readytoemerge

I LOVE you guys so freaking much!!! =D

I have been a horrible buddy and I really am sorry about that. Still weeding my way through my life and just have not been able to give any more than to my kids and myself. I am slowly losing more weight but need to get the exercise in. I got a second cleaning side job that is every week…so more money to earn. There have been a couple good possible job opportunities recently…will see what happens. Oh, and Ive been a bad girl, met someone online…dont know if it will be anything more than friendship…I did meet him in person once and some definite flirting is going on and a dinner invite…Im scared so I just dont know. And Becca…I know I shouldnt meet men online but its your fault Its the site I joined a while back when you did and Im not sure if you even use it anymore…hahaha! Anyway, Im being cautious…well mostly…I just wanna have some fun…
I am leaving here shortly to do my cleaning job but will be on tonight although it may be late. I miss you guys terribly…feel not myself without chatting with you and knowing how youre doing. I am really sorry for not being supportive to you and hope youre doing really FANTASTIC! SUPER SIZED HUGS comin at ya so look out…Love you!

Couple things on my mind this morning. First, ladies…did you know that wearing sexy undergarment can make you feel better about yourself. It can change the way you carry yourself, even if you are feeling not so great about the outside. Are you a plain white bra and panty girl or do you get a little racy with animal print or sassy colors? If you’re a plain Jane, I challenge you to get a little fun with the things only you may see…do it for you! I bet it will perk you up…maybe in more ways than one I need to replace one of mine cause its poking the crap out of the side of my girls. Do you know I have never been properly sized? I may do it for this next one…swallow my pride…suck it up…most likely suck it IN and do it.

Next thing…I think I may be starting the joys of menopause. For the last couple months I have had moments of feeling flushed…starting to sweat. Even some moments (this is embarrassing) where I sweat so much down my back that it runs down and soaks through the back seat of my pants…especially if they are a light fabric. I kept thinking it was because I put back on some weight but now…I just may be going down that road to menopause…BLAH! On top of the sweats, Ive been a little on the sick side the last couple days…stuffy…headache…sore throat and coughing & I think a low fever.

Next…I will not allow myself to sink into that nasty pit…but I am fighting it at the moment. Having email discussions with J about the divorce…just starting out…it stirs that mucky crappy pit and its bubbling up…Lord it HURTS! Crying again…and pissed…and sad…and depressed…and scared. I do not want to go back down…I want a life again. Pray for me please…I need strength…I also need a job.

Alright…lastly…Mayas comment on my blog yesterday (thank you) got me thinking…”You CAN do this. Don’t just talk it — WALK IT.” I do a lot of “talking” and not enough “walking”. I think we talk the talk sometimes to try to pump ourselves up…to get ourselves mentally prepared and excited about what we are preparing to do. I also think that sometimes that talk can end up psyching ourselves out and then we do nothing…so here is to more “walking”! I did well yesterday food wise…had to struggle through a few mental moments of wanting to eat more. I am not exercising again yet…but will add it in soon…just focused on getting in some good foods (which I did…blueberries, nuts, tomato, apple, salad) and not eating more than I need…simple right?

Watched Biggest Loser last night and cried…how can you not be inspired by these people and their stories. The theme was second chances and each story was moving…some more than others…one I didn’t know how she was functioning with the grief she has gone through. BL NEVER fails to inspire me…problem is it doesn’t last….I want it to last. I have an admission I just want to lay out there. Even in the midst of the inspiration and new found motivation and lets face it, SHAME…I sit watching the show and my mind drifts to food…I want to EAT…even watching BL I want CHOW DOWN! Don’t know if its because its stirring the emotional side of things or what. I didn’t do it last night but I sure did last season…it was shameful!
I start today with a new resolve to really…no REALLY buckle down and make this work in my life. There are two songs that I heard yesterday that really stuck with me…one in particular has been with me for a month or so. For me these songs are connected to my faith and my healing but I can also apply them to this weight loss journey. Im gonna attach links and I hope you take a few minutes to listen at some point to them.

The first is called The Motions by Matthew West. I relate because I want to have my life matter…not just go through the motions. One part says…”what if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions.” I have not been giving everything in many areas of my life…What if I had? Where would I be now? What wonderful things can come from making the choice to do it now?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaHmiFaX_pk

The second is called Shackles by Mary Mary. Not only is it a GREAT song to get up and move too, but again, it makes me think about being “free” from so many things.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRayKxgePQI

I started my day off well. A bowl of oatmeal with blueberries and some walnuts…YUM! Praying I can continue through the day and push out the desire to FEED…honestly, I am struggling even now…wanting to eat more…just to eat. I want today to be my “second chance”…new day…new resolve…new life. I CAN do this…you CAN do this.

