Told Myself I Don’t Care, Because He Doesn’t Care Enough
It’s been a lonely, sad weekend for me. I’m packing up the house, stirring memories, and facing things I don’t want to deal with. How do you divide photos of a life and children together? It hurts. I am fighting very hard to not let this spiral me down into that pit I go far too often. My nails are dug in the dirt…clawing to pull away from that hole with every tug pulling me towards it.
Yesterday I caved and made oatmeal cookies. I had thought about them for several days and was too lazy to make them. But I found the energy yesterday…telling myself I’m an idiot the whole time. Then, I didn’t just eat a couple…oh no…I grazed on them the whole day. As I picked up another round of them, this is what went through my head…
“whatever…I don’t care”…“WHY don’t you care???”…“because he (husband) doesn’t care…he doesn’t care enough to be with me”.
I always ask myself why, when I do self destructive things, but the answer that always comes back is, I don’t know. I also hear myself saying “whatever” a lot. It normally comes when something hurts and I try to tell myself I don’t care, but I do.
How do I work past this? I’ve got to break this cycle. I have to matter enough to myself, regardless of anyone else. I have to care and value myself enough. My self esteem has never been good but it is microscopic at this point. I want to teach my kids better. I don’t want them to suffer through things I have. And yet when I am sad or angry or depressed, I DON’T CARE. I feel like such a failure…in so many areas of my life. I’ve learned over time that I’m a “discouraged perfectionist”. I want things just right and when they aren’t, I give up, feel like a failure, and continue the pattern.
How have some of you worked through these issues? How do you teach yourself that you matter?
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Wow you are a very strong and honest person…I mean just to admit these things is brutal but YOU are definitely going to be alright because it sounds like you really know yourself…I, too am called a perfectionist(almost sounds like a compliment) but I really understand how hard this can be…please don’t be so hard on yourself I mean for God’s sake this has to be one of the hardest things a person can go through and your worst vice is “eating a few too many oatmeal cookies” I think most of us would do A LOT worse than that!!So chin up and listen to some loud music(I recommend AC/DC for these occasions!!)and think of nothing else but YOU for now..Keep strong!!
Tough place to be right now. Be proud of being a good mother to your children and keep your cup full. You can’t give if you are empty. Surround yourself with loving friends and relatives. Hard to focus on a diet that deprives when you are already feeling deprived. Fill yourself up with high volume yummy veggies. Pictures do not have to be divided evenly. He will not appreciate them the same way. Give him something like the stereo and less pics ;p)
yarrow
OK, you ate the cookies. Wipe the crumbs off your face, and get MAD! Not at yourself. You’ve been doing a fantastic. Get angry at the man who is letting you down, don’t let him drag you down farther. Now is your chance to focus on yourself. Break old cycles, start everything fresh. Channel all your energies into building a new life…don’t waste energy blaming yourself, make it all about you. It’s YOUR time. Whatever you do, don’t keep ingredients for failure in your kitchen cupboards ….like stuff to make cookies. That’s like an alcoholic keeping a bottle stashed ‘just in case’. If you need to talk, I’m here. You have my email address.
Sounds like you needed some comfort through a rough weekend. Oatmeal cookies happens to be my favorite so I proably would have picked them also, if I was making cookies. I like your honest open blog and will be back to read more.
~Peace
I’m not going through a divorce or separation but I lost my job on Friday. It is hard not to feel depressed. What I am doing is taking one day at a time. I’m not sleeping well at night so that is killing my eating.
Tomorrow, I will get up and go looking for a job. I am walking, and try to be as normal as I can.
Yesterday, I had a binging day. I know what you are going through.
Don’t let it get you down. You are on the way improving yourself. Just keep telling yourself that you are worth the time and effort.
That is what I am doing.
Let those emotions fill you for as long as you feel you need, but my advice (and it does work on the small things, not sure about your situation) do not dwell in the negative pit of anger and revenge. Remind yourself that you are in a better place where things are real. You deserve greatness and now is your time to discover how great and strong you are.
As for the cookies, I would have done the same thing. But today is a new day and I am guessing you have energy to burn. Take good care of yourself and look forward to all that life now has to offer you. Or better yet, what beautiful moments are you going to seize and really feel life? Good luck, if you need it.
Your kids will love you for not talking the trash game around them. Not that you would, but I just know this. I believe I have read your blogs before and you are a great mom as I recall.
