readytoemerge

Im torn. Dont know whether to be doing the Doggie paddle or just go for the old ostrich with my head in a hole. Right now the ostrich is much more appealing cause this doggie is TIRED of treading water.

I have to be truthful. Thats why I posted my picture. Thats why I put my real weight out there. Its humiliating but I need to be honest with myself. I ate too much and wrong choices over the weekend. Didnt exercise at all. Honestly too depressed. I gained 5 pounds! Oh my gosh, I said it. Not gonna delete it. Nope. Three have come back off in the last two days, probaly too much salty stuff (then sweet to balance it of course). I know what I need to do and yet I keep walking past the treadmill and opening my mouth. So what if things suck right now. Its not an excuse. Do I want to be fat and miserable? I wonder sometimes. Is it safer somehow? I know its lonely and yet I keep choosing it. Has anyone struggled with this issue? For me I cant be fat and happy. Ive tried to accept it in the past and Im just not one of those who is OK with it. So why do I choose fat and unhappy?

I guess I keep waddling along one day at a time. It is within me I know. I just need to figure out why part of me doesnt want to let go of the weight and choose to be happy.

I hope to possibly still have a tiny weight loss to start off the Christmas Challange but I needed to be real first. I feel safe to do that here. Not judged. Thanks to anyone who suffered thru reading this.

Ahhh! It was an absolutely beautiful morning here and I got to enjoy it on my terms…for a while. It takes me a while to wake up completely, the calmer and quieter the better. On weekends I like to throw on my sweats, get my large mug of hot tea and head out back to the deck. I like to sit on the steps that face out to the mountains (little ones) and enjoy the amazing view. There was a light, cool breeze at my face and the sun warming my back. When the sun is warming me like that it makes me feel like it’s a hug from God. I watched the birds go about their morning routines and listened to the songs they sang. Robins, doves, finches, barn swallows, oriels all singing and cooing. Every once in a while a frog croaking (we have a small fish pond out front). Just as peaceful and perfect as I could ask for.

Then IT showed up. I named it Satan. IT is a bumblebee, a big, fat bumblebee, the kind that normally seems to fly clumsily from flower to flower keeping to themselves. The kind you hear when they hit the side of your house. The kind that would give you a concussion if it ran into your head. This year there seems to be a much larger number of them and quite honestly they have been bullies. If you shoot them with bug spray, they take the can from you and laugh. It took all my focus off the joyful things around me in a heartbeat. Its buzzing is so loud and intimidating, it demands your attention. They fly in front of you and try to stare you down…for real.

That’s one of Satan’s biggest weapons with me… Distraction. He takes my focus off God and what I need to be doing by throwing distraction my way. Some things I can control, like not getting absorbed in the TV. Other things I can’t control, like rising gas prices, but can control how I react and how much energy I let it take from me. He is good at what he does. We don’t even see it for what it is most times. I need to work on this distraction issue.

So I guess I had my own little church in nature this morning. God spoke to me through the birds and bee. Ha ha! He is funny! And I did “get it”. God is so cool! I feel so blessed when I feel Him working in me. There is a song my kids sang in childrens choir way back called, “He’s Still Working On Me”. Part of it goes…

He’s still working on me, to make me what I ought to be.

It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and the Earth and Jupitar and Mars.

How loving and patient He must be, cause He’s still working on me..

Thank you Lord!

Ive spent much of my life living on my island of denial. I dont think I went there intentionally, just kinda washed up on shore. Its such a happy place. No worries. No cares. Only problem is your usually living there alone. Ive been accused of wanting a fairy tale. Maybe so, its hard when you grew up with all the “happily ever after” stories. Im still like that today, looking for the happy ending. My parents protected me from alot (out of love) but BOY what a rude awakening when I got my first dose of the real world. WOW! Why is it so hard to just face reality? Yeah, sometimes it sucks. And sometimes it always sucks. I just like to know there is hope that things will be well again. I need to set sail for the Ilse of  Healthy Balance. It may be a long journey but maybe Ill see some of you there.

…to haul my fat butt back and forth to the post office, bank and grocery. Occasionally to various schools to drop off children who overslept or to pick up sick children. Possibly to pull a plow for a small garden with which to feed my family when we cant afford the groceries either.

Experience/Skills: No special skills required, but must have four sturdy legs and be capable of carrying WIDE loads. Overweight signage and flags will be provided.

Rate of pay: None (sorry – times are tough)

Benefits: Your fill of luscious, tall grass (subject to change dependant on weather), two goofy dogs with whom to romp and play, a family to love you, talk & sing to you and brush you, shelter from rain, a beautiful view, and never ending chaos to amuse and entertain you.

All interested please apply within.

(POOR BABY!)

I want to say thanks so much for the prayers. I cried as I read the responses but felt  so comforted afterward.

