readytoemerge

My pants…my pants are getting loose, what did you think I meant?

I’ve noticed in the last week I’m getting baggy butt syndrome. My pants are getting loose, almost to the point of uncomfortable. I keep being amazed, as I pull my pants up and begin to go into the wiggle and pull routine, when I realize there is no need to wiggle…they pulled right up…there is no need to suck it in to zip because the zipper comes right together and slides up smooth…no pulling.

I will soon be moving down to the next size. I have gone through this before. It always felt good to go to the next size DOWN…from baggy to a little snug…then those become baggy and onto the next size down. This is also part of what scares me…I’m afraid of failing again. How can something that feels so good be let go of, only to regain the weight and be miserable? I’ve questioned myself before…wondering do I secretly enjoy being miserable. I hope not. I think I will wait another 5 pounds before I try on the next size.

I know like me, a lot of you have had problems with comments going to the moderation que thingy, right? Well, I just had to approve a comment on my blog from ME! Haha! I was logged in and wanted to comment to some of the replies. I noticed it wasn’t there and I knew where to check…there it was…sitting patiently, waiting for me to approve myself Maybe its Gods way of telling me to accept myself…

Ok. So I’m dealing with a lot of difficult, negative stuff in my personal life. But I was thinking about something POSITIVE yesterday. There are some challenges here at BS that I enjoy…WHAT?!? I said to myself (I do that…talk to myself…hey somebody has to).

I have never been a competitive person. To the point of ridiculous. An example you ask? Ok, you know merge lanes? HATE them! I don’t care if the other person gets in front first…as long as they go at least the speed limit. But it’s at that point when you are both approaching that I feel funny…like I COULD take you…but I don’t want to be pushy. I know, it’s dumb…just another thing I don’t “get” about me.

Alright, anyway…I was never the child picked first in the dreaded gym lineup to choose teams. Never played team sports other than neighborhood football (that was mainly to get tackled by the boys). I always feel defeated…before I begin…like I CAN’T accomplish it so why bother.

A few years back when my husband was still here. I asked him to show me some good workouts. He has always been interested in taking care of himself…and he does look good. One night during a workout, he was pushing me…in a positive, CHALLENGING way…I broke down…started bawling so hard. I felt so silly. It was hard to try to explain that to him because I didn’t really understand it myself, at least not enough to put words to it. That was the last time I worked out with him that way…my choice. Can’t help but wonder if I had not given up then, where WE would be now. Ok…away from that subject.

Last night, watching Biggest Loser, Amy (I think that is her name) broke down, and Jillian pressed her for the reason, she said because she is afraid of failing… I’ve heard it before, but guess it never FULLY connected with me till then. I FEEL like a loser so I may as well BE a loser. Sad.

So, My thinking is that these challenges here haven’t made me feel that way. I feel like it’s done in a safe place, in fun, understanding and love. There will not be the class jock to poke fun at me because I don’t measure up to his or her abilities. I can be truly happy for someone when they achieve things here, because I know they are working just as hard and struggling with similar issues.

I thank you guys for showing me that challenges and competition can be a positive thing. It does give me drive to accomplish more and do better. Thank you for giving me that.

Had to throw this in cause it’s what I usually feel like I think I can…I think I can…OH CRAP!

I’m on a mission to “find myself”. I’ve heard that phrase over time and never fully understood it until these last five years or so. I lost myself, who I really am, not who everyone expects me to be or thinks I am. I really have not experienced much in life. I grew up very shielded from the real world. And then after being married and especially since having kids…I’ve shielded myself. Becoming self employed 12 years ago put me further in a bubble. I’ve done what I had to, what was expected from me. I had to be the responsible one, the strong one, even when I wanted to fall and let someone take care of me. I had to wear the big girl panties when I wanted to run naked.

