wonderful for you all. I hope to catch up on some of the blogs today off and on. I love my support system here and I am so thankful. Have a great weekend!!

I am SO thankful to have such loving, caring, non-judgmental buddies like you guys! Thank you for your comments of support yesterday.

J and I decided to tell the kids. Really it was me who wanted to do it now…to give them time to process it and not be told one week prior to go get a box and pack. They all pretty much sat quietly…absorbing it…and maybe some shock and sadness. My youngest who turns 12 on the day after Christmas did get emotional after it sunk in a bit. We have put them through so much. It is truly unfair that they pay the price for J or my choices. Their lives were turned upside down and have been unstable since. I want them to feel a sense of safety…stability. I am going to give that to them to the best of my ability.

I am working hard at not letting life pull me down. I can very easily get down and mope around for very long periods of time. I don’t want that. I want to be happy and enjoy life. I’ve had far too many years of unhappiness. I will and do get discouraged. I have my moments when I just don’t understand why so much has happened. But I am really learning to push through it and not stay down in that pit of depression I used to call home. So…I pulled on the big girl panties…found some Christmas ones…and I am going to take another look at the things that pulled me downward.

Bad news was TOM was here…Good news is that TOM is here…means I’m not pregnant. Heehee!

Bad news was my short haircut and dark color…Good news is I must not have ANY split-ends and can only get better lookin’ each day as it grows out and lightens.

Bad news is the house is being sold…Good news is…and this one is harder…that I will get a fresh start and away from some of the sad memories and reminders that I live with here from when J left me.

That’s a pretty good start. I know I will probably be a mess emotionally off and on and I hope I don’t drive your guys away. This is part of my journey…part of my weight issues. I am struggling in that area and don’t want to use this as an “excuse” to justify my bad choices. I am going to make a point to exercise today in the midst of everything going on and enjoy the day.

Alright…NOW…for those of you who have known me a little longer, you remember what happens when I bring out those Big Girl Panties?? Yep…heeeeerrre I go! Putting the panties on my head and doing the PANTY DANCE!!! Woop Woop! Uh-huh! Oh yeah! Check me out! Lookin’ hot…HAHAHA! OK that may be pushing it. Hope it made you smile like you all do for me.

LOVE LOVE LOVE you and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Bad things come in three’s right? And for me yesterday they did just that…locked arm in arm…skipping in and humming.

TOM started my day in full force with extreme discomfort and high moodiness. Not to mention cravings. Had to take him along to start our very small Christmas shopping for the kids.

Next, I had a hair appointment for color and trim/cut. Told her I wanted to up it a bit…either go a little lighter or darker or highlights…something. And to cut more layers in. CRAP! Why did I open my mouth…TOM made me do it!! Its too dark and so short I cant pull it back. I always pull my hair back…first thing in the am it goes back. I put a smile on in the salon…didnt want to let her know I hated it. I was in tears after leaving. I absolutly hate it and there is mothing I can do with it or about it. Its flat on my fat face.

Return home from that and get the mail from the box…a nice Christmas letter from the attorney of the mortgage company. They are selling the house on January 7th…

I have been waiting for months…months. Packing some things but still needed to live. Hesitated on putting anything up for Christmas cause I didnt know if we would even be here then. Finally gave in and decided to enjoy Christmas and “forget” the other stuff for a moment. And thats when it happens. I just dont get it. I know they have every right to this home now…and I was trying to be prepared for it and waited for something to happen. Now, just days before Christmas they tell me. I have two weeks in the midst of Christmas ans New Years to FIND a place to live, pack and get moved. People are going to be busy with their Holiday plans, not on normal work routines. I feel like its going to be even more difficult to find a place. 

I have to tell the kids…Do I tell them after Christmas day or now so they can know this is the last one here…enjoy it and take it all in. For me, I want to know as soon as possible so I can prepare myself (emotionally/mentally) for it. I hate it when people throw last minute stuff on me and trust me they do. I am surrounded by inconsiderate people. Two weeks notice…

Im sorry but I am at a loss. Ive got so much to do and just dont know where to begin. I want to curl in a ball and just disappear. I cant I have to keep going…Im a Mom…doesnt matter what I need…I have people who need me…and I need them…so I stand up again…again…abd again.