I was standing outside this morning with my son while he waited for the bus. As I was standing there I noticed a black bug on the ground…on its back. Its little legs were moving furiously…walking in air…every few seconds or so it would stretch out one of its legs to the ground to try to flip itself over. I watched for a few minutes…mentally cheering him on (even tho I really happen to dislike bugs like that, especially when they get inside). As the bus came and I started to turn to head in…I stopped and gently nudged him over to upright him. It got me thinking about me and how I feel like that bug most of the time…feverishly running but not going anywhere because Im on my back! You Buddies are that person that comes along and takes pity on this old bug and keeps flipping me back over to my feet.
Along that train of thought a saying comes to mind…one we always said in the trucking business…kind of a well wish to a driver leaving…the saying was, Keep the SHINY side UP! (Greasy side down)…meaning, be careful. But it also meant he (or she) could keep going…keep the truck moving…the truck makes money…they make money…mission accomplished. If the truck is greasy or dirty side up…no one is doing well…no one is moving…no progress is being made (and hopefully no one is terribly injured).
So my point in this is to first say THANK YOU! For up righting me and lets keep our SHINY side upright so we can move FORWARD and progress. Anyone else need a nudge?

Well, I started my starting over a little early. I called to set a hair appointment for today and what they had open was yesterday…so I went and got a brand new cut and some highlights. I LOVE IT! I have avoided short hair because “someone” didn’t like it. (He also hated red hair and guess what color hair hers is…PFFFF!)
OK…enough of that cause its now about me and what I, ME, MOI, wants. I am taking back my life…my control. So first step has been accomplished!

I also had a tiny progress with the scale…Im down from last week…239…YAY! I started making a list yesterday of things I aim to do. Basically things to get me back out there and focusing on other things. Im ESSSSCITED!! (Anyone who watches RUBY will understand my spelling of excited :P).
Here is my list so far…haven’t gotten real far yet.
• New cut/style…noticeably different and SASSY!
• Sell jewelry (to pay bills and help fund the big D…divorce, not me ;))
• Get involved with Woman’s group at church
• Get back to attending church regularly
• Take my Kiddos CAMPING!
• Find a lawyer to begin divorce process
• FIND A JOB! Im trying…
• Get off computer and more active
• Get back to some walking
• LOSE weight vs gaining it
• Be a much better BUDDY to the wonderful peeps here…you guys are amazing!

That’s it so far. (My dog Chloe is snoring…she is getting worse with that and GAS as she gets older…she is distracting my brain…short attention span).
Hope you all have an AWESOME Weekend! Will have all my kids here this afternoon/night before taking them to J’s for his bday tomorrow. Looking forward to my time with them all together.
Today is my day to start again…Just Me…relearning…rediscovering…healing…I think I am finally ready =)

Life…Boring or Crazy…Happy or Sad…Up or Down…For me, LIFE has everything to do with this weight struggle. Being an emotional eater, not to mention the fact that I just freakin love to eat, is affected by daily life. Its not an excuse but an admission…a fact I must face and deal with head on. I SOOOOO like to “avoid” problems…especially when they are painful. I don’t like conflicts…ya know…”cant we all just get along?”. I think when I cant avoid it or change it I stuff it…with food.
I know there have been people in the past…maybe even now… that were frustrated with the “personal” stuff people talk about…day to day life…our families…our pets…our life yet not specifically discussing our eating or exercise in the same way. Well for me, its intertwined and one cannot be separated from the other.

Tomorrow marks a sad day for the United States…it also has marked a sad day for me personally. I wont go far into this again but yesterday marks 3 years since J bailed on our marriage…I want to reclaim that day and start my new life…a new leaf…heck a friggin whole new tree. Im going to work on a list of things I want to begin to accomplish and ACTUALLY do them! I will still struggle but I can feel I can almost touch where Im trying to stand again…its just out of reach of my fingertips. Im going to do it…Im going to begin my life…for God…for me…for my kids…for my future. Thanks so very much for the support and the love…this place has become so much more than what I ever thought it would be. BuddySlim …ALL of you are playing a very big role in my healing. I love you and thank you more than words can express!

Ive still got a HUGE lump in my throat…still very sad…part of me just wants to sit and cry…not gonna. Im off to do my daily job searches and then will be back to read up on what Ive been missing…HUGS!

