readytoemerge

Looks past your red, blotchy, flaking face…deep into your eyes…and tells you, you are beautiful…you are very beautiful…well, I tend to BELIEVE him! LOL! Crazy huh? Got to spend time with B Sunday night. I feel at home in his arms…safe. He told me he will take good care of my heart and right now and cant help but to believe him. He seems to choose his words…thinking about it before just blurting crap out. Snuggle time and back rubs made a nice night…not to mention his kisses…Wow!

I am still aware of my weight issues but when he touches me…I don’t care! I used to cringe when someone would…didn’t want J to feel the fat because I knew how much he didn’t like that part of me. B likes me as I am and when I bring up him liking me, big girl and all he just says-Hell ya! What a difference.

I am still full on my weight loss journey…but a lot of the stress of it is gone…the pressure is gone. Im just going to keep on the way Ive been and when I can get the exercise back in will do that as well. Cant get flushed or overheated right now. Badly need to tone up many body parts…lots of jiggle…too much jiggle.

Went to a Dermatologist yesterday…she changed up some things and Im feeling much better this morning. Ive got some acne break out on my chin from the steroid ointment she put me on for a couple days, but compared to the what I was dealing with…I will take it.

Day by day…little by little I am finding my way. Thank you for being there and being a part of my life…so grateful to have you guys…youre the bestest! So if I seem giddy…I am!

Will get the crap out of the way first. Ive shared so much with you guys and feel safe to do it here with you. So here goes.

First, I have been dealing with this horrible rash/break out crap on my face for the last several weeks. Finally went to Doc and he says its Rosacea. The treatments (pill & cream) has increased the pain…feels like severe sunburn and poison ivy combined. Looks horrible! May go to dermatologist this week. Doc says due to stress. Trying so hard to find a place of peace.

So then Thursday night I get this email from J…saying he needs to see me…tell me something in person. Laid awake most of the night running every possible scenario through my head…came down to 2 main ones. Spoke to him Friday morning on the phone…told him what I suspected and not to drag it out making me stress. He said no, it wasn’t what I thought and we planned to meet after work. Met him and he threw the exact 2 bombs at me that I suspected. He is moving…and he is getting married! The divorce hearing was just over a week ago…you Ass! And you feel compelled to tell me now??? And then tells me how he screwed us up…that last time said it was too late for us, he was ASKING if it was…that since he cant be with me, she is the next best thing…that he is lonely…and then he wants me to sit there and talk with him because he misses me! Why cant we just talk??? HA! And Im supposed to get my stress level down? As much as I know its over…has been over…it still hurts…indescribable pain…it honestly breaks me. He is gonna have the happy little family that I wanted with him and my kids…our kids. It hurts because I care…I care because I love…I love because its who I am and I cant change that. Such sadness…

So then the good stuff…The guy Ive been “seeing” (more talking than seeing due to schedules)…he was there for me again…making me smile…lifting me up. I am falling for him…ahh! Probably a crazy thing to do but I am. We shared a lot on the feelings last night…he opened up a lot…melted my heart. Wont share it all but he said when he looks in my eyes, he doesn’t see me…he doesn’t see him…he sees US. Yeah…ending the weekend from hell on a good note. Cant wait to spend time with him again…even as crappy as I feel and look I want to see him.

What does all this have to do with weight loss??? Nothing…and EVERYTHING! This is my therapy. I couldn’t write for a long time…too much pain…but I am getting there. And Im down two more pounds and hoping to hit 219 by Easter. Cant exercise at the moment because any warm up aggravates this face thing even more…avoiding the sun…heat and even the colder air we’ve had hurts.

So anyway…there it is…my guts…spilled out for all to see who care to see, lol! Maybe the gut spillage will be additional weight loss…hmmmmmm!
To those of you on FB too…thanks for the love and support. I cant openly share things there because of my kids and even my in-laws…don’t want to hurt them. Will try again this week to get more active here…I need it…and I miss you guys. Just trying still to sort out my life.

Have a great week…HUGS!!

Why cant they just size clothing at its ACTUAL sizing and leave it the heck alone??? I get so frustrated with what will fit and what wont. I have 18’s that are snug and 18’s that are too loose to wear…16’s that are tight and 16’s that I cant get over my thunder thighs! If they fit my thighs they are too big for my waist. I am constantly walking around hoisting up my britches…oh so attractive, right?
I dont need to be babied by the clothing makers who want to decieve me into believing I am a size 0…hell even a size 8! I just want the truth so I can deal with my issues and buy clothes that fit.
Rant over…out! =)

Well I did not make it to the weight I wanted for the hearing…but am down a few more. My mini goal of 219 is 4 pounds away and that will put me down 50 from my all time high of 269. So, as Ive said before…I can choose to look at it as a negative or positive…gonna choose…CHOOSE…positive!