I love you guys and will try to be on here but now I have to take backseat again. Have to figure things out…

Dont know if I will get the chance after today so…MERRY CHRISTMAS my Dear Buddies. I love you and wish you the warmest times with your families and friends. Sending a BIG Bear hug to each of you.

Please keep me in your prayers… 

One of my simple pleasures recently is my electric blanket. It sucked getting into a big cold lonely bed. But I put that blanket on and I crank it up before bed so that when I climb beneath the Civers (as Lucy’s cousin Ernie said) it is toasty warm. It is a simple thing but it brings pleasure. Especially on nights like last night where the wind just howled all night…creaking the siding and gutters. Its a warm 11 degrees this morning. Wind chill takes us below 0 tho…Brrrrr!

As you go through your day, find those little things that bring a smile to your face. Especially this time of year. There are so many things that can frustrate…like angry, nasty shoppers. But how about the one person that smiles and says, you go ahead of me.

You may need to slow down and take a moment to look around…but do it. See how many simple things bring a pleasant smile or warm feeling to your heart. And then take it a step further. Bring that feeling to someone else…make it a stranger. Let someone have the closer parking spot. Compliment someone on their appearance. Give your child a hug and a tickle out of the blue.

Tell me your recent simple pleasure…or as I like to call them little happies…

It is time…time to put the actions to the daydreams and planning. Not later…Now. Not tomorrow…Today!

I had a little pep rally with myself. I was the coach and the cheer leader. See, I have a tendency to get overwhelmed and weighed down. I look at everything around me and think how can I do this! In my home life, I rarely get help…especially without asking. I have four kids…you’d think the burden of chores would be lighter on me. Nope. I get TIRED of begging and crying for help. And there comes the point where you just say, I’LL DO IT MYSELF!

I don’t know if I was unconsciously waiting for someone to come do this little weight loss chore for me or to wave a magic fairy wand over me or what. It’s time for me to do it myself. No one else can do this for me. It is in my hands as to whether I am successful or not. You guys can support me for many years to come…but you can’t make the right choices for me. I have to do it. Don’t get me wrong…I NEED you to be successful too. Your support is KEY to me in this journey. But I have to face up to my actions or lack of…

 I mentioned in a recent blog that I am a list maker…a planner. What I didn’t mention is that I have had a terrible time doing that in the last couple years. I’d make my list and life would come snatch it from me and crumple it up. I gave up on dreams and plans to a large degree. All my plans and dreams had flown out the window when J walked out the door. I didn’t know how to make new ones because I had lived with the old ones so long.

Well this morning I got up early and got my paper and a favorite pen. I sat staring at the paper…holding that pen…nothing…I couldn’t write at first. I had to start thinking basics…What do I want to accomplish?…What things work for me?…What do I need to focus on first this week?…What do I need to focus on today? It started coming and I started writing. I tried to keep it simple…to not go overboard. I listed my goals for this week and what I plan to accomplish around the home today.

As far as food, I just plan on journaling anything I eat, good or bad. I am not focusing this week directly on calorie/point range although it will matter…just not priority. I will exercise 5 times. I will get my water in again.

As far as the home…I have let a lot go. When I was focused on the paperwork nothing got done. So today I have a bunch planned but I’m excited to get it done. Cleaning, baking and even last minute decorating. Our tree has been up since right after Thanksgiving…but undecorated.

I will be back on today/tonight when I have accomplished my goals (including exercise)

Time to rev up my engine and throw this puppy into gear…ACTION gear. Time to GIT R DONE!

Just got this email from a friend and had to pass the laughter on…hope you enjoy it as much as I did! 

A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

 Dear Diary,For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.________________________________

MONDAY:Started my day at  6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess.Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!________________________________

TUESDAY:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me._______________________________

WEDNESDAY:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.______________________________

THURSDAY:Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny girl to find me.Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank._______________________________

FRIDAY:I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?________________________________

SATURDAY:Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.________________________________

SUNDAY:I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little booger) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over , he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! 

This is me…banging my head out of frustration. Frustration with myself.