I agree with Sandy….girl you are going through something that would rock anyone to their core. I am not sure about the mad part unless you can use that energy to get things done…but I agree whole heartedly about the rest. This can be the time for you and your kids. It’s a fresh start..and sometimes..we have to travel down a hard hard road in order to get where we really belong…I know this is hard..and I know we cant ease your pain…lord I wish I could!! Be loving towards yourself…be forgiving…we are here and anything you need…write a blog..or send a message….much love…Debbie
I can not even imagine how you feel. I had a bad break up with a past boyfriend but it can’t compare to years of marriage & children though. I took advice from a friend & even though it sounded stupid it helped me. I took a sheet of paper & folded it in half. I made a list one side good attributes & the other bad ones. It is amazing the way the mind works, & if your husband is similar to my ex the bad ones did out weigh the good ones. Everytime I felt depressed I would read the list & it made me feel better. When something isn’t available I tend to lose control & easily remember the good times & forget any problems we had etc. Drive thrus are my weakness, Wendy’s Big Bacon Classic Biggie Size Please: ) Especially if you are looking at old pics vactions, weddings, family functions etc. You are a strong person & the end of a relationship similar to a death & you have to give yourself time to mourn. You get a cookie pass, at least stop it now & do not beat yourself up about it we all have slip ups. Take Care
I will be praying for you, I will pray for strength, because it is what you need in this time….
Dont fret about the cookie.. you are going through a lot, its hard, hard. I SUPPorted my best friend throught a divorce . Listen make a list of things to do - & work of the list, 1 at a time, take however long neccessary. Get through - its like a spring clean to your life - sorry to sound cliche. Hold on in there.x
Thank you all for the support and advice. It truly means so much to me to be reminded I am not alone. I have loving family but dont want to put more on them because they have been hurt too. So thank you my BS family for the love…
Big hugs to you
Hang in there, it is tough but you’ll get through it and you’ll be stronger for it.
Try to look ahead to the future and the possibilities that are now open to you.
You are so much better off not being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
He doesn’t deserve you.
Take care
Lori
I’m so sorry hon.
We CARE…and we LOVE you girl!
Debbie, just logged on and saw your post. Been thinking and waiting to see what wisdom would come to me for you. Last night I was at the grocery store and marvelled that I didn’t want ice cream. When I was a single mom and stressed to the max, I couldn’t make it throught the store without it being a BATTLE inside my head for the creamy, soothing, sugary comfort that I “reasoned” the ice cream would bring me. That same word,”WHATEVER” is one that the Lord showed me was in my heart too. He showed me it is a rebellious word. It was there because of years of abuse…and pain…that cause me to hate inside. I turned the hate on me…when I should have turned it towards my true enemy…satan. I finally learned to do that. I am NOT perfect…but I can do some serious spiritual warfare. The greatest weapon I wield is LOVE!!!
I am learning to LOVE me now. That I do matter…that WHATEVER I do, say, eat wrong…that is is OK! God loves me and I want to be like Him:)
He loves you too Debbie…and He is with you…and He sees and knows ALL that you are going through. He is much more satisfying than a couple of cookies…or a man will ever ever ever be! Call on Him and He will meet you there in your pain, in your suffering, and He will give you PEACE! I love you so much and my arms ache to hold you and wipe away your tears!
Romans 5
Faith Triumphs in Trouble
1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have[a] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
In life there are people who feel life and give to everyone and there are people who live life and are selfish who are the takers, you sound like one of the really feeling people a giver, and that’s a great person to be, it’s better to live your life and feel and empathise with those around you no matter how much it hurts, because those great moments in life which may seem small to other people, with your kids or good friends are to be treasured and so much sweeter, life is great even when it hurts it has to be.
We love you, and I agree with Sandy, Time to get mad, you are better than this, and deserve better. Put that energy into some YOU time. Praying for you!
I know now why I had such a strong feeling that I needed to come back to Buddy Slim–it was for you. I am back and I am here, just as we all are, to help you through this. I have been there, to hell and back, and I have come out a stronger person. It will take time, patience and great friends to help you put the pieces back together. Consider me one of those–I am here to help you–we can and will do this.
Wow just look at that support…how awesome, does my heart good to know the BS family is always there.
I haven’t been there and I plan to be here for you whenever you need a friend.
I know how tough this is, everyone has given such good advice. I guess I would suggest putting troubles into God hands. Take it one day at a time.
And I agree with getting ‘MAD’ at not yourself for slipping once in a while, but get MAD at your situation and commit to yourself that YOU will make life a wonderful place to be for you and your children.
I’ll be praying for you. Please take care
Hugs, Jane