readytoemerge

Hardheaded…I’ve been called that many times by different people. Maybe it’s not just a bad thing. After reading Chrisie’s blog this morning, it got me thinking… (yes I do that sometimes)… Why can’t I turn something I’ve viewed as a bad trait and make it positive? I need to find a way to manipulate my stubbornness and turn in for the good of my health. I can do that, I can do this. I am struggling to RE-lose the weight I gained, but I can do it.

 I feel like Scrat, from the Ice Age Movies, chasing the elusive acorn…like me chasing the ever elusive weight loss. He didn’t give up and I won’t either, IM TO STUBBORN…and that’s a good thing now, right? I need to get me some Scrat panties cause I feel a dance comin on! Oh yeah!

Ok…so I last blogged that it was time to put on my big girl panties and deal with stuff, and I’ve been busy trying to do just that. But I’ve run into a little snag. I’m going to paint a mental picture for you; it could get ugly so read on at your own discretion. You know how you get out of the shower, dry off and step into those clean skivvies? And you know how sometimes you are rushing just a bit…get that first foot through the leg hole and do a little hop as you thrust in the other foot…but uh oh…you didn’t make it…that second foot hit fabric, not the opening. So you hop around a little more, trying desperately to get your toes untangled and that dang second foot through, maybe even getting a little spin action in on it. You may start to hear music as you do the panty twist. Finally, that second foot goes through…you have success…WHEW! Then it hits you…WHAT am I doing. Just stop this nonsense. Maybe even laughing at the thought of yourself and what that little dance must have looked like. Thank goodness the mirror was still steamed up!

A buddy, who is dear to my heart, suggested that I don’t need to stress over getting those big girl panties on…and as a matter of fact, I don’t have to wear any at all, hee hee. FREEDOM! I just need to do the best I can do, not worry about what I feel I should measure up to, or how quickly I need to do so. So if I want to go without them, it’s ok. If I try them on from time to time and only get one leg in doing the panty twist, it’s ok. But right now…for this moment…I’m gonna wear them on my head and look for the fun and laughter that I’ve been missing out on. If it takes wearing panties (clean panties) on my head to find the joy, then that’s what I’m going to do. So here’s to you Chrisie!

Excuses + Depression = 10 Pounds… 

Last week I was “filled” from the conference. My weight had gone down a bit. I felt briefly refreshed. And then back to reality…I remembered, oh yeah…my life sucks…I want to escape it…tired of dealing with everything…so down in my pit I went…with a box of Munchkins in hand.

Well, little donut holes only last so long…my belly desired more…to squash down the emotions that kept wanting to erupt. So my nose, mouth and tongue agreed to help. My feet and hands joined in. They all plotted and schemed with satan, to rise against me when I was at my lowest…not caring what I put in my body. PMS wanted in on the fun, followed closely by TOM or MF as I sometimes call it (my “friend”J). I ate crap…now I feel like crap.

How does food comfort and yet leave you feeling used and disgusted? Why is this such a hard lesson to learn? I let my emotions wash me out to sea again. I let my excuses give me permission to eat…oh you poor thing you deserve that slice of pizza…PAA-LLEASE! I’m a big girl…I know better. I went into this binge willingly and it cost me. I gained 10 pounds…10 POUNDS in one week!

So what if I’m depressed…so what it bill collectors are hounding me…so what it I sign for a certified letter everyday from someone else coming to take something…so what if I lose my house…I’m losing myself by continuing to eat my life away. I HAVE to be accountable…I have to be in charge of my body. I’m not rich…I can’t afford a personal chef or to go to some spa to let then do it for me. I HAVE TO DO IT! NO EXCUSES… NO MORE! Its time to lose the mind set that I get a cookie just because my life hurts my feelings. Oh well! I need to use common sense…I’ve got to dig it out from the pile of rubble it’s under…but I’m going to find it and use it. I don’t like playing games…the mental, emotional kind. I HATE when someone does it to me and yet here I am …doing it to myself. It’s time to be brutally honest with myself and get real with losing this weight or let go and accept being fat and miserable. I can’t keep playing back and forth to each side. Do I secretly enjoying losing the same weight over and over? Am I fighting between wanting to be out in the world and be noticed and wanting to be invisible and left alone? Why am I soooo complicated? I like simple…easy to understand. I need to cut through all the crap I’ve become and surrounded myself with and find the SIMPLE. I need to stay on guard, watching for the approaching problems and negativity…they are the ones who love to throw those blasted pity parties. The hangovers suck…I feel gross and my head is killing me. I’ve popped more Advil since 3 this morning than I should. I need to remember this side effect from binging on crappy McD at 8pm. This is the result. I was going to say tomorrow I will start…but it is today…today is the day. I will only do more damage by waiting. Its time to bury my eyes in the Bible and let God fill my heart. I will write my motivational list today…I was going to last night but it’s kinda hard when you’re holding a double cheeseburger…duh! Exercise needs to come soon but I need to focus on the other things first. I welcome any suggestions…healthy meal ideas…strategies…

