readytoemerge

You challenged me so here goes.

Something I’ve noticed that has changed about me since starting this new weight loss journey is…

I am trying to face challenges, not run from them.

I feel inspired to change for the better.

I feel more positive about seeing it through to the end this time.

I feel like part of a team working together instead of one person fighting alone.

I have a better attitude…most days…

I am happier with myself because I’m doing something good for me.

I’ve noticed my clothes beginning to loosen up a bit.

I am taking more time for my well being.

I am making better choices with my eating.

I am making effort to walk.

I feel uplifted by so many here at BS.

I have a new extended family here.

So here it is Dawn. Thanks for the challenge, it caused me to stop and reflect on this last month. I’m looking forward to reading yours.

I rode a few waves today and God rode ‘em with me. (My earlier blog was about my emotional wave.)  I didn’t walk this morning, I try to do it first because by the days end I just don’t have it in me. Anyway, I did walk tonight. I wanted to push a little more than what Ive done (pretty much 20-25 min. just getting back into this). I started my music and chose Mercy Me. It just wasn’t working for me tonight and God lead me to an older cd (Point of Grace-Girls of Grace). Then I walked, and I felt good, and He blessed me. I did 2 miles (46 min), for me thats good. Listening to Every Move I Make just strengthened me with each step.

 Every move I make I make in You, You make me move Jesus. Every breath I take I breathe in You. Every step I take I take in You, You are my way Jesus. Every breath I take I breathe in You.

Waves of mercy, waves of grace, everywhere I look I see Your face. Your love has captured me, Oh my God, this love, how can it be…

Oh the joy in my heart with this workout…surfing with Jesus and walking with Jesus..how much better could it be? Just wanted to share it

I rode an emotional wave out this morning and I feel pretty good about it. Its been emotional since last night with issues involving the separation and parenting differences. Its a real struggle. I got pretty upset this morning…I felt my anxiety & anger building and my emotions swelling. My gut reaction was to hop in my car and drive to McD’s for a breakfast bagel. I didn’t. I let the wave roll and eventually it washed over the sand and let me off on the beach. I have to go back out in that water again, several more times today to deal with the issues. But Im hoping that this morning strengthened me enough that Ill be body surfing them in… one after the other baby! Oh yeah!

Four weeks and counting, counting, counting! Women of Faith is coming to DC and I cant wait! It will be a MUCH needed refreshing of my heart. I am blessed to share it with my Mom, sister, sister-in-law, daughter & niece again. Im very excited that this year my best friend, two cousins and I think one of their daughters will also be going. GIRL TIME! I am using this as a focal point to keep my mind off current issues, right now its working I also hope to let this inspire me to get down to the next pant size and fit in those tiny seats at the conference. Go me, Go me!

I am weary…drained. But Im ok

We had to file reports yesterday on the driver thefts. The Deputy was here over 2 hours. Im sick over this. I feel backed into a corner by having to press charges. Its felonies on them. One of them was (we thought) a good friend. I also fear retaliation from this. He “strongly recommended” a security system, and a no trespass order. He also said he would put us on a patrol list or something, meaning they would be randomly checking in here. Im alone here now with 3 of the kids usually with me. I am worried.

THANK YOU to all who left comments for me on the last blog. I cant express how it touched me. I know God heard your prayers and I felt lifted up…thank you.

I know God is with me and I know I need to continue to lean on Him. I also have to say tho that I am tired. It’s been close to 4 years of very stressful times, the last 2 1/2 have been emotional & financial torture. It just doesn’t seem to stop and tho Im trusting God, Im weary. I wonder how much more. I’ll be ok, I am ok, I just feel the need to withdraw sometimes and lick the wounds. Ive been saturating myself with music (they say it soothes the savage beast). There are so many songs that touch me but Ive been listening more to Aaron Shust , Stillness-Speak to Me & More Wonderful to mention a couple. If you haven’t heard him and enjoy Casting Crowns, Mercy Me and Third Day, I think you would love his stuff.

I know God lead me to this site, not just for the weight loss support but to meet some amazing people, loving, caring, God loving people. Thank you Lord and BS Buddies! Love you guys!!

Oh Lord…please help me. My nerves have been so bad the last couple days that I haven’t had an appetite. But I can feel it stirring in me all day today. Ive felt it many times before. Its a meltdown…a numb-fest. I want everything thats going on around me to go away and let me be happy. I try day after day to stand up and make the best of it. I can only do it so long before I break and I think today may have done it. Im about to start bellyachin and whining so you may want to bail. Here goes…

* My husband came by yesterday afternoon. Stayed a couple hours. Said he just wanted to be with me. I really dont know how to respond to it…

* Then my youngest had a melt down when it was time for dad to go. He’s hurting. He’s struggling with this separation and has a hard time knowing where to be. Said he never wants to have kids. Broke my already broken heart.