My divorce hearing was Tuesday…the weeks leading up to it were filled with ups and downs…more crap from J…he can be such a hurtful jerk sometimes. Cried all Tuesday morning…sick that my Dad had to go be a witness and that J didnt even have to bother himself to be present. ANYWAY…its over. I will get the final papers in 30 days or less. Went for a long drive afterwards…weather was beautiful. Then that evening a guy Ive seen a couple times and done a lot of chatting, texting, talking too…met me. (Would see him a lot more but our schedules dont allow it.) We talked, laughed, hugged, held hands and yes lots of smooching. He makes my heart happy =)

I am in a much better place emotionally and think that the weight is coming off due to that more than anything. The weather has been perfect and planning to spend the day outdoors again today. Bought two cheap tennis rackets at Walmart yesterday…will see what comes of that, lol! I hate doing anything active in front of people…esp strangers…feel like they are watching in disgust at all the “flubber” in motion. Gotta work on getting past that and just do what makes me…ME ME ME happy!

Hope all is well with you guys and will do my best once again to check up on you. Again, Im on FaceBook if anyone wants to hook up there too just let me know. Have a great week! =)

Last week my Dad brought home that monster size box of donuts from church…this week…he passed them up!! YES!!! He was again offered the large box filled with 4 dozen yummy donuts of every kind and thinking about my Mom and me…declined them…SUCCESS! =)
I did eat out with my son yesterday @ Famous Daves…it was our “Linner” (lunch/dinner)…I got the lunch portion…didnt eat all the fries and only 1/2 the muffin. So feeling ok about it.
Thanks to you who commented on my blog yesterday…you spoke to my heart…thanks you so much!
Have a great day Buddies!!

Well needless to say I am happy about the results on the scale this morning…woot woot! Mid TOM and down 2 I will take. Keeping my eye on 219 my mini goal.

Thanks to all of you for the exercise tips…will be trying those out starting today. Nancy, I may only get 2 push-ups in but will build on it, lol!

So in the midst of the rough week, I got more news that stirred my anger…for me anger leads to eating to numb the anger. The news I got was that my soon to be ex does not have to interrupt his life or miss work to be at the divorce hearing. He left the marriage and after 3 years I had to initiate the divorce…I paid for the attorney…I have to deal with the paperwork and now I have to go to the hearing and take a witness to the marriage/separation (which means bringing my family into it again) & I have to take off work. Let me explain too that all our marriage, I was the one to “clean up” after him and his messes…and here it is again. I wanted him to have to stand there and face HIS choice and the result of it. It feels extremely unfair and it angered me and brought my emotions to such sadness again. I am working through it and better at the moment but WOW the resentment I feel…there are no words.

I need to find other ways to deal with these life issues so that I do not go back to eating my problems away. Honestly…with him out of my life (well as much as possible)…the emotional eating has not been at all what it was through the marriage. I never felt good enough for him…never felt like I could make him happy and I ate to numb those hurtful things.

I was listening to some older cd’s yesterday…came across Don Henley and Heart of the Matter…

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause’ life goes on
If you keep carryin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside, baby
I’ve been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
I’ve been tryin’ to get down
to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don’t love me…

I need to forgive and let go and learn how to be true to myself. Not easy but that is what Im working on…for ME!

This week has been unpleasant to say the least. As much as I try to avoid it, my ex has a way of pulling me down and under from time to time. With the divorce date a few weeks away it just seems to be increasing the level of agitation and nerves toward each other, not to mention everything else in life to be dealt with. Work has been busy…pretty much full speed from start to finish. Then little things that seem harder to deal with while carrying the weight of the other crap.

Tuesday morning I was at a stop light almost at work, radio up and singing loud…the guy behind me thumped into my bumper. It jolted my car and shook me up…looks like just some scrapes on the bumper, nothing broken. But my window seems out of whack now when you go to put it down. Again…nothing major, but damn…one more thing to deal with. And then the financial stuff…pffft!

I was debating on stepping on the scale this morning…wondering if I lost anything. Then I thought, DUH…how ridiculous! What have I done to bring about any loss this week??? I have eaten “comfort food” several times…have not exercised…and on top of it PMS’n! Why would I think that just because I WANT weight loss that its just GOING to happen? What makes me think this way??? Honestly! I make the choice…I put the food to my lips…ME! Have to pull it together…HAVE to! This weight is not going to disappear simply because I will it to. Yes, I need positive thinking but really Deb?? Come on…get real…be honest. Yes life friggin sucks…and yes it feels unfair…and yes it is not the life you ever dreamt of…and yes…you got crapped on! I can choose to wallow in the crap or rise out of it…shake it off and move to better places.

Holly…here is to making life CRAPTACULAR! It may not always look or smell pretty but damnit Im gonna make it the prettiest most positive pile of crap I can! New day…fresh start!