Its time to go and log my weight gain… oh I don’t want to, but in order to be accountable I am. Have a great day…a great week…and please watch you’re step near that pit. I’ll call a cement truck to fill it in.

Fell into another one…think it was a depression hole but I missed the sign on my way down. Pretty sure I can climb my way out but I’m tired and out of energy, so I’m just kinda sitting down here in it for a bit. And to make it worse, someone threw a box of Dunkin Donut Munchkins down here for me.

There are a lot of holes in my backyard (my life). I try to fill them in once I get out but I’m pretty sure there is a hole mole or gopher working against me. I know I can probably kill a few of them with “medicine” from the Doc but I’ve been down that road too. Don’t like where it put me… I’m not willing to take meds to numb my emotions because my life is miserable anymore. Can’t say I don’t get tempted tho. I really feel so many of my problems have to do with the way of the world now. We don’t rest any more…everything is rush, rush, stress finances to the max and beyond, work, work, work…almost everything runs 24 hours…cell phone don’t allow peace when you leave the office or your home for that matter. Is the convenience really worth it? If my life were over today, I would regret what I have made my priorities. I would regret the amount of time I wasted with food and being fat. I would regret the amount of time I gave to work and not my kids. I would regret going into debt so terribly to try to save a business. I don’t want to regret…I’m just not sure how to change certain things, and yes I am seeking Gods will in it all. I’m just still in the dark…

I’m sharing this for two reasons. One,  I need to get things out and not hold it in allowing it to eat away at me and me in turn eating away at any thing edible near me. And two, because I know I’m not alone in this…I know some of you have your own hell you’re going through. We feel alone at times, sometimes a lot…but we are not.  

Between the clapping and the “arena dancing”, the clapping and the arena stairs, the clapping and the not so yummy boxed lunches, the clapping and the headache from the heat, I lost 2 pounds! Yeah! Did I mention the clapping? No silly, I don’t mean my thighs

The Women of Faith Conference was Amazing…a little loud at times. (I am a person who enjoys some quiet, alone time and that didn’t happen but its ok.) So many highlights, so many amazing women who touched my heart, so many messages where I heard God speak to my heart. The laughter, the crying, the singing…I am still absorbing it all quite honestly. So many wonderful moments and speakers…Patsy Clairmont, Marilyn Meberg, Shelia Walsh, Sandi Patty, Jan Silvious, Anita Renfroe, Louise DuArt, Allison Allen & Steve Arterburn. Nicole C. Mullen and Natalie Grant sang, not to mention the beautiful and wonderful Worship team singers. We even got to see a World Vision “child” who is now grown and going to school at George Mason U. His name is Emanuel and he happened to have been influenced earlier in life by Sandi Patty’s music and Friday he sang on stage with her, unrehearsed, it was beautiful. Id have to say Patsy Clairmont is probably my most favorite, I relate to certain things with her…like the fact she is not a morning person . Anita Renfroe is hysterical. Anita puts songs to different words…for example last year she took Faith Hills “Just Breathe” and made it “Don’t Breath”…as in her husbands bad breath…did the video just like Faith’s. This year she did it to Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”…changed it to “Before I Eat”. (There is a pretty bad recording on YouTube. But it’s funny.)  

 Anyway, I was reminded that God has not forgotten me…made me bawl…I know He’s there but you know, sometimes I feel forgotten in this messy life…I needed to hear it spoken. Also that God never promised us a smooth flight, just a safe landing.

