Facing The Ugly Truth
I am not making judgment on anyone but myself. I am unhappy with me; I am not ok with where I am. This is about being honest with myself. The cold, hard, truth. No excuses or justifications. Not trying to beat myself up, just trying to face the truth and change it or deal with it.
I let my being overweight change my life. I let it interfere with my marriage and my children’s health. Do I secretly desire to be miserable and lonely? Am I happier being angry at myself and what my life has been? If someone said they would harm my family if I didn’t lose weight, wouldn’t I in a heartbeat? What is it going to take?
My marriage has suffered, so let me be real. There are MANY issues as to why it is where it is. Don’t misunderstand that I am saying my being fat caused it to falter. BUT, I have to face the truth. My being fat changed the person I used to be. I have to deal with my part, and that’s what this is about. I feel like a disgusting blob. I allowed my weight to change how I dress, what I do or don’t do and how I act. I’ve become a sad, angry person. I don’t want to be noticed yet I eat till I’m so large I cant be missed. I let my weight for the most part destroy my intimate relationship with my husband. I don’t feel sexy or like I could do certain things without looking completely ridiculous. I don’t like to be touched where I feel the fattest, because it reminds me its really there. Its kept me from doing things with him, because I didn’t want to humiliate him (no he never said that…its what I felt). I became very withdrawn. Sad to be alone yet happy to not be around others. I look at my body, my face and feel like how would anyone want to be with that, and yet I want to be loved no matter what I look like. What is wrong with me? How can I choose a love affair with food over a love affair with the man I love so deeply? He’s never made me feel I need to be a size 2, just healthy. If I were HAPPY being fat, ok…but I’m not. Am I just happy being unhappy? I hope not. Deep down I don’t think so.
I’ve allowed it to affect my kids. Several struggle with weight issues and get picked on in school for it. How could I do that? Do I really not care enough?? I would do anything to protect my family and yet I haven’t. How can this desire to eat have such power? How can I care more about eating than the health of my kids and the habits I’m teaching them?
I’m being selfish in my opinion. Fleshly desires vs. Godly desires. I wouldn’t rob a bank or deal drugs or murder, yet I’m a glutton. I’m lazy. And to top it off, all of it has made me self absorbed and consumed with this. So many better things I could be doing in my life…
It is time to commit to some changes. I need to value the life God gave me and show Him I do. I need to value the kids who are a blessing and show Him I do.
I’m stubborn, and slow to get it sometimes, but I’m not a quitter. I will fight this war and win…I will win.
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Your optimism, positive attitude is infectuous.
Great blog!
I can truly relate to your struggle as so many other will also. We hide behind our weight issues because it’s a safe harbor. Being overweight, or as you put it, fat - does change a person.
I commend you for making the decision to make changes. You can do it. You have my support, our support on here to make it.
BIG HUG
you will do this, to be better for your Lord, your family, and for yourself.
We are all cheering you on!!
Did you know that when Paul tells us to run the race and talks about the witnesses that it means the saints are watching and cheering us on to finish the race and WIN!!! it is exciting when you hear people cheering for you, but more exciting when you know those people that already finished their race think you can do it well!!!
So, listen to it, they are saying…. “GOOOOOO Debbi!!!!!!”
I can relate to everything you said. It’s good that you are putting it out there. We have to keep reminding ourselves what it takes to get to the place we are going. It’s too easy to become relaxed and then all of a sudden another week, month, year has passed. We can do it.
I have complete faith in you!! You are on the right track sharing your feelings and emotions because there are so many out there who just keep it inside!! I too have let weight get in the way of my marriage. My husband ( bless his heart ) always manages to grab a hold of my rolls and I pull away feeling embarrased and disgusted with myself!! He says he loves me no matter how small or big I may be. But, I am very self-conscious. I don’t wear the cute clothes and knee high boots I used to wear ( but, I still have them…I’m just waiting!!) Bless your heart!! You hang in there!! God will give you the strength. Take it and run with it!! You will be losing before you know it and without even realizing it!! God bless you and have an awesome day!!
I was right where you’re at back when I started on my journey….I could’ve written this blog. I can tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, really, there is truth to the saying about when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. I just know that you are going to beat this thing, because you have the right attitude! You phrased it perfectly…you WILL win! Hang in there because you are about to embark on a most fabulous ride!
Enjoy it and learn from it all that you can, it can be quite the wonderful journey.
Hey girl, I think there are very very few people in this world that really want to be unhappy and I don’t think that’s you at all because it sounds like you want to change. A person who wants to be unhappy would just keep talking about being unhappy but you are asking questions as to why and can it be changed and talking about your family. Sometimes I think we can ask alot of questions about ourselves but really the fact is that weight loss is so damn tough. It takes alot of work to change habits we have been doing forever. It takes alot of work to start working out and staying the course. It takes alot of work to eat the right foods all the time and it’s tough work. All of us on this site are overweight. Some more than others but that doesn’t mean we all want to be unhappy and that’s why we choose to keep doing all the wrong things. Sometimes it’s just simply weight loss is hard and we have to fight tooth and nail to do it and that’s not always the easiest thing to do. Your words fit exactly how I felt about myself about 2 years ago. Keep fighting girl. There is a better you waiting to come out and with some determination you can find her and it wouldn’t take forever either. Good luck girl.
Debbi, I hate to see you beating yourself up like this. I feel so close to you, and I can actually feel the pain in your words, but I feel so helpless to do anything but listen quietly and let you know that I am always here for you. You have my email and yahoochat info… do not hesitate to reach out even if you just want to vent. Hang in there, as was said before, the only place to go from rock bottom is up!