I have several body parts that to put it lightly, ANNOY me. Two of those are my thighs and yes…wings. I know some if not most of you know what I mean by wings…those flappy arms…ugh! I know the warmer weather is coming…I am begging the warmer weather to come…but I am also in fear of having my “right to bare arms”. I have worn some of my short sleeve tops to work or out, but am always covered by a sweater. I am so self conscious of my flappers! And the thought of shorts…pffffft! Yea…I don’t think so! Only in the privacy of my own space.
I want to change that. I know it will never be close to what I want them to look like…I accept that…I have done the damage…some that can not be undone. I just want to be able to shape them up enough that I feel I can wear a top out and be “ok” with it. I want to take my kids to the beach again this summer and wear a bathing suit. (I had the chance to take them last August for a couple days. We had a BLAST! They all love the water like me and we stayed in the water forever. But I wore shorts and a tank top over my suit. Ok the top I had too because it was way to low cut. But the shorts…I was embarrassed of my legs…thighs.)
So now the chicken part. I am chicken to wear the things I want because of my body. And I know this probably sounds weird, but I am chicken when it comes to exercise. I tend to stick to basics because I lack coordination. I am not “smart” about exercise. I really wish I could get back to Curves, but with finances and the way my time is spread its not an option at the moment.
So…what are some of the best at home exercises I can do for my wings and thighs?? I know my treadmill definitely tones up my legs but not the inner thigh so much. Have tried lunges but my knees said NO! And the wings…have to be careful with weights because of tendonitis and nerve issues in my arm and neck. Just want to give some things a try. Any suggestions?

Yesterday brought a few temptations my way. Dad brought home a huge…I mean HUGE box (like what a bakery puts a 9×13 cake in) full of donuts. The church he was a guest preacher at sent them home with him…Gee thanks! He joked that next week his topic will be on gluttony, lol! Mom & I just looked at each other like, Im dead! On top of it, he picked up fried chicken from a local place that is oh so good. Well I had a chicken breast. Peeled of the yummy fried skin…took a little nibble and set if under the chicken. Think I whispered to myself that I would be back for it. By the time I finished my chicken, the crispy skin was all soggy and gross. Woo Hoo! Sure didn’t want it then. Not perfect but hey successful to me all the same.

Then the box…that white box on the counter that kept calling my name all through the meal. The box that when you opened, your eyes grew as wide as can be and golden light radiated from it and you heard the angels singing…that box. Well, I knew me…I knew I would fantasize all day and then break and eat 3 at the end of it all. So, I chose one…not an easy task…but I made my choice. And then I ate it…as slowly as possible and reminded myself to go slowly cause this was it. And guess what? That was it. I didn’t have donuts on the brain the rest of the day. I didn’t go back for more. I wont lie…I do take note of that stupid box every time I go past it…I mean come on, they are donuts after all! But I did not go over and lift the lid again and I will not. (Praying they are all stale now anyway, lol!) So while I did not avoid them completely, I call that another success…for me anyway.

Day ended on a not great side…bummed. I try to lay it all out here but just cant with some things…just still too painful. For those of you that pray, I just ask you to please keep me in yours so that I don’t break.

Off to work in a bit. Going to be another difficult one Im guessing. I work for a auto appraisal company and with all the snow, ice and junk we have had its been chaotic to say the least. My head feels like its spinning at times, no joke. At least it makes it hard to eat =) Im still ready to rumble and make this week a good one.

Have a great day…great week buddies!!

Me…Debbi…Miss Keep It Simple…chose challenge over easy way out! And Im proud of myself for once!

My two youngest boys (13 & 15) and I went for our walk yesterday. I wasn’t sure with all the snow we’ve had if the path would be clear or not. So when we pulled in it looked fairly good and we headed off on the mile long path. Parts of it were not great but doable. And then as we got around to the backside, about halfway around, the cleared path became non existent. There was one set of footprints alongside dog prints. So I looked at the boys and asked what they wanted to do…turn around and head back on the “clear” path or give it a go. They had no opinion on it so I hesitated a minute and then shocked myself. I said…lets go for the challenge. Wait, did I just say that??? I was the only female, it had to be me, lol! Ok, lets go!

So off we went trudging up the snow covered hill in our tennis shoes and sweat shirts. At first it was ok…a lot more effort as we began, but again…doable. But the further we went, the more difficult it became. It took great effort with each step. My right foot would land on semi packed snow while my left would sink from shin to knee deep snow…step after step…one up, one down. The sun had made the top layer crusty so it began to rub my ankles each time too. The further we went the more difficult it became and the more tiring it became. I had to stop to catch my breath and was thinking…why did I choose this? But we pushed on and into knee deep with every step…the snow trying to wedge your shoes off as it sunk deeper in the snow. (My 13 y/o did lose his once, lol!) Then we came to one area that was to the top of my thighs…no joke…we just had to laugh! A little voice kept whispering…I cant do this…and I said louder…Yes, I CAN do this…just get to the end. And finally…there it was…pavement…sweet pavement…level pavement. We did it!!! My legs felt like noodles…my knees ached (still do)…but we did it! I felt great…we had sunshine…fresh air and exercise. Good for my mind, body & soul! Woot Woot!

I feel great for having done it and so happy that I chose the challenge over the easy way out. I hope this give me a boost the next time I am faced with a choice to not just go with the easy one. My legs are sore today but I feel wonderful! Wishing I had my camera with me yesterday to give you guys a laugh.

I can not move my weight tracker this week…I am @ 227 on the nose…I did lose 2/10ths I think…better than the gain I feared. Next week I will be moving that number down. My visual number in my head and everywhere I can put it (my screen saver…my phone screen…post it on my mirror…will say 219, that is my mini goal.

My dear Buddies…I am READY TO RUMBLE!!!