readytoemerge

Accountability: Day 2 

My family got me the Wii Fit for my birthday. I have to say I’m lovin’ it. Who would have thought that a little white board could make you sweat? For me to be in front of the tv and not on my butt is a big accomplishment…haha! But the fact that I’m having fun and burning calories is even better.  So far I like the step aerobics and boxing best.

So far today I did a hour on the Wii~16 min. Yoga/5 min. Strength training/28 min. Step Aerobics/4 min. Hula Hoop/2 min. Jogging/5 min. Balance games

I ate a 3 point breakfast, Raisin Bran again. And Ive had 28 ounces of my water so far this morning.

I do have a bit of a confession…Im hanging my head in shame…after PROMISING to exercise more last night, I did not. Dont like to go back on my word but I want to own up to it. I spent over 2 hours on here because I felt I needed it. I was wanting to do more emotional eating but did not. After I signed out on here I went to bed…Good girl

Thanks to my buddies who are checking in on me.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!!

Day 1 on Accountability

It started of well. A mile walk outside (was tooooo cold to do more). Planned on doing more on the treadmill and Wii Fit at some point. Also had a decent breakfast of Total Raisin Bran with 1% milk. 3 points total.

Then J and I had talking to do. It went on for several emotional hours and I had no appetite at that point. No worries…it came back and I chose dinner poorly…leftover creamed chipped beef on toast. Ahhhh! I can probaly be ok for the week by using my flex points, but DANG IT! Im so frustrated with myself.

I have not gotten in the rest of the exercise, but I promise I will do the Wii before I allow myself to go to bed. And I did get in my water

So…thats it for today…Im drained emotionally but very much needed to come here tonight.

My plan is to stay accountable for 30 days and see if I can progress because of it…hopefully learn to be true to myself.

Day 1: Emotions 1…Debbi 0

I do! Some wonderful buddies found my blinders and gave me a slap, but now I need someone to stay on my tail…put a little “fear” in me

Until I can stay truely accountable to myself, I need someone to check in with…probably daily and definately weekly. I have got to get out of the 220’s…it’s been too long.

So, is there anyone willing to crack a whip and tell me truths and call me out if needed??? Maybe someone else who needs the same and I can return the favor?

I am already feeling antsy this morning…ready to dive into eating…I want to stop it now. Maybe even getting out there my shame of what Im doing will help me stop today.

Can someone help me find them? I seem to have lost them along the trail in the last couple days. I didn’t realize they had come off at first and by the time I did, I was lost. It has not been long but I am scared. If I don’t find them fast I’ll be in trouble. The last thing I remember was walking on the treadmill-like plateau…and before I knew it I was grazing in McDonald’s field…not Old McDonald…but RONALD! TWICE!! I also found myself eating cake because it was there. As a matter of fact, it was my lunch yesterday. I thought I knew where I was and where I was going, even as I headed into TGIFridays for my birthday lunch on Thursday. Then evening came that night and the dinner plans changed because J got sick. So, feeling sorry for myself, you know, that poor little me had to take care of my dinner last minute, chose pizza from a local place. I had no foods in the house and took the easy way out.

Am I always going to look for a “good” reason to make bad choices? Oh, I hope not. I know better and yet I already feel myself looking for more reasons today to be bad. I’ve got lots of them.So I am hoping someone has seen my blinders and could put them back on me, AFTER you slap me upside the head with them. If the blinders are lost, maybe someone would be kind enough to lead me to Mr. McGregor’s Vegetable Garden or just lock me up in the barn.

Lots to keep me busy today…cleaning and packing. But I also feel the need to graze here. I missed being here yesterday and I still feel wobbly when I don’t get my daily dose of BS. I need to find the balance with this too, so I don’t end up sitting all day on here. I just love you guys too much.

I hope you all have a great weekend, whether it’s relaxing or exciting or just simply getting stuff done and off the TO DO list. Take Care!

Well, not really yipee…I was going for that reverse psychology thing. It’s not working…heehee. So I guess I will set sail for my Isle of Denial. I wont stay too long, although in the past I did live there and at times still miss my cozy little place on that island.

I got about a mile of walking in this morning before the rain got too much. I can count on at least one of the following things each year on my birthday…RAIN, WINDY, BITTER COLD, and FIGHTING CHILDREN. So far I only have 1 1/2 of those, so it’s a pretty good day, haha!

I did not get to my weight goal for today. As I wrote in another blog, Ive been at a plateau for a couple weeks. Then last week lost two only to have them come back the next day! So I came up short. I am not giving up though. I would have in the past. This would be the point where I begin to quickly undo all the progress. But now I am still determined. I am learning to use my stubborn side for a good thing. The scale is not showing me the progress I long for, but I see other changes…big progress. The fact that I got up on my birthday to walk…PAALEEEESE! I would never have done it before, especially in the rain. I would “treat” myself to no sweating on MY special day cause I deserve it. Now I know I deserve to be good to myself in other ways.

So, Im rambling…letting the thoughts come out and record it for later. When I get to the end of my weight loss goal, I want to sit and read my old blogs…reflect…see the changes…and see where I dont want to go back to. Im looking forward to that day…yes I am.

My Birthday wish is that you all have a FANTASTIC day…a POSITIVE day…a HOPEFUL day…and a day with SMILES and LAUGHTER!! Take Care

I was doing pretty good all day. Didn’t have the best lunch but was within my points. Then dinner came. It started ok…green beans…small serving of applesauce…and a bbq chicken (some shredded chicken I had boiled with some KC Masterpiece sauce mixed in) on a potato roll. But did I stop at one, you ask? NOOOOOOOO! Had to go back…told myself I’d eat half but had the whole thing! Why? I knew what I was doing, WHILE I was doing it. And now I am more full than I have been in quite a while. STOOOOOOPID! Still trying to figure this part of me out…Am I sabatoging myself or did I just cave at a weak moment??? I sure wish I understood myself…AHHH! 