* Woke up this morning with a sore throat and swollen glands. Guess that gift is from my youngest also as he was very sick last week. We have no health insurance at the moment. I also need blood pressure meds refilled by Friday…no insurance…

* Made it up to the office to find a resignation letter from a driver. He was under dispatch, had a load to be picked up early this morning to NY…

* Logged online for banking and discovered one of the driver withdrew a total of $1500.00 over 3 days. Items are still listed in pending and bank cant tell me who till tommorow. I have a pretty good idea who…that took our fuel $ to run…

* He was not the first…A week prior, our most trusted employee pulled the same stunt, leaving with close to $3000.00…

How do people do this? This isnt OUR money it is company money to run the business. This is why Id rather withdraw from the world and not have to trust anyone. Please somebody assure me that I dont need to stuff my belly. I know it wont change things I just dont want to keep being hurt :(  I dont do drugs, I dont get drunk, although it has crossed my mind, I DO FOOD! Somebody stop this fool from ruining this past week because of other fools…please.

I walked on my treadmill today. Second day in a row-woohoo! I listened to my praise music as I walked and God spoke to me through it. Several songs had me crying because they just touched my heart. He knew what was heavy on my heart and what I was struggling with. When God shows Himself in that way it is overwhelming!

One of the songs was Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns. It speaks of the voices of failure and how they taunt us, telling us we’ll never win. But God tells us we can! The chorus goes:

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
The voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

We are our own worst enemy sometimes. Hope we all can learn to listen to the Voice of Truth. He speaks it in so many ways, we just have to be quiet enough to listen. Church dismissed!

How could anyone resist this! Tempting, enticing, delicious!

Just had to share this photo taken at my sisters yesterday. We were celebrating my niece’s graduation (my daughter and another nephew also graduated this past week). There were actually two fruit baskets and a large veggie basket, all just gorgeous! I didn’t get pictures of those because the natives were feasting By the end of the night only poor honeydew remained (I should have snapped a photo-it was kinda funny). Could you imagine if all our foods - good foods, were prepared this way. I know I for one would eat a lot healthier. I love fruit but hardly ever take the time to prepare it. Im always looking for the quick grab. Anyway just thought Id share. It inspired me to think more about making a bigger effort on my foods and prep. Now go buy some…you know you want too…come on , just one pineapple…it will make you feeeel good.

Love, Your Fruit Pusher Buddy

… as i kick the stupid scale out the door!

OK…I am one who at least at this point in time needs to step on that scale every day or two. I need my work validated (for now). I know what some of you are thinking, but its where I am right now. I think a little further down the road I will be able to step back from it. Its not coopererating with me. I really grabbed ahold of my eating this week…a little too much I guess. Ive struggled with not getting in enough points (calories). I know from past times my body is requiring more but my problem is, if I eat more it goes too far. Im on the tightrope and if I lean too far to the left I wobble and fall over to the bad side…the side with no net.

You know what just occured to me tho, duh you idiot (me not you), I DO have a net on BOTH sides now. It has little BS symbols all over it. (I know…Im a strange one). This is why it will be different this time. Its not like Ive never been supported with weight loss before, but not in this way. Who ever knew BS would stand for something good I KNOW I am going to succed this time and this site is a big part of why. God is my ultimate NET, my ultimate support, my ultimate strength, but He allows me my own choices and thats where Ive made poor ones. You guys help keep me focused and throw a line out when I drift a little to far, or hold the net tight when I fall off the tightrope.

Just had to air out…Thanks again for all the love! I feel it! :))  <— Thats my new symbol…had to get in the double chin heehee.

My name is Debbi and Im a BuddySlimaholic.

Im bingeing and trying not to purge because this is stuff, good stuff, I want to stay in my system. Im insatiable at this point. I dont want help want help stopping this addiction, I need you all to “feed” it. Fill me with your wisdom, love and support. I hope the overflow will pour from my heart back to you in the same form.

My only problem right now is Im not getting enough food in, therefore not losing much. I have to find the right daily amount for me. There is a very fine sliver between not eating enough and not stopping for me. I dont understand that but its me. All or nothin! How do you use that for the better when its food? It would be great if it applied to alcohol (just dont drink) or exercise (just dont stop). Ive messed with my body so much over the years that IT is on to me. IT knows what Im trying to do and dug in its ugly heels. I also need to get my exercise in regularly. And there is the small matter of my work and taking care of the home. (I did dishes and laundry last night after forcing myself to sign off…my consious was tugged after reading Dawn’s blog about having attachment issues too). I guess at some point I will begin to wean myself but only a little. This is like a second home for my lonely self..boohoo. Thanks for making me feel so welcome and at home. I love my internet family! And for now Im going to feed the need and feel the love!

 <— That is EXACTLY what I feel like!