He is gone…I had to make the call yesterday to put Sydney to sleep. It was just heartbreaking to make that choice. He was very sick…not a good chance of him recovering even if we spent $1000 or more to try. I hate to put a $ figure on trying to save a pet, but as you guys know…we have little…and from that little, the IRS is taking too.
J had to work til 5:30 and the vet closed at 5…so my MIL picked up Sydney and two of my boys after school and I raced to meet them at the vet back up where I used to live. My boys were broken…it kills me. Syd was trying to lift his head when we would talk to him…he was so weak…struggling to breathe. More seizures and he vomited blood. They gave us as much time as we needed with him and we just loved him and held each other and cried. The most heartbreaking was when they started to inject the meds…my youngest and I stayed in with him and He was just absolutely in tears…sobbing…but all the sudden he just stopped for a minute…got down on his knees and put his head on Sydneys head and just told him over and over what a good boys he was…he spoke to him with the sweetest voice as Syd passed…and then broke down again. Im in tears again…Im so thankful to have been there with them…my heart aches so bad. Very thankful for my MIL who handled as much as she could…not to mention the cost. A lot of hugging and tears and we finally had to leave.
We went and grabbed a tea from Mickey D’s and went to a local park and just sat a chilled for a while. While we were sitting there a man was jogging by with a pup and the pup came charging over to us…it was so tiny and adorable…it turned out to be a miniature york/poodle mix. It kinda made it hard because it seemed a lot of folks had their pups out…or driving with them on their laps and the heads out the windows. Anyway, it was good to have the extra time with them. I am rambling…guess I needed to get it out…sorry to drop this here on you.

Sydney…our 9 y/o Lab/Rot mix is dying…not just dying but suffering seizures. Today will probably be the last…my kids are hurting greatly seeing him go through this and knowing they are about to lose him. He has been with J for quite a while now…its hard not being there to help…not being there with my kids…so hard to know what to do. Will probably end up going up there today even tho I don’t want to be near J…I want/need to be there with my kids…over the phone just doesn’t cut it. Syd made it thru that incident last year when he disappeared over night and came back greatly injured…now this. Oh I hurt for my kids and Syd…I just want them to have some happiness in their lives.

Found a poem my 12 y/o wrote…he is hurting…it broke me down yesterday…I didnt get my letter to J written…cant go there at the moment…

First though…THANK YOU! It always feels comforting to know you are not alone in your feelings and struggles…no matter how shameful they seem. Thanks so much for the love and support buddies! Each comment spoke to my heart…

Ok…this morning as I crammed yet another gross frosted strawberry poptart in, I realized something I have been stressing on for the last week…something I have been partially putting off and partially have not had the alone time to do. The book Im reading suggested writing a letter to the soon to be ex (not to be given to him but for my healing)…to get out all I need to say. I have been trying on my own to approach it for almost 3 years now and have been unable to face it. I will have that alone time tonight and I am stressing. I know I need this…but I know how upsetting it will be and I am doing all I can to smile every day…put on the happy face for those around me. Next week will be three years since J left our marriage for good (truly it was before then but officially it was Sept. 11, 2006. One day before his b-day…one month before our anniversary…and right before the birthday/holiday season that runs from Sept-Jan for us. (Do you know he had the nerve to be pissed that I didn’t “do anything” for his b-day…”for the kids sake” ??? One day after he left our marriage!!!! I was sick in bed…unable to function…unable to eat or even keep a swallow of water down. He was not the man I married…the boy I married…WHO was he??? This year is technically our 25^th wedding anniversary since we are not divorced. I want to be healed from this…its taking too long. I am hurt but ready to be done. My biggest issue now is that bimbo slut being around my kids…them seeing any affection exchanges between them, etc. Yea…Ive got a lot to get out and honestly I am tempted to give it to him. I kept a lot in in hopes of a reconciliation over the three years…now the anger has been brewing and Im ready to spew. I am afraid tho that once I let go to let it pour out, that it wont stop and I’ll end up a crazy, angry, bitter, old cat lady. Having this place to let it out is such a help…but Im still fearful…I don’t want to hate…but what Im feeling is only growing in intensity…it doesn’t feel good…maybe Im stuffing those feeling too. Don’t get me wrong…not looking for excuses for my overeating…just reason behind them. I put the food to my lips…Im a big girl…make my own decisions in what I eat…or how much. Gotta dig out those big girl panties again and step up to do what I need to do. Lord please help me…please strengthen me and direct me.