What was I Thinking!
I only lost 0.2 this week. Maybe it was the MM (monthly monster), or maybe I ate poor choices even tho I stayed in my points and did not use all my flex points. I DEFINATELY drank my water. I can prove it by the hump growing on my back 
So I was sitting in a finally quiet house this afternoon, thinking…I need to lose 3 pounds by next weigh in to hit my personal goal in order to stay on track for my Christmas Challenge goal. Now that I only had a 0.2 this week I started to feel like I cant do that. Then other evil thoughts started creeping in…may as well go pig out, youre not going to get this goal just like you didnt get all your other goals…why bother wasting anymore energy…your a loser, youre not one of those people that can succed…just go get it over with fatty…
Why is this? Why after having success do I feel the need to quit? So what if my life is not what I want, so what if its a complete mess…so what! Why do I want to make it worse and feel poorly about myself? I really wish I understood why so I can work past it for good. Is it self hatred? Is it laziness? Is it lack of desire? Do I want to keep my fat shield around me? Do I think it protects me from getting hurt??? It doesnt…Im hurting now, my fat didnt protect me from that. I have to live life and I have to be myself. In being myself, I open up, sometimes to the wrong people. I trust, sometimes the wrong people. I love, deeply, sometimes the wrong people. And so I get hurt. My fat didnt protect me. If that is why I keep it, it didnt protect me. Maybe it does keep certain people from me, but maybe it shows people I dont care about myself so they can take advantage of me…maybe.
Sorry… it started spilling out.
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Hey! I do this too…my thing I say is…it doesn’t matter…I might as well…
Recently, I was so frustrated…I grabbed a box of graham crackers (something that I normally count and put in little baggies) and just started eating them…
Thank goodness it was the end of the box…or I might have eaten the whole box: )
I think this is just part of the process. And might always be something we have to battle. I know for me…it is a lot less than it used to be…and it is getting better.
Here is some good scripture to chew on…instead of graham crackers: )
Take your thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy-keep thinking about these things.
That took me back to my WDW days, its such GOOD scripture!
I have to tell you tho Chrisie, graham crackers are “good” food, I go for the “bad” ones
isnt funny that no matter how well we do.. there’s always a little bit of us ready to go into self-sabotage mode on a moments notice? I’d love to know if there was a way to flip a switch, and get rid of this. Would make weightloss so much easier! But it’s good to see that you’re examining your own possible motives for self sabotage. It is usually fear of the unknown, what will it be like when you’re thinner and you get more positive attention.
Don’t give up!! We all have those inner struggles and demons that we wrestle when the scales doesn’t say what we want it to say. Keep your goals in sight–YOU CAN acheive them! We have to make our life OUR OWN. I know all about that and all of your Buddies are here to support you.
Amy
Do NOT quit, it is still a loss!! You can do it. Just refocus on why you started, and hang in there!