WARNING!!! Venting To Follow…Blog emotions may be intensified by PMS or lack of sleep or the combination of the two. May be further intensified by anger due to Saturday morning sleep broken by sound of deer hunters (aka, my neighbors) blasting their shotguns! May be best to back slowly out of this blog…You have been warned.

Ive got ONE leg trying to walk the walk…the other trying to run wild! ONE side of my mouth trying to talk the talk…the other eating cupcakes. ONE side of my brain trying to focus on the important things…the other plotting complete rebellion!

WHAT is wrong with me? I feel TWO faced. Im trying to focus. I was on here a lot yesterday trying to keep my head in the right place. I should have been doing so many other things but felt I needed this. And what did I do anyway??? Ate in between, finishing the day with leftover cupcakes my daughter baked for today! I just said in another blog that I dont want to waste more time…and look at me…I wasted NO time getting straight back to failing myself. I swear sometimes I think I am out to destroy my own life.

I HAVE TO CHANGE THIS…Now, not later.

As I lay there this morning, I had Michaels words flying around in my head. He is a WISE man, our new buddy here is! The first thing was what he left as a reply on my last blog…”Persistence is better than perfection”…how true. But here is my first struggle. I am a Discouraged Perfectionist…a Failed perfectionist. I strive so hard to make it just right (whatever at the time IT is) and when it doesnt come out how I envisioned, I give up on everything. Whats sad is, I even see this in my kids…so now I see a bad mommy on top of it. I have to embrace the PERSISTENCE and be good with that. How do I do that? I really want to. I guess like everything else…baby steps. Let me try to get through this day…Saturday, December 20th, 2008, doing the best I can do.

The second thing I laid thinking about was Michaels blog about Vision. If you missed  it, I urge you to read it. He wrote, “Vision without action is daydreaming. Action without vision is a nightmare.” Guess what…Im a Daydreamer as well! I map it out, plan it out, print my little calendars for the next 6+ months and figure how much I should weigh by when and when I should be at goal. So much energy…so much time used up in that process. I couldnt even tell you how many times in my life I have done it…how many HOURS wasted. Wasted becasue I didnt follow through. I need follow through…

I think I am finished with this if anyone needs it. I hope to not ask for it  back. For anyone still reading this ramble…so sorry I need to record where I am and get it out from bouncing around in my brain.

…I got off when it stopped…knowing I shouldn’t. Just had to look around. I smelled food. Ordered a double cheeseburger and fries and ate them. The guilt cloud was over me before I was half way through. In the end I was left with a nasty aftertaste. The flavor…REGRET! Got back on the train cause I saw Debbie up in the window…One hand on her hip…the other hand had a finger shaking at me…I was scared…Heehee!

OK! Yes, I screwed up momentarily yesterday. And I learned from it…or maybe I should say I had my memory refreshed. Stress + Being Unprepared + Frazzled Brain + Hunger = Temporary Failure. I have to have better planning…not just with food but with my life in general. I waste too much time on too many things. Looking at that yesterday really gives me a desire to make changes.

I am generally a Planner…a List Maker. I like to have things mapped out in front of me so I can mentally prepare for what’s coming.  I don’t like surprises.

While that is who I am…its also part of what I don’t like about myself. I admire those free-spirited people…the fly by the seat of your pants kind who seem to be able to enjoy life so much. I desire to have a part of that. To have my plans but be ok with it and roll with it when things change on me at the last second. I’m trying. My life has certainly given me plenty of practice over the last several years. I just still have trouble with finding that happy balance of the two. Guess its just part of this journey.

SO…I am going to take my poor choice yesterday, along with the good choices I made. I accept it for what it was and now its time to roll. New day…fresh start, right?

I may pass by this town again…I hope I will remember the “taste” this place left in my mouth and choose to stay on the choo choo.

Next stop is a place called BIRTHDAY SEASON. All 4 of my kids…beginning tomorrow. December 20th & 26th. January 10th & 17th. Yes…this is why I ride the CRAZY TRAIN! People used to ask me if I PLANNED it this way????? Uh…NO! I just happened to be extra fertile in the early spring ;)

Have a great day buddies! Hope you stay strong!!