readytoemerge

I can’t find it. I’m not sure what is going on but I am really struggling with finding that place where my body is happy to drop weight, even a little each week. I can be an all or nothing kind of gal, so it’s easier for me to eat none to minimum than it is to eat more and stop. It’s very tempting to do things to drop weight to hit my goal, but I know it would just come right back on. I’ve tried just eating my daily points and no loss. I tried eating daily and flex points, no loss. I do tend to hit a number on the scale and stay and visit it a while before dropping down again but this is frustrating. True, I have not made the best food choices but I’ve stayed in my point range. I guess with getting older I can’t “get away” with some of the things I have before. I can’t deny myself anything, that would be pure diet death for me. Tell me I CANT have kale and I will crave kale (I HATE kale). I know I’m a mental case but I’m trying. Same with exercise, I get excited, push to hard, end up with shin splints or terrible arch pain and then can’t do anything.

I’ve got to re-examine here and now. I can’t go another week and not lose. I set a realistic monthly goal for the Christmas Challenge and it looks like that’s not going to happen unless my body sheds overnight.

OK…I am very down about this and yes that little voice is with me, telling me you may as well give up…BUT I am tooooo stubborn to quit. I’m not giving up. I just need to figure out what things I need to change. Going to go over my food journal and some old ones to look at weeks I did well. I need to be careful about the sodium and maybe throw some other form of exercise in. More fruits and veggies…fresh.

Just talking it out with myself…and whoever may stubble on my nonsense. It will come…I am not a patient person…I will continue and I AM GOING TO WIN THIS BATTLE! I am going to use my stubborn nature for my benefit. Being a hard headed mule will pay off for me…HEE HAW!

I ate ½ pkg. of banana bread oatmeal this morning…couldn’t eat it…not for me.

Lunch time came and I caved…Roy Rogers…bacon cheeseburger…and strawberry shortcake (YUM). Now I feel gross. Frustrated with myself. Why do I justify it in my head somehow that it is ok, that maybe this will jump my body the right way? Ill tell you why…cause it’s happened in the past. I’ve learned over the years that sometimes when I “cheat” I end up losing weight. The problem is I don’t normally stop “cheating” and then gain back all I’ve lost plus a few or 20.

I’ve been struggling two weeks now. The scale doesn’t want to cooperate. I’m not getting enough calories/points in so by the end of the day I end up having higher calorie foods which aren’t the healthiest choice. Drinking my water and then some. Exercise not so good. I had an issue with my treadmill and my kids using it as a toy this week. I got upset and that along with sorting thru the other fabulous issues in my life, has kept me from taking my sorry behind on my little jog. I did download the music thingy to do the c25k with. Hoping that will get me going.  I don’t want to keep going down this road; I’m tired of the view…

I want to say THANK YOU, so very much for all the prayers and comments of support. It is indescribable how you can feel that much care and love from “strangers” so to say. You are my extended family and I sincerely mean that.

Yesterday was a long, long day. Before J and I were able to sit down to talk, we had a call from a detective. He needed to come out to follow up on the reports we had to file the other week for the thefts. He was here 2 hours…very frustrating…very discouraging.

Anyway, we regrouped from that and sat for our talk. We did decide to make the marriage work, to not let it go. I am still afraid…I think the fear is fear of failing again. Just like the fear of failing at weight loss. I’m not a quitter, my Dad reminded me of that a couple nights ago. I had called him in the midst of a powerful storm; I had lost my satellite and needed to know if there were any tornado warnings. (FYI-I have a STRONG fear of tornados, and since moving here, for the first time ever in my life, I have no basement). Anyway, in the conversation I spoke to him a little about making a decision and being confused and afraid. He reminded me of some past things and that I am not a quitter, not to say that if I chose to be finished with the marriage that I would be quitting, just that I will go on and be strong either way. I know this but sometimes it is nice to be reminded by someone who loves you and knows you, good, bad and ugly. So…there are some more things to discuss and sit down with the kids. I want to handle this right with them. I’m nervous.

