Finding Me…Yo!
I’m on a mission to “find myself”. I’ve heard that phrase over time and never fully understood it until these last five years or so. I lost myself, who I really am, not who everyone expects me to be or thinks I am. I really have not experienced much in life. I grew up very shielded from the real world. And then after being married and especially since having kids…I’ve shielded myself. Becoming self employed 12 years ago put me further in a bubble. I’ve done what I had to, what was expected from me. I had to be the responsible one, the strong one, even when I wanted to fall and let someone take care of me. I had to wear the big girl panties when I wanted to run naked.
These last two years since my separation have been difficult. He has continued to live life…I have stood frozen and scared. I don’t know how to have fun. I know very little of what I’d like to do. The few things I like to do (camping, walking in woods), I’d be too afraid to do them on my own. I have free time and I don’t know how to use it. I am totally not a social butterfly, not, not, not. I don’t trust people in general…I been burned a few too many times. When I do feel comfortable, I start sharing too much because I am open…I try to be real, the good and bad. Kinda like now…I’m going on about personal things, trying to hold back yet it keeps spilling out.
I got up this morning and since it was cool and beautiful out, I went for a walk. The dew was glistening on the grass in the yard and on the taller grass in the fields around me. Geese flew over and the sun was already rising. I went back in for my camera and started my walk. Ok I stayed on my property…up and down the drive…behind the shop…back and forth…about an hour. I looked at the beauty around me…listened to the sounds of the crickets and birds. Trying to take it all in and remember it. I won’t live here much longer. I’ll miss the peacefulness I had here. I took some pictures. I talked to God. I tried to open myself up and pull away from the numbing place I seem to be more and more often. Reality hurts. I need to find my way again. I need to find myself again. I am down but not out. I am determined. I will be healthy, I will be happy, and I will know this lonely person inside this body. I am on a journey to discover…a mission possible.
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WOW, how beautiful!The beauty God has given you to admire.God sees that beauty when he looks down on you.You are beautiful and to search yourself as you have is a great start to changes. You are always in my prayers and Keep on keep’n on. Each day is a new gift from God , What we do with it is what makes it special.
oh debbi sounds heavenly:). You will find her in the long walks, and quiet places of your heart… I just know it! I love you sister…so much! Thank you for sharing!
You are on the right track! The pictures are beautiful! I too am a caretaker…someone who drops everything to run to the aid of another. No matter what I’m doing when the phone rings…I always tell them I’m not doing anything….UGH…it’s hard to finally put yourself first…..but I’m working on it…and you can do it too! It is too easy to shut the doors and close ourselves up in the house…….your discription of your morning walk makes me want to go outside…right now!!11
hey girlie, love your pics. I’m in the same spot where you are right now. I’m trying to find myself. Just when I think I’ve “got it”, it goes away again and hides itself from me. I think it will come with time a perseverence. You’re on the right track though, and you will get there. And when you do…. I want to hear all about it!!!
I had to start looking for myself again too. I was slowly losing that “spark” I had. You just may have to go out on a limb and really try and meet new people with the same interest as you. Yeah, you can’t trust everyone and it can be difficult but do what I did and that is make yourself a new set of rules. Like for me I looked for new groups I could be in through meetup.com. It’s not a single’s site (I’m married) but more of a group site. And then I told myself to be more open and friendly but that I wasn’t going to share everything about myself. Then I told myself that people are who they are and I’m not always going to find perfect fits for me all the time but the people I will meet will be cool to just hang around with until better fits come along. In this year alone I have let myself have more fun then ever. I keep asking myself what does it matter if I look a little silly having fun. No one is going to give me an award for “Most Behaved” when I’m old. Good luck finding yourself. Do it in little steps but really give it your all. Be the first to start conversations or to offer suggestions about where to go or what to do. What can it hurt to just try it?
I tried to comment earlier today from my iPhone…but alas…it wouldn’t let me:)
Let’s see if I can remember what I was going to say. Oh yeah, So excited to see you starting your journey back to you! To who you really are before you got lost. I know Someone that will hold your hand and lead you there…every step of the way.
I love you sister, and so glad to hear you are stepping out again.
Man…I wish I was there in person for I would surely give you a pep talk…Girl…Life is far too short to sit on the sidelines watching it go by…Truly. Letting fear hold you back from anything is such a waste of energy. I know its frightening. But start small. Name ONE THING you have always wanted to do and then do it. I made a list. An honest to goodness list. From the serious to the silly…And I started crossing things off my list…I joined a male dominated Beer website a few years ago. And when I was invited to my first beer tasting I was scared to death. But I did it. And yes. It was odd. But it was fun. And I met some great people. And little by little I have gone new places, and now, they just arent that scary any more…Please give it a try!! Your life is to be lived…
I love your pics they’re really beautiful. Like you I’m not a social butterfly either, I’ve been burned too. I have a few good friends but they’re not close or best friends. I don’t really have any advice except to live life to it’s fullest and not let anything hold you back. Hope this helps.
Maggie
I’m in the list catagory… whenever I think of something that I have enjoyed, or think sounds like something I would enjoy, I jot it in this notebook by the bed. I used to refer to it often, now, usually only when I have some free time to fill and I’m out of ideas.