Things went pretty smooth over all. My friend and I got a system down for the walking and maneuvering the obstacles along the sidewalks, construction, ramps, etc. (she is legally blind, can see some things, no detail or definition, mostly blurs).  We all found a wonderful little place called Potbelly’s where we were able to eat a decent dinner the first night and breakfast the next morning. Good sandwiches, soups, etc. at very good prices. Paid less than at McD’s and no greasy food! Yes! We had our “fancy” dinner on Friday. I enjoyed myself but didn’t have to be rolled out, that’s progress for me.

I have to say to every woman, please consider going to Women of Faith…you will be touched, you will be blessed. It’s worth any inconvenience and cost. Here is a link to the site,  http://www.womenoffaith.com/default.asp

Hope you all had a great weekend and are doing well!

Well, it’s finally here… My getaway/Girls weekend/Woman of Faith Conference! I’m heading out late this afternoon to begin making way to DC. Not my favorite place but what and who I will be surrounded by is worth it. Beautiful, loving women… mother, sister, sister-in-law, friends, cousins and even strangers. We will splurge again this year and sit down to a nice dinner on Friday during a break between the pre-conference and the start of the actual conference. I’m going to enjoy what I want but not over indulge or try to finish everything on my plate just because it’s expensive. Did that last year

 I do tend to get anxious in crowd situations, I get that claustrophobic feeling and fear of getting hurt (when all you see every night on the news is shootings in DC). A little added anxiety, ok a
LOT of added anxiety is that my friend that is going (and I’m soooo happy she is), can’t see well at all. A couple years back she was in a good position at her job, raising her son…then pretty much overnight it changed. She developed little bubbles on one of her eyes and things just spiraled down. She goes to
Hopkins and even with all the knowledge there, they are unsure as to what or why it is. She’s had procedures and surgery. And it has even begun in her other eye. She is the sweetest person and her life has been filled with so much grief, not just this but so much else from childhood to bad marriage, to divorce…so many issues. Anyway, I just ask for prayer that I can get her around safely, especially as we walk to and from the conference, not to mention the arena steps…oh my! I think I put on my Worry-wort hat overnight!

Well, still have a lot of work to do before leaving. Hope you all have a SUPER weekend!!

Me And God (Josh Turner) 

There ain’t nothing that can’t be done
By me and God
Ain’t nobody come in between me and God
One day we’ll live together
Where the angels trod
Me and GodEarly in the morning talking it over
Me and God
Late at night talking it over
Me and God
You could say where like two peas in a pod
Me and God

God has blessed me by so many here at BS. You are great support. I have strayed from my relationship with Him, it’s not where it needs to be and I know that is a large part of my struggle. I allowed satan to throw my life in a pit and be totally distracted by life. So much so that it took me away from God…not completly…He is in my life in so many ways, just not in the way He should be. That is MY fault. I wandered from God, He has not left me. I allowed the wall to build up, not Him. Its time that God is the priority in my life, in my heart. That is my first step…to me and God, again. That above anything else in my life right now, so if I seem to disappear, I have not…Im just hanging out with God.

I’m not looking for sympathy (or a butt kicking for that matter). I just need to get this out. I’m lost, totally…completely. I’m not sure what is wrong with me…maybe years of stuffed emotions…maybe midlife crisis…maybe the change…overwhelmed financially…overwhelmed in personal life…depression…

Every time I think I’ve gotten on the right trail, I end up wandering off the path. Just a little at first and before I know it I don’t recognize anything around me. Right now I don’t know who I am. I’m trying to grasp that. Ever hear the phrase, “Fake it till you make it”? I’m having trouble “faking” it. I try to put on the smile and keep a sense of humor, but I’m struggling to do that. I don’t want to come here and be gloom and doom all the time. But portraying that life is wonderful is far from real for me right now. I can’t get a hold of one issue because everything seems to be spinning around me. You know those shows where they go in someone’s home and the clutter is unreal? The person was so overwhelmed that it just built and they could never tackle it themselves. That’s what my head feels like. It’s what my life feels like. As I head to one problem area to “fix” it, another problems rolls under my feet and trips me up. I lose focus of where I was headed and become more overwhelmed with the newest problem.

I’m on my hands and knees, praying, crawling, feeling my way through the darkest places. I’m sorry to any buddies I haven’t been there for. I’m trying to find my way back…I coming…I’m just lost.