These last two years since my separation have been difficult. He has continued to live life…I have stood frozen and scared. I don’t know how to have fun. I know very little of what I’d like to do. The few things I like to do (camping, walking in woods), I’d be too afraid to do them on my own. I have free time and I don’t know how to use it. I am totally not a social butterfly, not, not, not. I don’t trust people in general…I been burned a few too many times. When I do feel comfortable, I start sharing too much because I am open…I try to be real, the good and bad. Kinda like now…I’m going on about personal things, trying to hold back yet it keeps spilling out.

I got up this morning and since it was cool and beautiful out, I went for a walk. The dew was glistening on the grass in the yard and on the taller grass in the fields around me. Geese flew over and the sun was already rising. I went back in for my camera and started my walk. Ok I stayed on my property…up and down the drive…behind the shop…back and forth…about an hour. I looked at the beauty around me…listened to the sounds of the crickets and birds. Trying to take it all in and remember it. I won’t live here much longer. I’ll miss the peacefulness I had here. I took some pictures. I talked to God. I tried to open myself up and pull away from the numbing place I seem to be more and more often. Reality hurts. I need to find my way again. I need to find myself again. I am down but not out. I am determined. I will be healthy, I will be happy, and I will know this lonely person inside this body. I am on a journey to discover…a mission possible.

I feel excited. My personal life is a mess…but I feel excited! It seems so many here are regrouping, recommitting, starting over…it feels good…positive. I need this positive focus, right now especially. It just seems to turn some of the negative stuff around and bring back HOPE. I know there will be many struggles but the inspiration of others here is what pulls me from that place where it seems impossible. I can see that I can reach my goal. For a long time I couldn’t see it anymore. But its back and hope is back and my life may continue to fall down around me…but it’s ok. I will be ok.

Thanks for your inspiration. We can do this!

I want to get a real good start on my fresh start. I was wondering if anyone might share a favorite food item to try or maybe even a meal idea. I’m a simple girl, don’t do too many fancy dishes but would love to hear anything you share. I’ll go first…I just tried the Special K Cinnamon Pecan cereal…yum!

This word has been used a lot lately in my life. My husband and I are digging deep and discussing what we are willing to commit to for the hope of rebuilding what is left of us. In that digging I am being brought face to face with things about myself that are sometimes easier left alone. Bottom line is I am unhappy…VERY unhappy. When I begin to grab that truth and look into the whys, I uncover reasons behind it. Some big, some little, some ridiculous, some justifiable. But I have to go deeper…and what it comes to…at the very bottom is, I am unhappy with letting myself go. I lost who I was. I lost who I could have been and I allow that to add anger to the unhappiness. I then become a person even I can’t stand to be around. Its time to recommit to changes in myself. I have additional commitments that I will keep personal. I may need to change these, add to them, tweak them, but here is my start. I need to leave it pretty simple and not overwhelm myself (which I am also good at doing).

For a healthier/happier me, I commit to…

• Begin WW program today…not tomorrow (on my own, cant afford meetings right now)
• Journaling food…prior to eating when possible
• Make better food choices while staying in points range (I’m good for using my points on unhealthy choices)
• Walking a minimum of 4 days each week (at least 30 minutes)
• Make efforts daily to be more active…get off butt
• Find what works. If something is not allowing progress, change it until it does. Don’t become stagnate and don’t quit.

I feel hope again. It was buried for a while. I know this won’t be easy. I am an emotional eater and I am on the edge of many difficult things that will test this in me. I will fail at times but I will not give up. Thank you buddies for the life line you’ve thrown into my pit so many times…it means more than you know.

For some of you who have been around a while, I need to know. Is this high drama a regular part here? If so, Im done. I cant take the berating of each other. This was at first a nice place to escape that. I have been here at BS for about 4 months. At least half of that time has had DRAMA! If this is what it is I want no part any more. Please, someone tell me it wont be like this. I have so much grief in my life, I don’t need it here too. This is breaking my heart to see this kind of behavior in a SUPPORT group.