I need to get my eating on track. I’ve been under my points/calories which for me usually tells my body to hold or gain.

Thank you all again for the love, prayers and support. My heart is filled with it. I hope I can be as good to you all as what you’ve given me.

I have a decision to make today… I am scared and unsure. Its time to either go back into the marriage or end it for good. I’m scared of making the wrong decision. I want my marriage, but not how it was and it’s been so long, I’m afraid of what it will be like. I’m afraid to risk being hurt again. Can I fully trust? I gave trust, beyond my gut and I was deceived and betrayed. I hate what he’s done but love him. I can’t not love him. If I let go and end it, will I regret it? Will I be able to trust anyone else? I don’t know that I can. When the person you trusted more than anything, betrays it…how can you believe anyone can be true. My head is spinning.

I want to be on here reading blogs but I need to focus. Maybe tonight I will. A decision will be made today…please pray for God to lead me, to lead him, to make the right decision. Thanks for the love & prayers!

Ok…I started the C25K last night and I did something I told myself I wouldn’t be able to do. I ran, ok jogged. Only 60 seconds at a time, and no I wasn’t fast as lightning (probably more like slow as molasses, cause that is as slow as my a** is). I also felt good about a result from that and you would never guess it so Ill tell you, I was sweating like crazy and… I liked it. You have to understand, I don’t like to sweat, normally. I don’t like to feel sticky, stinky and gross, usually. But it was almost like some sick reward. It told me I did something to earn it. Yay!

Now I just pray my knees, shins and ankle hold up. They are a little achy, mainly my ankle. I injured my ankle in a 4 wheeler mishap last August. Ok technically I was getting OFF the 4 wheeler and it happened  Just doesn’t sound as daring…hee hee. My brother had rolled his and in my rush to stop and get to him I stepped off mine without looking down. My right foot stepped on a rock and my ankle rolled…next I knew, I was on the ground wondering what happened to me. Kinda like I am now with my life. Anyway, he was ok and now I wasn’t. We had to ride back out, about 20+ minutes, over rocky, bumpy, bouncing trail. It took a loooong time to heal and didn’t heal right because I have a doctor who doesn’t LISTEN sometimes and I am stubborn…just a little…ok a lot.

Well, I got completely sidetracked :) I REALLY want to accomplish this…maybe I’m still on an adrenaline rush or something cause that is unlike me. I’ve never been athletic. Growing up I would play football with the neighborhood kids, mostly to get tackled by the boys and would ride my bike all over. In high school it was a lot of walking, to and from school was a couple mile each way (no not up hill both ways) and always walking to nearby Civic Center, a beautiful place with a Mansion to explore (you cant anymore), huge open field, gardens to walk thru, trails in the woods that led to a creek, tennis courts and the best sledding hill in winter. So I wasn’t athletic but I stayed moving. I do believe I’ve gotten sidetracked again. I was just excited that I did it and am excited to do it more. I wanted to share that with you all because I know here more than anywhere else, you understand what it means. Whether it’s the first step or completing a goal, you understand what it means. Someone else can be happy for you, but you really get what it means. I love you guys and all the support. I’m facing some MAJOR personal issues this week and ask for your prayers and also that God would allow my body to hold up thru the emotional and physical. Thanks buddies!

I only lost 0.2 this week. Maybe it was the MM (monthly monster), or maybe I ate poor choices even tho I stayed in my points and did not use all my flex points. I DEFINATELY drank my water. I can prove it by the hump growing on my back

So I was sitting in a finally quiet house this afternoon, thinking…I need to lose 3 pounds by next weigh in to hit my personal goal in order to stay on track for my Christmas Challenge goal. Now that I only had a 0.2 this week I started to feel like I cant do that. Then other evil thoughts started creeping in…may as well go pig out, youre not going to get this goal just like you didnt get all your other goals…why bother wasting anymore energy…your a loser, youre not one of those people that can succed…just go get it over with fatty…