Things still uncertain and chaotic, but a little sliver of sunshine today. We got word that two of our trucks (semi’s) are being purchased. The dealer actually agreed to buy them back and as I type this the trucks are pulling down the drive to head there. We won’t make anything on the sale but getting rid of two monthly payments @ over $2000.00/ea. is a blessing. I don’t know if it will be enough to pull us through this with ever increasing fuel.

With all that is going on, I’ve been horrible with my eating. I did get on the treadmill for 25 minutes Sunday. Im going to get on there again tonight.

Thank you all again. Hope this doesn’t seem weird but I feel like there is a loving “family” out there of people I’ve never met…Thank you! Take Care!

I know I need to be faithful. I know God loves me and is here. I want these last several years to somehow glorify God. But my grip is slipping and Im tired of one heartache after another. My husband has been in and out of the hospital since Sunday night. There are health issues, his heart and some other things I will keep personal. In October “06″ he was sent from the doctors office to the local hospital, then transferred to the “heart” hospital. He had had several small heart attacks. He recovered (obviously) but has ongoing problems. I need to ask again for prayer for him and my family. I know God can use this all for His good at some point. I just hope I can see some direction or answers soon because I am one lost Puppy. In addition, my daughter graduates in 2 weeks. Im so afraid of something horrible happening and her daddy not being there. Please pray for me for strength, guidance & peace. Please pray for me that God will help me be a good mom to my babies especially when I just want to hide under my covers and be alone. Please pray for me that He would remove this sick desire in me to eat til numbness takes over and then eat more. Please lift me up to Him for healing of my mind, spirit &  heart. Thank you so much!

What a beautiful day and yet what a rotten mood Im in. Im lonely and crushed and I can’t find any humor in my life today. I miss my husband terribly and my family all together. Im hurting and honestly angry and I just want to eat because Im PO’d and want to be comforted. Can’t believe Im writing this. Guess Im reaching out for support and prayer. My marriage while not 100% over has failed and our business is failing. We are on the edge of losing it all, marriage, business, home, cars. When you’ve given your all to something (marriage 22 years + 2 separated & business 12 years) and it crumbles out from under you…no retirement…what was it all for? I want to numb myself, can’t do it w/ alcohol, I have to be a responsible parent. So I choose food. Food has been my comfort in a lonely marriage. I want to eat so bad. I know I’d hate myself for it. I no I shouldn’t. Im so screwed up.

Wrote this a while back after going through a program called Weighdown Workshop. The program was a bible study with group support. Basically it taught eat when hungry, stop when satisfied but eat what you want. It wouldnt have worked for me without the bible study to keep my head in the right place.Some of the study related to Moses, the wandering in the desert, etc.

Can’t have this. Don’t touch that.  What we eat all turns to fat!Exercise until it hurts. Make it burn or it won’t work! 

God brought me from that bondage; far from the diet days.          The weighing and the measuring had truly made me crazed! 

When my focus is self-centered, things get way out of hand.         The paths my choices lead me on are circles in the sand. 

He has given me the freedom to make choices for myself.               Not a puppet tied to strings placed upon a dusty shelf. 

To head the right direction I must always look above.             Seeking His will - His guidance comes with love. 

The journey won’t be easy and rocky times I’ll see;  But I desire to do His will - obedient I must be. 

In a beautiful moment God gives me strength, and my heart begins to sing.

I’m rising above my sinful desires and flying on eagles wings! 

Isaiah 41:29 & 31

Debbi  3/98

Im trying, really trying to keep my chin up (its hard when you have so many-HA!). Not trying to complain BUT I feel like I’m trying to set some sick record for getting back up after being knocked down. I know there is SO much heartache around the world, especially in these times of so much devastation. I have to deal with my little piece of the world though. I keep hearing Annie singing in my head, “the sun will come out, tomorrow…”.  Somebody get me some duct tape to make her stop. We all know “tomorrow” never comes (when tomorrow comes- its today). I have to say if it weren’t for my kids Id have given up along time ago. But I do have my beautiful (sometimes rotten) kids and I have to keep fighting. My pants are dirty and my butt is bruised and sore but another day, another time to COWGIRL UP (yee haw).

Really! Ok well, mentally stalked. Ok,  maybe its me stalking the poor Hershy Bar. I cant get its little naked (unwrapped) image out of my head. I need help. Im a sick, sick girl. The level of stress Im in daily only MAGNIFIES my desire. Can you lust chocolate? Im pretty sure I may have broken some candy harrasment laws. They’ll have my mugshot hanging in all candy factories with a warning - DO NOT FEED THIS WOMAN! Oh no, I hope they wont ban me from Hershey Park. Oh the wonderful smell of Chocolate when you enter there. Maybe one little bite? How many calories in a lick? I am not right.