Got a new cut a couple days ago…got some inches off and Im lovin’ it. I love long hair, but mine is fine and doesnt look like Id like it. Kept it longer to please the hubby. So I finally did what I wanted.

Got served foreclosure papers. It hurts and Im scared but its been a while coming.

And Ive got computer problems. Nothing major, mainly connection issues and the cord to charge is going bad. Sometimes it works fine and other days I cant get it to work. I have moved my “office” down to the kitchen in the house. No more heat in the office and that is where I have my satellite connection. So only dial up at the moment. I’ll see how long it lasts.

Still a lot of sadness and crappy things to deal with, but Im holding my head up and still battling the stupid plateau and scale.

Hope everyone is doing good. I hate not being able to respond to blogs and stay in touch like I want to. Hopefully soon.

Have a great Wednesday and remember to laugh!

Last night was wonderful. Surrounded by loving family…people who love you for who you are…kooky stuff and all. I needed to feel that warmth and understanding. When you can share the odd things about you, that you don’t understand about yourself and others have the same issues or feelings and you can laugh about it and not feel like a freak…it feels good. It’s good to laugh at ourselves. And we laughed to tears.

As I drove home from my parents last night, I had the realization that I love the way it feels to TRULY be yourself and laugh without worry of what someone may think. It was a freeing feeling. One I haven’t felt often. I’m always worried about what someone else may think or how they may view me. I even lost who I was in my marriage. Trying to be what everyone else needed or expected me to be. It is going to take time and many situations and tries, but I am starting to learn to be ok with who I am and love myself. I’m talking more about the personality…not the appearance side. The appearance issues are even deeper and more difficult. I don’t know if I will ever be able to look in a mirror and be happy with what I see physically. I am my worst enemy…I can pick myself to pieces. But I think this slow coming realization is the beginning of at least being able to love and accept myself completely, even if there are things I will never be happy with. And I’m such a quick learner…it’s only taken me 43 years to figure out how to start loving me…heehee. Oh well, I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Not all old dogs tho…
Sydney is still improving, it shocks me honestly to see how well he is doing compared to Saturday morning. But he was out with me while I walked this morning. He didn’t keep up the pace back and forth like normal although he did some. He did however go into guard dog mode when a pickup came up the farm lane that runs along our drive. I actually shorted my walk just a bit to get him back in the house because of his barking and ready to cross the property line. It is good to see “normal” behavior for him, but I don’t think he learned anything from his awful experience.

Well…hope you all have a super Monday and my wish for you this week is that at least once, you laugh till you cry!

After waking up yesterday to the scale FINALLY going down, I woke this morning to find it back up 2 pounds!!! I stayed on plan…even shorted 2 points yesterday. Made homemade chicken salad and did not go for the second sandwich I wanted. It was a very upsetting day and that is normally my cue to overindulge because I deserve it. My Lab, Syd, ran off Friday night. We came home from haircuts and a little shopping and let the dogs out for a bit. We have an underground fence but the battery in his collar is dead and the people have not sent the replacement. Anyway, when I went to get the dogs in only Chloe came. She has a way of letting me know something is up. I could tell immediately that he had run off. So I was out calling him. It had gotten foggy so I couldn’t see real far. Every time I called him one of the dogs across the road at the farm would start barking…too close. They have Rots there…scary…intimidating dogs. So I got in my car and drove up and down the road a bit and up and down the drive to the back of the property. We have field around us, so I was trying to shine my lights as far as I could see but the fog just limited my view. Finally had to give up. Came in and tried to go to bed. I was up and down all night, looking to see if he came back. Finally in the morning, when I let Chloe out, he was back…limping, one front and one in the back…muddy…one eye bulging…head and tail down. Oh CRAP! He was hurt pretty bad. Doctored him the best we could and praying for the best. We absolutely can not afford the vet. Why is this happening on top of everything else? He is doing better this morning. As a matter of fact, the dogs at the farm were barking and that got him going this morning. He was barking back and moving much better. Seems to be a good sign.

So I didn’t cave to the stress yesterday and my reward is to regain 2 pounds. WHAT? Trying SO hard not to lose my balance and fall to the dark side…the side of a quitter…of failure…of just giving up! I no what I want and that is to lose this weight and be in control of my body. I want it BADLY! And yet there is this nagging voice…my old self that says just quit…I can’t do this anymore. I am weary. Why can’t that flippin scale just give me what I earned? It gives me what I deserve when I overeat…shy not when I stay on track or under-eat? AHHHH!

OK…venting over for today. I will keep trying but it looks like I will not be making my personal goal I had for my b-day weight. Dinner at my Mom & Dads this afternoon. Celebrating my sister and my birthdays this coming week. My Mom is such an awesome cook…always yummy goodness and foods that call to my comfort need. Not to mention she makes THE BEST German Choc Cake, from scratch. It’s a fav of my sister and me. I need to climb back over to the right side of the fence before I go today so that I don’t just give up and overindulge. This is a fork in the road…time to show what I’m made of…what I really want. The choice is mine…I pray for strength to make the right one.

Plateau

Pesky Pounds

Pouting

Pissed off

Pick apart

Planning

Pleading

Praying

Pause…

Ponder

Positive

Persistence

Patience

Perseverance

Pounds down

Progress