Why is this? Why after having success do I feel the need to quit? So what if my life is not what I want, so what if its a complete mess…so what! Why do I want to make it worse and feel poorly about myself? I really wish I understood why so I can work past it for good. Is it self hatred? Is it laziness? Is it lack of desire? Do I want to keep my fat shield around me? Do I think it protects me from getting hurt??? It doesnt…Im hurting now, my fat didnt protect me from that. I have to live life and I have to be myself. In being myself, I open up, sometimes to the wrong people. I trust, sometimes the wrong people. I love, deeply, sometimes the wrong people. And so I get hurt. My fat didnt protect me. If that is why I keep it, it didnt protect me. Maybe it does keep certain people from me, but maybe it shows people I dont care about myself so they can take advantage of me…maybe.

Sorry… it started spilling out.

This is Yuuuummy! My Mom made one and it is tasty! Get it my belly good!

Strawberry Pie

1 small pkg. (1.1 oz.) sugar free COOK & SERVE vanilla pudding

2 cups water

1 small pkg. (0.3oz.) sugar free strawberry Jell-O

4 cups sliced strawberries

In a medium saucepan, stir together water and pudding mix. Heat to a boil.

Remove from heat and immediately add the strawberry jello. Stir until dissolved. Set the pan aside and let cool to room temperature.

Place strawberries in the bottom of a deep dish pie plate. Pour cooled pudding mixture over the berries. Refrigerate until completely chilled. Let it set well before slicing. Slice pie into 6 servings.

If you are counting WW points, the entire pie is only 6 points. 1 point per slice!

I AM going to have a good day today!

As I’ve said before, music sooooothes my inner savage beast (and sometimes the outer one too!). So, what song really lifts your spirit up? Come on…I know there are other beasts like me out there. Please tell me your pick me up song/music, I want to explore some of them, take em for a test drive. J

Oh to “disappear” from my life for a few days! The weather has turned absolutely GOREOUS here over the last few days. So much cooler than the nastiness last week. I took these pics late this morning. I just wanted to climb aboard one of those fluff balls and float away on the breeze…

I can’t remember the last vacation I’ve taken. Being self employed doesn’t always allow the “perks” you might think it would. It’s probably been close to 3 years since I last went camping and that would only be a quick weekend. Honestly, due to being unable to afford it, or young babies or too many responsibilities, I’ve MAYBE had four true vacations through my marriage. That would count the Honeymoon which wasn’t even a full week. So 20 some years…wow!

My body has been tired and sluggish the last several days. I can’t even bring myself to walk. Normally this kind of weather is like Catnip to me . Not sure if it’s something physical or just the emotional. I’m trying my bestest to stay up tho

Well, here’s my ride, I’d better scoot!

OK Linda, you challanged and tho Im a BIG behind, I mean a bit behind, here it goes.:)

I AM ALL THAT!

I’m a picker…I’m a grinner…I’m a lover…and I’m a sinner…oh wait, that’s already been done. Ok let’s see…I AM IRONMAN…nope that’s been done too.  

Alright, I’ve obviously got a strange sense of humor, not everyone “gets” me, but I do enjoy cutting up.

I am a child of God, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a niece, a mother, a friend, and a wife without a husband.

I am grumpy in the morning. (Must wake at my own pace.)

I am loyal (to a fault, to every one but me).

I am responsible (this gets old).

I am serious.

I am goofy (I like to embarrass my kids in the stores but they are learning to go with it).

I am overwhelmed with work, finances and my personal life.

I am a wanna-be-perfectionist (it sucks cause it then turns into all or nothing attitude).

I am shy, not outgoing, intimidated in crowds, not a social butterfly. I guess I hid behind my fat. The internet thing works best for me.

I am lonely and have been for quite some time, yet still afraid to venture out alone.

I love deeply and get hurt deeply because of it.

I am a music lover without musical talent

I am a dreamer. Always looking for the happy ending.

I AM ALL THAT and more. Changing day by day, striving to be the person God intended me to be. Striving to lose this padding I have wrapped around myself and step out into the world free…and hopefully not using a walker yet .

Love ya Linda! Thanks for forcing me…I mean allowing me to look at myself.