Without going into names or situations, I just need to know if its just like this here, if its been this way and wont change…

I am not making judgment on anyone but myself. I am unhappy with me; I am not ok with where I am. This is about being honest with myself. The cold, hard, truth. No excuses or justifications. Not trying to beat myself up, just trying to face the truth and change it or deal with it.

I let my being overweight change my life. I let it interfere with my marriage and my children’s health.  Do I secretly desire to be miserable and lonely? Am I happier being angry at myself and what my life has been? If someone said they would harm my family if I didn’t lose weight, wouldn’t I in a heartbeat? What is it going to take?

My marriage has suffered, so let me be real. There are MANY issues as to why it is where it is. Don’t misunderstand that I am saying my being fat caused it to falter. BUT, I have to face the truth. My being fat changed the person I used to be. I have to deal with my part, and that’s what this is about. I feel like a disgusting blob. I allowed my weight to change how I dress, what I do or don’t do and how I act. I’ve become a sad, angry person. I don’t want to be noticed yet I eat till I’m so large I cant be missed. I let my weight for the most part destroy my intimate relationship with my husband. I don’t feel sexy or like I could do certain things without looking completely ridiculous. I don’t like to be touched where I feel the fattest, because it reminds me its really there. Its kept me from doing things with him, because I didn’t want to humiliate him (no he never said that…its what I felt). I became very withdrawn. Sad to be alone yet happy to not be around others.  I look at my body, my face and feel like how would anyone want to be with that, and yet I want to be loved no matter what I look like. What is wrong with me? How can I choose a love affair with food over a love affair with the man I love so deeply? He’s never made me feel I need to be a size 2, just healthy. If I were HAPPY being fat, ok…but I’m not. Am I just happy being unhappy? I hope not. Deep down I don’t think so.

I’ve allowed it to affect my kids. Several struggle with weight issues and get picked on in school for it. How could I do that? Do I really not care enough?? I would do anything to protect my family and yet I haven’t. How can this desire to eat have such power? How can I care more about eating than the health of my kids and the habits I’m teaching them?

I’m being selfish in my opinion. Fleshly desires vs. Godly desires. I wouldn’t rob a bank or deal drugs or murder, yet I’m a glutton. I’m lazy. And to top it off, all of it has made me self absorbed and consumed with this. So many better things I could be doing in my life…

It is time to commit to some changes. I need to value the life God gave me and show Him I do. I need to value the kids who are a blessing and show Him I do.

I’m stubborn, and slow to get it sometimes, but I’m not a quitter. I will fight this war and win…I will win.

It’s been a lonely, sad weekend for me. I’m packing up the house, stirring memories, and facing things I don’t want to deal with. How do you divide photos of a life and children together? It hurts. I am fighting very hard to not let this spiral me down into that pit I go far too often. My nails are dug in the dirt…clawing to pull away from that hole with every tug pulling me towards it.

Yesterday I caved and made oatmeal cookies. I had thought about them for several days and was too lazy to make them. But I found the energy yesterday…telling myself I’m an idiot the whole time. Then, I didn’t just eat a couple…oh no…I grazed on them the whole day. As I picked up another round of them, this is what went through my head…

“whatever…I don’t care”…“WHY don’t you care???”…“because he (husband) doesn’t care…he doesn’t care enough to be with me”.

 I always ask myself why, when I do self destructive things, but the answer that always comes back is, I don’t know. I also hear myself saying “whatever” a lot. It normally comes when something hurts and I try to tell myself I don’t care, but I do.

How do I work past this? I’ve got to break this cycle. I have to matter enough to myself, regardless of anyone else. I have to care and value myself enough. My self esteem has never been good but it is microscopic at this point. I want to teach my kids better. I don’t want them to suffer through things I have. And yet when I am sad or angry or depressed, I DON’T CARE. I feel like such a failure…in so many areas of my life. I’ve learned over time that I’m a “discouraged perfectionist”. I want things just right and when they aren’t, I give up, feel like a failure, and continue the pattern.

How have some of you worked through these issues? How do you teach yourself that you matter?